Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[25yearsmlc]

Geez Purg,

you sure had one of those nights...sorry!!


I'm torn now. On one hand I just want to send hugs and tell you it's all going to be alright in the end. And I do believe that...OTOH there are little backslides in the way you are thinking now that do NOT help you...

Bklyn- don't worry, my L is already involved. I've discussed with her our first draft, and she pointed out some areas that need clarification- and that's what I was sharing with H. He's going to share these 'changes' with his L, and I'm sure we'll go back and forth for a little while before any signatures are done. Our separation papers are as detailed as a divorce decree (including life insurance and death benefit issues) because in our state, you HAVE to be L. separated for 1 year before filing for D, and the separation papers end up becoming the D decree.

I'm thinking you are in VA...and while most of the sep papers end up being incorporated into the final decree, it CAN be modified...so, just sayin' you are not stuck with it forever.

I'd really appreciate his willingness to stay on as L sep b/c even though the BAQ pay etc is higher w/dependents, most men are not willing to do what he is willing to do. Even when it helps THEM...(if he remarried, he'd get the same amount as he's getting while sep from you...)

Did you "applaud loudly for the 1% positives" he does? Remember Purg, for him the marriage lacked positive affirmations from you...and you need to do some 180s...

3 Main points--a) in some ways you are being protected by the papers b/c there's an enforceable agreement, as opposed to you waiting for him to write a check every month, and worrying about whether there'll be food on the table b/c he's angry at you or drunk or unemployed...

Look around this site and you will find horrible stories about that happening....big drag...worsens everything exponentially...

AND
b) the sep papers are not the gavel pounding on your married life. Not yet anyhow...

And c) he is trying to do right by you, given the givens...
Give him things to live UP TO, rather than negating the good or criticizing...that does not help you.

But my H and I have decided to not make it a D decree in a year, instead, just be L. separated forever (or until one of us wants to remarry) this is a good thing for both of us because the military doesn't recognize separation papers, and so we will continue to receive all the 'married' benefits. So since we've decided to be L. separated forever- this means that [b]when I sign those papers, it's the same same as if I was signing D papers..... that's the reality I'm struggling with.[/b]

I disagree for reasons above, but I see why you feel that way.

Also, what would you achieve by not signing them? What could you lose by not signing them? Oh --health insurance...YIKES...

But I'm not signing anything until I get back from FL.
How do I keep them from uniting against me? He's going to get his permission slip, she has her's (from her M)- so now they are both going to be free to do whatever they want.... and I am powerless to stop it!


So let go of that over which you are powerless. LET IT GO...and don't forget... in his mind he got his "permission" when he said he wanted out. In his mind, he is a long suffering victim subject to tantrums and rage from you...in his mind, he is the aggrieved party, not you.

They've been free to do whatever they wanted, for a long time. The paper may affect the d16's perception but I doubt it.

But since you have NO control over any of that, let's get back to YOU...


I really hope you're right about coming home faster after papers, but our sitch is so unusual that I don't think it will happen.


1) what's so unusual or worse in your sitch? That he already knew OW and she was your friend? So what? I get that it hurts more, but it does not make them "more likely" to work out.

If he wonders what's out there, SHE won't answer that question.

And you are vastly underestimating the complications their r will have, given that the kids will believe he left you for HER, and that she's a homewrecker.

While WE know it's not that cut and dried---they're delusional if they think NO one in either family is going to question this relationship or its' origins.

Your job in this^^^ is limited to just not fueling negative images of you with anger or jealousy...(Fake it til you make it)...


Hate to tell you this, but h's brother left his w for OW, and OW was his w's bff.

He married OW and they're still married. Thing is, there were no kids involved and I can honestly say his first marriage was mediocre at its' best. Not making excuses but I still think he married w#1 b/c it was easier than breaking up, and he's uber conflict avoidant. Never had passion in their m, ever, on either side and I often wondered if She really Loved him...Regardless-

It was still messy! When I met OW the first time, she begged me not to judge her...(gee, that's not awkward & "no, I won't leave you alone with MY h")

BIL never could "venture" out on his own to marry someone actually good for him. His 2nd w has her own issues. Is he happier with her than the first? Probably...but my point is, even w/no kids, & a truly mediocre marriage for him in the first place, --it still got messy and he DID feel very bad for hurting his first w...AND he asked to reconcile...w#1 said no, and she fled to another state and was never heard from again.

So naturally he married OW, b/c he could not be alone. OR date in the real world.

Today, IMO If he met another OW, and could survive the financial hit of another divorce, I think he'd leave his "new" wife too.

Just a guess, but I think the same of her...how lovely for them...NOT.


Here would be the ideal sitch: I come back from FL, H has a change of heart because 'I didn't realize how much you do for me and our family until you were gone', H puts things on hold, we start to talk more openly about R, and we are able to reunite before he leaves in June...... that's my fantasy.

Reality is, that ^^^^ isn't going to happen.


true^^...plus it conveniently requires nothing of you-

(well...it had to be said ) Don't take your eye off the ball.

Your consistent changes + sufficient time = him believing in the changes.


111- I'm with ya on the friends thing. I didn't realize how isolated I had become until they all went away. My other 3 close friends, are all 10 hours away in other states... so I don't even have the option of getting together with them. I'm trying to get up the nerve to branch out and go to a meetup group, without the company of someone I already know.... it's scary to be going out into the world without someone holding my hand to join me, but it needs to be done.

yes it does. My d22 is home from college for 3 months, & Her peeps are an hour+ away in the city. She goes to meet up .com right here, and takes French lessons and guitar and joined a playwriting group. She's GAL! A lot of people join those groups. For her it's mostly NOT about dating, but yes she's gone out with a few she met through it.

**that's why I really think H and exBFF are cowards- they are TOO scared to venture out into the unknown, instead, they are staying in their 'already known' little world!**


yes they are...but don't forget the downsides to their choices. Their issues will surface.



It makes me so mad that nothing changes for either of them, and yet, I am tossed out of a moving car in the middle of no where, with no one and I'm expected to go on with my life!!

Don't negatively project. A LOT will change for both of them and their r's with their kids will permanently be altered...

and as for you going on with your life, Purg--what choice do you have?

You got dealt some bad cards, so play them well.

And remember that your h felt he had a "raw deal" for a long long time...

your DB efforts have really only just started. I think at least a month for every year of the r, is what's needed to get them to believe that your changes might be real AND lasting...



Hang in there and try to avoid the thoughts of "them", altogether, let alone projecting such a disparity in their world and yours. Not all their interactions are positive and not all of your life sukks..

It only fuels the anger you feel and that's not helpful...it an issue for you to work on.

Unjust? Unfair?...heck yes...but so is Africa...

I know it sounds cliched, but when I was hospitalized while pregnant with d1...I felt really sorry for myself, and dear God I was physically miserable. I had what I thought was a respiratory infection due to a pain in my chest and some pain in my side that was weird...so I had "HEELP" syndrome with renal failure.

I was active duty and in shape, for a preggo, and suddenly I'm in renal failure?? WTF??

Anyhow, I knew I was getting better once the meds and fluids kicked in...

I saw a full moon outside my window and thought of other pregnant women seeing that same moon. My view of it enlarged enough that I realized some of those women were homeless or lacked any real shelter. It was winter in Virginia, and I was warm inside the hospital, and I could push a button for a nurse if I needed something...

Though I wasn't "healthy" then, I was in a hospital and I felt confident the baby and I would be fine and heal b/c we had good medical care right there. My h did not have to sell the home to pay for the medical care...

I had an h who was involved with the kids...I was not worried that he'd been killed by a warring faction nearby, and we'd never see him again.

Most women in the world face malnourishment for them AND their kids...high infant mortality. Terrible blood supply problems, odd cultural beliefs and AIDS is rampant in babies and women.

They struggle on a daily basis, for clean water and enough food for the child to grow normally. They lack decent BASIC health care like the vaccines your kids have had.

I realized I had food in my refrigerator at home (I had a refrigerator!)

and knew that there was enough in my pantry to feed me and mine for weeks...

No one was trying to steal my son to join their rebel army,

or raping my daughters, or telling us how to worship. OR if we could...

No one shooting at us or hacking our limbs off b/c we are in the wrong tribe this year...

No one forcing me or my d's to wear coverings over our faces or

denying us the right to work, or vote, or be able to go somewhere without a male relative...

As cliched as it seems, I came to realize that in the grand scheme of things,

I (and you) live better off in almost every way, than 95% of the women in this world...

I know you are sad...You have the "right" to feel hurt and wounded & betrayed.

I get that....(((( ))))

But you WILL survive this, and more...