My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Thanks Kaffe!

When I hit my goal weight I went straight out and bought myself a Mitsubishi Eclipse convertible, so I honestly do feel I was having a MLC, albeit early... lol Ironically I never noticed only women drive that car until I bought one, geez!!!

I don't feel I actually grew into "myself" until my body was finally in shape for the first time in my life. I grew up as the fit kid, constantly picked on, never dated in high school or went to the prom. First girlfriend in college, my first wife was my second serious relationship and third sex partner. So basically when I got in shape, I sort of went from being the chubby laid-back, even keel guy that everybody liked, to this kind of self centered, cocky jerk. I honestly do think I was in the midst of an early MLC. I determined that marriage was not for me, especially the one that I felt I went into for the wrong reasons based on convenience, and I wanted to bounce. And I got my wish.

Now you asked what do I think about me now. I still don't think I like myself or I never would have said the things I said to my current wife. I never said anything inappropriate to my first wife. I honestly think somehow in my sick mind I may have felt justified at some level because of all of the "things" that I did and all of the weight I was carrying in the marriage, because I was supporting the three kids in every way their biological fathers were not. That's a lot to swallow you know? And then there is remorse of how I made my first wife feel. She was willing to forgive the EA and fought and fought to get me and our marriage back. I wasn't at all interested, considered it one time and went back for a week and then bolted again. I went back because aside from no physical attraction/sex life, we made a great team and could probably both retired at 45 if we would have set our minds to it. I determined it wasn't worth it. I see her out from time to time and she won't acknowledge my existence. I don't blame her and I wish her nothing but happiness. Now I know how I made her feel because I'm going through exactly the same thing from the other side. Karma by definition right?

I don't think this marriage was started "by" the MLC though. I literally was dating 10 women simultaneously at one time, bad I know. So it wasn't like I was worried being lonely. My wife truly showed me what love was, I had never a feeling like the one we had when things her right. Despite the other aspects of her life that made me think twice, I could not let her go. That is why I am here, and I get mad and think otherwise but nothing would make happier right than for her to show up at my door wanting to give me a hug. I know that's not going to happen, and I force myself to expect that it never will, but I hope that it does, at this moment anyway.

So what am I Kaffe, I am a stage 10 freaking mess man... I have been since August of last year, and I will be for the forseeable future. Wanting my wife back one minute and so ticked ready to so screw it the next minute.

Tomorrow is another day though and I thank you again for your reading and guiding questions and hope your sitch is getting better.

P.S. Does anyone have feedback on how long it generally takes to see a real reation to the LRT? I am a week in tomorrow, have only got one "business" related email from her and otherwise she appears to care less. I know I am in a marathon not a sprint, but should I think a month, three months? Thanks again and God Bless!!