Thank you for your input. You may be right with January.
She already expressed her dislike of paying for December on the phone.
*shrug* Oh well.
@ West.
I agree and believe that about her wanting to come back.. and honestly I deserve for someone to fight for me in that way.
If she doesn't.. that's fine. Sure it hurts.. but after 13 months of this, I have gotten back my confidence. I have defined my morals and values.
Journal -
Have been GALing the Sh!t out my week. Spent alot of time focusing on strengthening the relationships with the people in my life. This includes professional and personal.
Reached out to a few professionals who I worked with alot before my huge push to become more positive. One director said that I was "glowing" and could really see change in me.. but was still hesitant about hiring me. (Our last job together was very difficult and I got very negative).
I understood. I told her that I just wanted her to find the best assistant director and if that wasn't me, that was ok. I could have justified my actions, but there aren't any really. We all have choices to make. I made the wrong ones with her film.
I won't beat myself up for it either. I'm only human and my sitch did effect my work at times. I just need to keep growing.
My w has not sent me my insurance quote for the month yet. She told me in passing that she was swamped so I'm sure that is what it is.
I've gone ahead and composed an email saying that I am ready to sign the divorce papers, however want to take care of both Chicago and LA. That once she has collected the papers to let me know and we could get together and finalize everything but our taxes.
I have not sent it Hitting "send" is not an easy button to push.
There is this voice in my head that says "Let Go, Give it over to God.. it's time".
And there is an equal voice that says "But I'm scared of what will happen".
It's hard when what I want in life does not match what is God's best for me. I realize that nothing is ever set in stone, and nothing has to be truly over for good....
.... but I fear it all the same.
I'm just constantly praying for peace to push that damn send button. That I can rest in faith that my future will truly be better..
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
