Light at the end of the tunnel......

[NYCPeter]

Well it's been a busy couple of days.

I spoke to my L - and told him to respond asking for 50/50 - appropriate reduction in CS and spousal support. I'll let the L deal with the fine details.

W and I spoke to a realtor today - they are coming around to take a look at the house tomorrow to value and give comments etc.

I checked out a couple of apartments yesterday to guage the sort of property I can afford post-divorce, I kinda liked one of them (though it would be a stretch to afford it). It would be perfect 2-bedrooms, with a little playground on-site and close to a pool for the summer.

W has been very distant - it's a business transaction to her, what can she get out of this.

Girls were both busy with activities yesterday so got to hang out with a friend in a bar and watch the Giants game. D7 was being very clingy tonight - it's really going to break my heart when she finds out what's going to happen.

Peace everyone.....

[~ kd ~]

Keep yourself and your girls well through this, NYC.

It is quite possible this shaking of the foundations will create some... "interesting"... turbulence...

[workinghardguy]

it's really going to break my heart when she finds out what's going to happen.

I know things aren't good between your W and you. But from my recent experience if you can present it together it will go better. Also, we bought three books for our five year old son: It's not your fault Ko-Ko Bear, Two Houses, and My Family is Changing. The first two might be a little too simple for your d, but maybe not. They've so far been invaluable with my s. We read Ko-Ko again tonight at his request.

Also, don't be too afraid of the move part. For kids your daughter's age moving is a great adventure. As much as my SD and S are upset by this, they are still looking forward to moving, new rooms, a new neighborhood, etc...

And be ready for the oddest concerns to come at you from left field. Tonight my son interrupted Ko-Ko Bear to tell me he was scared that there would be big rats at my W's rental house. I have no idea where that came from, but I can say that I never would've guessed that question.

[NYCPeter]

KD - The way my W is acting, I doubt an earthquake will cause any turbulence. She's on a fast-track to get this done (not surprising as it's been so long since the bomb), I'm not going to put up any barriers to prevent it. Just make sure that from a legal perspective I get what I want.

WHG - Thanks for the recommendations, I think some books would be a great idea.

Forgot to mention earlier - W wasn't totally against the idea of 50/50 - just wasn't sure how it would work as she would want some weekends, I said that was fine as long as they had an equal number of overnights at my place. What I didn't mention was that I'll be applying for a reduction in CS and SS as a result.

I guess this is almost another form of DBing - acceptance and moving on - but at the same time looking out for the best interests of my girl.

[workinghardguy]

I guess this is almost another form of DBing - acceptance and moving on

I was struck last week, as I sat at an MLK Day celebration, about the similarities between DBing and the concept of non-violent protest. No matter what you shall do to me I will love you like my brother, unconditionally, and perhaps the force of the love will bring you to see the right course.

I don't think anyone would have called MLK and his brethren "doormats" for sitting while violently opposed. And certainly this is not on the same level as the oppression and violence the civil rights marchers faced. But I think the basic concepts are the same.

To that end... I don't know if "acceptance" is the right word for what we are doing. I don't accept that my W has chosen this path. I do accept she is her own actor and can choose her own path. But I know that I have the choice to stand up and still love her unconditionally. This doesn't mean pursuing her, sending her love notes, buying her thing... why? Because those are conditional. They are tit-for-tat. I will send you a love note in the hopes you send one back, and if you don't I won't send another. That's a condition.

Rather letting her live her life but not harboring anger, resentment, or hatred towards her is the unconditional part. There is no condition on not having those feelings towards her. They are my emotions and feelings to have or not have.

None of this is to say you're doing any of these things 2TP... your comment just triggered something that's been running around in my head for the past week.

[~ kd ~]

NYC, I just want to point out that, in the past 30 days, there have been at least 3 WAWs who have come to this board with a new attitude and desire to rebuild their Ms. I actually believe that all three were D.

It appears that, they all needed to D in order to feel like they were "free". And once that "freedom" felt unrestricted to them, THAT is when they began to reflect and do the internal work. And as they did that work, they realized once again, their desire to be with their partner remained. Even after the confusion and resolve they held through the demise of the M.

I accept that others feel love is a choice, and it is. But like the love of your children, there IS "real love" that IS a feeling. As WHG describes unconditional love. It is something within us, A FEELING, that we open up to, we surrender to, we accept IN OURSELVES. And with that feeling, we can SHARE THE LOVE, in loving acts and loving choices. And as the universe is want to do, it reciprocates and the love is returned, even if it is not quite as we expected.

Like the chinese bamboo and the earth quake... things are happening under foot that is imperceptible to us. Your W's resolve to move to D is as likely to be some logical decision she's made to some fantasy end result, or still based on negative perceptions. Those are the things you can accept and surrender to.

And it is possible that once the dust has settled, things are going to change in "interesting" ways.

It ain't over, yet... even if you say it is...

[NYCPeter]

It ain't over, yet... even if you say it is...

I'm not saying I don't harbour hope that it ain't over for our R - but my W's behavior and fast-track are certainly making it over for her.

Journaling...

I got home from work - MIL was here with the girls, I asked MIL where W was - gone out with some girlfriends. This is an example where she just doesn't care - she didn't inform me of her plans and left the girls in the care of my MIL until I got home. Will I say anything - no... it bothers me - but she's totally ambivelant about my feelings.


I read the girls stories and put them to bed. Then spoke to my sister and a friend in LA about plans for my trip in March. A week away is going to be good for the soul.

I know the realtor came around (they left some comps for other homes in the area) - looking at the comps, I think my W is in for a surprise for how much equity we will get out of the house.

Soccer tomorrow night and I'll be staying in the city - so won't see W until Thursday night.

Peace everyone.

[NYCPeter]

Journaling....

Came home from work early - W was in an upbeat mood and it was good to eat dinner together as a family (W and girls usually eat before I get home).

I notice a card on the sideboard - no-one's b'day? Look at the card - from W's friend, "I really admire what you are doing - I hope I have the same strength to do what you are doing one day".

Nice to see the "I hate my husband - support group is in place". This friend has grown up kids and has a husband that hasn't worked in years and makes no effort to my knowledge to support his family.

Ok - I know, ignore....

Peace everyone

[~ kd ~]

I remember about 15 years ago, there was... an "event" in my small community... I was privy to watch it happen... matter of fact... a group of women began their personal journeys, as it were, in MLC... first, one was talking about, and then leaving her H... then... another... and then another... It was bizarre...

Yup, it happens. I can honestly say that one of the people who's been a primary support for my W is a prime candidate for her own MLC and leaving her H... she'd certainly have valid reasons... in her mind...

Yes, you have to shake your head... and yes, good choice... ignore...

peace back at you...

[BklynMom]

I could totally see that happening. Your W and other WAS are not hanging out with friends that dont support them. My H is not hanging out with the guys who I know tell him he is crazy, he is hanging with the people that "understand".

Your W probably reached out to friends that "get it" vs. those that say you should work on your M