My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Thanks Hope and Barely Floating, I greatly appreciate your time in reading and providing your feedback.

Hope, I appreciate everything you said and have to say I agree with you. The BMW at Christmas wasn't so much a "gift" she is paying all the bills related the car, and slated to purchase it by March, but if worse comes to worse I will just go get the car, after 2/13 and the 50b expires of course. I have came to the realization that I may have just been played for a fool/revenge and this entire marriage was farce, and your viewpoint certainly reiterates to me that could be the case.

As far as GAL activities, honestly I am just becoming the person I was before this marriage (minus the womanizing and drinking). Playing golf and looking forward to rejoining my club this year, tennis, basketball, teaching at a local shelter, applying for the "corporate peace corps" at my job, hanging out with friends that I pretty well lost contact with after getting married just to name a few. Staying out of trouble is a little challenging for me, but GAL is not.

Barely, thanks for your feedback, I am not trying to be one sided I am definitely an open book.

I have my share as issues as well. My first marriage ended in February of 2009. I was married for 3 years, had my MLC at about 32. Used to weight near 300 pounds, on my wedding day in 11/2004 I had a near breakdown and the switch flipped. Started working out like a crazy person got down to 175 and was in the best shape of my life in the end of 2007. Marriage had went downhill and was sexless. My wife was heavy with self esteem issues and despite my best efforts was never interested in joining in getting into shape. I didn't have a lot of experience prior to this nor had women ever persued me. Upon getting into shape I was being persued quite a bit. Tried to get lucky at home one night and my wife says "if that's what you want then go find you a hot little number". That flipped the switch for me. I messed up because I actually did what she said, long story short we divorced in 2/2009. So all in all, I honestly feel I am on the receiving end of karma in my sitch, that's one of the ways that I accept where I am right now.

So in 2/2009 I am in MLC mode, basically fraternizing with any woman moderately attractive with a pulse, making up for lost time. One of this women was who ended up being my wife. We dated off and on for a bit as she had issues of her own, she would dissapear for a month here or there and pop back up. Once I finally got to her and "swept her off her feet" as you say, it was implied we said we were dating exclusively. I continued to see one woman I had been seeing prior to meeting her. I got found out, they talked to one another etc, I explained that my womanizing days were over, I wanted her and her alone, and asked her to marry me in 12/2009 with a ridiculous engagement ring.

She had been wanting plastic surgery far before she found out about my infidelity during our dating. Having 3 kids, I barely ever saw her body naked, she made mention that she was self conscious about it but I never made negative statements about her body. I knew that she suffered from self esteem issues, and lets be honest I had my own selfish reasons for her getting the plastic surgery. But my heart was in it because I wanted her to be happy and feel good about herself. Obviously I was in love and didn't think everything would go south so fast and I would get stuck with the remainder of the bill.

So the things that I said to her, in all honesty barely, I was so hammered/blacked out I don't even remember. I know I called her a bankrupt *****, fueled by my constant stress over finances because everything was on my head. As I said, my actions pulled her out of bankruptcy, as well as allowing her sister and husband to move into the house they wanted. When I found out about the EA I yelled in the driveway she was a cheater. For fear of moderation issues, I'm not sure what I can say. I'll leave it that I was a tremendous jerk I know this without a doubt, and I definitely was verbally abusive towards her. But literally this happened maybe 5 times, all black out drunk alcohol induced.

As recently as the holidays she continued to tell me I was the man of her dreams, but that "too much had went on to recover". Also saying she knows that she will never find a man to treat her like me "when things are good". The EA partner was separated and had an adopted daughter, I honestly think that is what drew her to him. Because he had the "parental qualities" that I was lacking. I only had a year and a half to learn, to me that is not fair.

The more that I reflect, and the more opinions I get, the more I am second guessing myself that maybe the marriage just altogether a mistake. In all honesty I never thought I wanted kids of my own, but I thought I could deal with three that were not. A positive of this now is that I know I want children in my life, because I did truly grow to love my stepchildren and still do, they are great kids, especially given the cards they were dealt.

So in short, I have been a class A jackhole more than once in my life, and I really probably deserve evertyhing that has happened to me (except for the 50b and jail bit that was uncalled for). I still have a lot of soul searching to do. Minus the one email exchange I've been dark for almost a week, and obviously she doesn't care. Her grip on me loosens a bit each day, and I can feel myself being happier too. The thing is I would bet money that she is going to turn a 180 before it is all said and done. At this rate she may end up being the one that is too late. I love her with all my heart but there is only so much a man can take.

Thank you guys again for your feedback, I wish the best with your respective sitchs and will review and see if I can provide any kind words or constructive feedback. :-)