I don't agree. What you are telling him, in effect, is that he's powerless...nothing he does will matter.
I don't believe that. IF I did, my marriage would have ended long ago.
And what exactly do you think you can control? Do you really think you can say if I do A then B will happen? You are powerless. You are completely powerless over other people. Control is an illusion.
I control MY emotions and my actions. I am in charge of my happiness and always was, and no one else's...that's what I believe.
In a marriage made of 2 people, if one changes, then the dynamic has to change, by definition. That's it.
I never said he was powerless. I never said what he does doesn't have an affect. Everything we do has an affect.
read your post to him again
So I addressed that part.
My REAL point was no matter what he does his wife will blame him for not caring. Do you really think she's in a position to accept even one shred of 'evidence' that would show her she's maybe making a mistake? Do you think she will accept anything that is opposite of her train of thought?
I don't think so. She's in freight train mode and anything and everything will be twisted as 'proof' she needs to leave.
consistent change + sufficient time = change they MAY believe in...that's all
But he's still in charge of HIS happiness & life...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
First-off thanks so much for all the advice. It is all useful. Secondly I must admit, before I came to this site, I had certain stigma attached to folks that"freaked" during relationship issues. Now I am here freaking and ALL of you have become a very important part of my daily routine and my life - for that I say thanks from the bottom of my little three-chambered heart (btw - i realize we have four).
Now, when I posted yesterday I meant what I said - my W said it was over and I believed her beyond any doubt or hope. Soon after Kaffe posted follwed by Crimson, etc... These posts were all contrary to what I had perceived in my present sitch. The posts are all, without exception, based on sound logic and the DB principles and all have merit. I am extremely grateful to have ya'll in my virtual life!
I honestly still feel its over. She was very steadfast yesterday. Only glimmer was: she asked why I could not have lost these 30 lbs while we were married (she said I looked great), she said I seem very happy and the fact that I have been silent for the past several weeks proves that we were indeed bad for one another. She told me about a few things her IC told her about our marriage - ie, that I was more than likely unfaithful becuase I had depression, that I would never change, and the ever popular life is too short to be with someone like your husband. Gotta love it!
Thanks again everybody.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
I'm so glad that the advice you've gotten so far has been helpful to you. It is overwhelming at times and this place can be grounding.
Your W's IC sounds awful. It is so unfortunate when they listen to someone like that, it doesn't help the M in any way. Years ago my H and I went to a MC who after 2 visits told us to divorce, there was no hope for us. It is why he doesn't believe in MC to this day. That MC has since remarried, and is a devout Christian and has a very different outlook on things. It just goes to show that they are human and can change their view just like any of us can. A degree in psychology does not mean they have all of the answers.
I honestly think this place and the DB books is the most helpful tools that I have found yet.
Around Jan-Feb/11, my W insisted she would never waste money on filing SA and I begged her to D me...
A year later...? She filed SA, there is no D in progress.
Yes, there are those WAS who will steamroll to the D. Maybe your W will be one of those. Sometimes, they NEED the D so they can feel free, before they sit down, look at the carnage, and begin to regret... and they do... even if we never see it...
So in the end, why DB is about the LBS and working on OUR issues, is because no matter what... WE are going to be much better off, regardless of whether the D happens, once we do the work and grow into much better people...
Again, your W is spewing script, and here is something really important to understand...
Under "normal" circumstances, when 10 people hear something, it is interpreted AT LEAST 10 different ways.
Your W's comments about her IC's thoughts? Your W interpreted what ever her IC said to her, in a specific way. She then expressed her thoughts on the comments to you, in a specific way. You then interpreted your W's words, in a specific way...
Your W is looking for people to support and validate her decision to leave. In many ways, it is the IC's job to support her through her choices. If her IC would have told her she is crazy to leave you, her IC is quite likely to loose a paycheck... make sense? If your W said to the IC, "I'm not sure about my decision to leave" then the IC would likely have stated something about how people CAN change... your W is directing the sessions, not the other way around...
Until your W is open to really question her decision (she hasn't even if she says she has) to leave, she will continue to let you know in no uncertain terms, that she is done and the M is over...
To be very clear... people who really are open minded CONSIDER and will state, possibilities... it doesn't mean they will change their mind... but the words of possibilities and "maybe"s CAN and DO come out of their mouths...
If your W said to the IC, "I'm not sure about my decision to leave" then the IC would likely have stated something about how people CAN change... your W is directing the sessions, not the other way around...
This does make sense. I guess I already had this idea albeit in a more abstract fashion. Thanks for the astute observation.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
NP, Mnky... by the way... I could be completely wrong and the IC could be a complete quack...
But... as we always say, we cannot mind read and we can't have an unbiased opinion of an event based on hearsay, if we weren't there ourselves... even then it wouldn't be unbiased... it would just be our own personal experience of the event...
Wow! I honestly still feel its over. She was very steadfast yesterday.
Bet she was steadfast in her convictions when she married you too.
Apparently things can change.
The question is who will be more steadfast (stronger if you will) in their convictions? Her to not be married or you to be married?
"Hey I don't want to be married anymore." "Well it was a good run, high five!"
There is a ton of work ahead of you but only if you have your head on straight and follow your goal...not hers. Yours is a long term goal, while hes is a short term one.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ya know its tricky. Some days or weeks I'm in a good place emotionally. I can accept she is gone and even go so far to reflect that the last year niether of us was happy with the M. I won't go so far to say "good ridance", that's just not the case.
When I see her however, I melt and my defenses and ressolve nearly crumbles. Like yesterday.I feel utterly helpless and resigned to my fate. I do not know how long I will keep trying.
I'm still very much in love with the girl I married. I do not, however, want anything to do with the one that said the hurtful things yesterday. I pray and hope I can "meet" the first one again if that makes sense?
At the same time I know we have both changed over the past 12 years. Both good and not so good.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Texted W a simple "night" before bed tonight (becuase she said I don't care the other day I offered a simple form of reassurance). She immediatley texted back for me to stop. She continued with some very hurtful words in text. I then called her so she understood what I was saying. She got worse. She says ten years of "hell" precludes us ever getting back together - "Just sign the papers and get this over with". "I don't buy it" she says. "I do not nor will I ever trust you". "I left a year ago and I should have never married you". "Ten years of my life wasted on you and your depression, etc.." "I am very happy without you in my life".
No more hope. It is postively too late. I feel like a total sh!t - I caused this. I HAVE lost the love of my life. All of you have been great - pragmatic, honest, etc... That put me in a good place the last couple of days. Talking to her minutes ago erases all of that. I think DB does work for some folks - just not in my sitch. With great and profound regret I have to accept this turd sandwich for what it is and move on. I will always have a place in my heart for the memory of my wife, but she is gone now and nothing is going to change that. Wish I could temporarily die if that makes sense? Just sooo tired and exhausted after hoping and caring - all for not.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
