Forgiveness

[25yearsmlc]

or make sure you send HER copies of the good news from the school AND the bad news... Haven't done that in the past, nor has she with our daughter. I can start though.


(I'll insert "25" or post mine in bold/underline so it's semi clear)...

25: YES you can start involving her as a parent in the kids's schoolwork. Our school district lets you go online to check the homework assignments and grades your kids have. Most now do so and every teacher is available by email or phone.

You don't even have to ask your son or daughters how they're doing in school; you can verify for yourself how they are doing and what's due or coming up...


seek her input and assume the best of her motives...that would be a real 180 for you. 2thepoint gave me some good things to start with regarding seeking her input. Assuming the best of her motives...that's gonna be difficult...with good reason. I'm willing to try.


25: You say there are "good reasons for assuming the worst". Hmmm

I'm betting they are based on THE PAST and your perception of it...(leaving aside your own role in a lot of this.)

Yet you just posted about not wanting to be "punished forever for your past sins"...you claim to have changed but complain that too few believe you or are still living in the past, staying hurt...

but look at your pattern right here...doing that exact thing to your w.

You never thought to show her the information from the school? If the roles were reversed in this, how would you feel about her excluding you from relevant school information AND having custody of the child?

So I think you are applying a double standard-

you want to move forward in your life and have others let go of YOUR past...do the same for her.

Be here now, today. And go from this day forward. No matter what else she did in the past--let it go. Start fresh.

Your negative assumptions & projections of her intent do not help you. Please see this.

They hurt you, or at best just make you feel worse and IN THE PAST--when you felt bad about your life, or yourself, you took it out on them...

(this is all stuff you've said in your posts)...

Some say "hope for the best but prepare for the worst"...

well it's fine to prepare for the worst, but stop assuming it, fearing it, expecting it, and borrowing it from tomorrow.

Stop what you know is not helpful...
Our thoughts matter...and you actually CAN control THOSE.


You honestly seem to think she's solely motivated by a desire to hurt you.
I don't buy that. And It sure fuels your negative views of things and helps no one...especially you. Yes, I honestly think she's very interested and motivated by a desire to hurt me. Well, I've lived it and been on the receiving end of it for over 3 years now. I wish it weren't so.

25: I'm not claiming she isn't angry at you. She is. She thinks you are still the same morose bully you were before. She probably thinks it's unfair you have son...

and as mother I would feel terrible if one of my kids chose to live w/their father instead of me. But I don't believe her motivation is SOLELY to hurt you; that's just a bonus perhaps?

Point is, again, your attitude isn't helping you.

Yep, it causes me to have a negative view.

25: YOU CAUSE YOUR VIEWS...

Getting my ass kicked up between my ears by her doesn't help me either!

Finally, almost all of this is beyond your control. Remember to let that go. Absolutely. I'm pretty powerless over most all of this stuff. I will remember that. I'm trying to not be afraid of what she might do...to let that fear go. And I hope the thing that worries me doesn't come to pass.

Remember how you said you were letting go? Yes. I feel like I'm doing pretty darn good too, before this newest batch of crap. I'm still letting go of her and the past.

It's about my son, but she can sure cause me some problems if she tries to take him away from me. I have to be aware of that.


25: you're more than "aware" of it. You seem paralyzed by it, and you are giving up all your poweer.


And I would be hurt by it in a big way. I do not want to do battle with her anymore!

You both love the kids and want what's best for them. Stop assuming, out loud, that she does not. I base my statements on 3 years worth of previous experience. I want it to be that we both love them, and they love and need us both. And we work together to help them and put their needs first. That's what I want.

25: well maybe you cannot have that. You two can work as parents but not work together anytime soon. Your grievance lists against each other are too long to ever resolve, imo.

Even if you were put into prison cells and told to "work it out", I fear you would be there for years. Hence the request that you let it go.


That's competitive of you, not her. Or it's mutual. LET IT GO... I understand that letting go of the fear and the situation is appropriate. I may be getting worked up over nothing. I really don't mind if he spends time there.

Back off and focus on the school issues, involving her with them as well. Back off is exactly what I've done since he went over there.

Give her something to live UP TO, rather than assuming the worst of her, which just fuels more negativity on both sides.

I'd sure like to see a positive change in her in her dealings with me regarding the kids.

25: maybe you will and maybe you won't. Why is this so crucial, given that you two parent separately now? I don't see any "ideal" resolution coming from your wish list.

I can't help it Antlers, there's something about this that smacks of you being hurt and wanting to control others again...and I sense it's such a pattern and you say "b/c it's NEW crap" but it is not new. It's a repeat of other chapters from the same book.

Your son played you against each other and you both play into it. You can withdraw. If your son stays there and IF she wants more child support to cover his costs, which is the worst case scenario...

it is not fatal. You'd survive that.

Meanwhile you are making yourself miserable ahead of time....