I feel loved when I come to these boards... it's still crazy to me that strangers are my closet friends during this sitch!
Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this: smell his t-shirts. They bring a strange comfort.... I KNOW: I need to DETACH!!!!
{I used to sit in his closet when he was deployed and would "talk" to him, while looking at favorite shirts and memories attached to them. I fell asleep in there a few times.... I know, pathetic, huh?}
I've actually started to visualize what my house will look like without his stuff here. It's bittersweet visions. I'm working up the nerve to tell him to find another place to 'store' his stuff when I get back from FL. I don't know what to do when he deploys for a year...
On one hand: He has made it clear that he's done with the M. That he wants his own place, so that defines *this* house as *my* house... and would I let any other friend move in all their cr@p while they are deployed? Maybe a few boxes of valuable items (I've done that for friends) but not everything they own- as if I'm a free storage unit.
On the other hand, H would have to get a storage unit for an entire year. This will get VERY expensive- b/c he can't just get one of the small ones. I want to take care of our financial sitch, so I don't want to force a new bill that doesn't necessarily *have* to be there. I've thought about just asking him to move his stuff out into the garage (so at least I don't have to see it everyday) and I don't use the garage for anything.
I've got time to think about this....but it's on my mind. Ideas?
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I feel loved when I come to these boards... it's still crazy to me that strangers are my closet friends during this sitch!
Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this: smell his t-shirts. They bring a strange comfort.... I KNOW: I need to DETACH!!!!
I used to do it too. I don't anymore as the smell has worn off since he's been gone for so long
{I used to sit in his closet when he was deployed and would "talk" to him, while looking at favorite shirts and memories attached to them. I fell asleep in there a few times.... I know, pathetic, huh?}
I remember once I grabbed a jacket of is and it smelled like him. I startde to instantly bawl.. right there in the foyer of our house. I understand
I've actually started to visualize what my house will look like without his stuff here. It's bittersweet visions. I'm working up the nerve to tell him to find another place to 'store' his stuff when I get back from FL. I don't know what to do when he deploys for a year...
On one hand: He has made it clear that he's done with the M. That he wants his own place, so that defines *this* house as *my* house... and would I let any other friend move in all their cr@p while they are deployed? Maybe a few boxes of valuable items (I've done that for friends) but not everything they own- as if I'm a free storage unit.
On the other hand, H would have to get a storage unit for an entire year. This will get VERY expensive- b/c he can't just get one of the small ones. I want to take care of our financial sitch, so I don't want to force a new bill that doesn't necessarily *have* to be there. I've thought about just asking him to move his stuff out into the garage (so at least I don't have to see it everyday) and I don't use the garage for anything.
would it be easier on you to keep it for his deployment? Maybe slowely 'wean' yourself away from the stuff? Plus... wont it be hard to go wiithough? Can you afforc to replace it?
I've got time to think about this....but it's on my mind. Ideas?
And one thing I should add... the jacket that made me bawl was a US army winter jacket! P got it when he did his US Rangers course Kind of a connection to ya there
I'm with you on the love from the board. I don't know how I would survive without it.
I don't relate to the smelling her clothes, W smokes so everything smells like smoke....yuck ....next R, no cigarettes!!
As far as his stuff, IMO I would move it to the garage without him, you control it, don't let him control it. Maybe seeing his things moving out will be therapeutic for you.....and also maybe a wake-up call for H.
111- H had kinda 'moved oit'. A buddy of his offered a spare room for H to stay in until he deploys in June. BUT, all his clothes are here, he cooks his meals here and he stays here 2x a week for his nights with the kids.... So he has a 'crash pad'- but if a stranger looked at the situation- they would think he still *lives* here.
MrMr: I'm leaning towards the garage option. It prevents an extra expense (the storage unit) AND it solves the issue of me seeing his stuff in a daily basis. Normally I would pack it all up and move it out there myself, but that's the problem: it's what I *always* did- so a 180 for me, would be to start a dialogue about what to do with his stuff (this would be incredibly hard for me because I really want to control the outcome!)
_____________ But isn't that one of our goals? To recognize what/why things didn't work and resolve to find a better solution? So, I WILL be strong enough to keep my mouth shut, not control outcomes, not be critical, I will acknowledge and validate his point of view, allow him to feel comfortable to express his feelings, hopefully inspire having fun together, I will create a welcoming environment that he will want to be part of....... And, I will learn to let go of what I can't control.
Please excuse the dust as I work to create a better purg. I'm a work in progress.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg said: But isn't that one of our goals? To recognize what/why things didn't work and resolve to find a better solution? So, I WILL be strong enough to keep my mouth shut, not control outcomes, not be critical, I will acknowledge and validate his point of view, allow him to feel comfortable to express his feelings, hopefully inspire having fun together, I will create a welcoming environment that he will want to be part of....... And, I will learn to let go of what I can't control.
Very good points. Just be careful to do these things for you and not for an expected outcome from H. Also, (and I speak from experience on this one) don't allow the process to let you become a doormat for whatever H wants. You have a right to want certain things as well and it can sometimes just be a matter of how you communicate your wants/needs vs. what those wants/needs actually are.
You're learning curve seems to be going much better than mine did so take a moment to reflect and be grateful for the good things you're doing.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
H keeps asking (almost daily): "so, you're still planning on leaving?" His tone always sounds a little irritated. And then he tells me that he supports my decision.... It makes me feel guilty. I'm really trying to fight off that feeling. The first few times that he asked, I got mad because I thought he wasn't paying attention to me when I would give him my answer, now I'm starting to think he's doing it to pressure me to change my mind, and I'm starting to question my choice.
H still has his wedding ring on his keys. Why would he choose to keep a daily reminder of our M? I can't even look at mine without crying, so it's tucked far back in my jewelry box.
Last night, was H's night to be in charge of the boys. I went to the bookstore and re-read DR book. Each time I read it- I have a new filter of my personal experiences to bring to the text, and I have new revaluations each time. I went to a late movie and didn't get home until 12. [btw- I saw Joyful Noise. It's not that great of a script, but the music in it is like going to a church sermon- very uplifting!] The baby woke up screaming at 3am.... And he wasn't stopping. After 5 minutes of this, I went into the room (baby sleeps in our bedroom, so H was in there) to see what was wrong. H said: "I don't know what he wants- he won't stop crying." I asked if I could help- instead of jumping in to do it (a 180 for me)- and said, sure. H never got out of the bed, I'm not sure he woke up completely. I changed his diaper, and made him a bottle... It took 5 minutes, and he stopped crying. Problem solved. H said "thanks" and rolled over to go back to sleep. I asked if he felt like I was insulting him by coming to help- he said no.
Things I noticed: * I didn't *want* to help because it was my night off, but I couldn't sleep through his screams and I wanted to make sure the baby was taken care of.... But I'm sure he thought I was being controlling, so I probably should have just stayed in my room. * even when H and I shared our bedroom, *I* was always the one to get up and deal with the baby- he never had to figure out the 'checklist' to go through. This was a conscience decision, because H always had to get up at 5 to go to work, and i was a stay-at-home mom, i decided that he need to get more rest- so i was never bitter about dealing with nighttime issues. He used to joke that my super power was to be able to change a diaper in the dark while breast feeding (never did those 2 together) but I got his point: that I could solve the problem quickly and without turning on lights.... But now, H has got figure it out on his own. I wonder if he has had *that* realization: that I won't be there to fix things for him.
He even mentioned yesterday, that he wants to take a few weekends away before he leaves in June, some with the boys, some alone. Why the he!! Does HE need alone weekends?!?! He's not going to be with the boys for a whole year! And why does he feel the need to tell me that he 'needs weekends away', when he has every-other-weekend to do whatever he wants to! He feels like we need to be even or something- Talk about selfish!!
My trip and his realizations that *he* has to do everything- seem to be making him angry at me. I don't like that.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Ces- thanks for reminding me to do these things for myself, with no expectation of a reaction from H. Even though I tell myself that it's all for me and what makes me feel better, I'd be lying to myself if I said that there wasn't *hope* for a reaction.
I've moved into an 80/20 (myself/his reaction) state of mind, which im proud of considering that 2 months ago- it was 100% him. I'm still working towards 100% me!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
[quote=purgatory]thanks for reminding me to do these things for myself, with no expectation of a reaction from H. Even though I tell myself that it's all for me and what makes me feel better, I'd be lying to myself if I said that there wasn't *hope* for a reaction.
You're not alone! Said to you and also a reminder to myself! have a good weekend!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Kind of a connection to ya there