Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[BFloat]

(((((purg)))))

I don't have too many close friends but for the handful I have, I am fiercely loyal and pretty awesome in general! And I have added you to my circle even though we've never met!! I think you're pretty terrific.. And much stronger than you realize. I think friendship shouldnt always be defined by people you only know in person!

Nhmom suggested a meetup group - In my area, there is a Meetup women's group that get together to do things like try new restaurants, go for hikes, movies.. My gf runs it and she says it's a lot of fun. Just women looking to make new friends and have some good conversation.

Thinking of you

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Purg!

Sorry it hit you so hard. I can't imagine. I have a hard time even thinking about the actual paperwork.

I was also a military brat. I was lucky my sister was 22 months younger than me. So my best friend always moved with me. This move to Hawaii was my 31st lifetime move.

I actually think my biggest fear of the big D is having to move again....

Hang in there.

[purgatory]

Even though it was H's night to be in charge of the boys, I ended up having to help.... The baby ended up having to go to the ER last night b/c of a sudden, rampant spreading rash. We got home around midnight with a diagnosis of roseola (but they took a culture for Scarlett fever and results won't be in for 24 hours.)
Does this count as sleep??
12:45: baby finally falls asleep
1:37: baby crying
2:15: baby crying
3:23: baby crying/vomit clean-up
4:26: baby crying
5:47: baby hungry/crying.....he decides to wake up for the day!

H and I took turns calming him down, but we both still woke up when he would start crying. I'm really glad H was here last night to help. I can only hope that he had a passing thought like: "gee, I'm glad [purg] is here to help tonight, this would be too hard to do alone.... This must be what's it like for her when I'm gone."
IF he had any thought like that, I will never hear of it.

In my 'zombie' state of mind this morning, I'm still reeling from the emotional bullet from last night: that my separation papers are going to represent the end of my marriage. I'm not sure how to deal with this fast approaching hurdle- I'm still stuck on the last hurdle: he's ready to start dating and oh-by-the-way it's my BF!

After I put S6 on the bus, I hope to get a nap!

[BklynMom]

Your H is a real ____!!!

I know you agree to everything your H has written in these separation papers but you really should have someone with experience look at this before you agree

You should say I can not sign anything until I get back from Florida and review with my family

Signing these papers will make he come home faster. I really believe that. For some reason the WAS needs to feel you fully release them. My understanding is separation papers mean very little legally which is why they can be processed so fast. It is basically his permission slip. Give him permission to date your BF. Its not going to be easy dont let them unite against you.

This is the hardest thing in the world. Crying is okay.

We love you.

[Oneeleven]

Pur (((( PUR)))))

RE: friends, it never rains - it pours eh? (a little Canadian adjective for you there! :))

Before meeting P I was a bit of a socialite. I didn't have a kazillion friends but I had three close ones that were all a decade younger than I. I lived in a fancy downtown condo and we were blocks apart.

But our friendships were really 'party based' Around 39 I started wanted to (finally) grow up. I was ready to 'settle down' So when P and I got together, and I moved to his house in the suburbs (in Quebec,... a different province no less!) My ties with those friends were pretty severed. I've since tried hanging out with them and it's hard. I just don't have 'it' in me anymore to drink and stay up till the wee hours. We just dont' have much in common anymore. (My idea of a fun Sat night is fondue, red wine and a movie.. ya know! lol)

So now that this has all hit with P, I feel SO isolated. It's my own fault. But it's also just bad timing. I was ready to leave those friends behind, but now that my life with P is over, I am in a house, in the middle of no where, in a different province (only an hour) away from friends and family.

Like you, because we are in the sitches we are, the lonliness, rejected feelings are magnified.

A new page *WILL* start for you. I, we, no one, can tell you what will be on that page, but it will be something.

I am so sorry you went through that double whammy of crapola last night, triple including your poor bébé!!

Stay strong. Stay the wonderful woman you are. I know it's so easy for me to spout that off over the internet, but I wanted to send you some encouragement!

111

[purgatory]

Bklyn- don't worry, my L is already involved. I've discussed with her our first draft, and she pointed out some areas that need clarification- and that's what I was sharing with H. He's going to share these 'changes' with his L, and I'm sure we'll go back and forth for a little while before any signatures are done. Our separation papers are as detailed as a divorce decree (including life insurance and death benefit issues) because in our state, you HAVE to be L. separated for 1 year before filing for D, and the separation papers end up becoming the D decree. But my H and I have decided to not make it a D decree in a year, instead, just be L. separated forever (or until one of us wants to remarry) this is a good thing for both of us because the military doesn't recognize separation papers, and so we will continue to receive all the 'married' benefits. So since we've decided to be L. separated forever- this means that when I sign those papers, it's the same same as if I was signing D papers..... that's the reality I'm struggling with. But I'm not signing anything until I get back from FL.
How do I keep them from uniting against me? He's going to get his permission slip, she has her's (from her M)- so now they are both going to be free to do whatever they want.... and I am powerless to stop it! I really hope you're right about coming home faster after papers, but our sitch is so unusual that I don't think it will happen. Here would be the ideal sitch: I come back from FL, H has a change of heart because 'I didn't realize how much you do for me and our family until you were gone', H puts things on hold, we start to talk more openly about R, and we are able to reunite before he leaves in June...... that's my fantasy.

Reality is, that ^^^^ isn't going to happen.

111- I'm with ya on the friends thing. I didn't realize how isolated I had become until they all went away. My other 3 close friends, are all 10 hours away in other states... so I don't even have the option of getting together with them. I'm trying to get up the nerve to branch out and go to a meetup group, without the company of someone I already know.... it's scary to be going out into the world without someone holding my hand to join me, but it needs to be done.


**that's why I really think H and exBFF are cowards- they are TOO scared to venture out into the unknown, instead, they are staying in their 'already known' little world!** It makes me so mad that nothing changes for either of them, and yet, I am tossed out of a moving car in the middle of no where, with no one and I'm expected to go on with my life!!

[Jenna333]

Wow, you have so much support on here!

You said this:

"Only 2 months ago, he was ML to me and telling me that he loved me, he was telling me that even though things were rough- he was happy to see how hard I was trying, and proud of the changes I *had* made.... how does THAT go to: I love you, but not in love?!?!"

I can so relate 1 week before J left me he said he wasn't going to leave! It's hard to face that they were feeling this way long before they made us aware of it. I was in denial of that for a while. Then I reflected and now I can see the signs that were there.

You ARE powerless to stop your H and ex-BFF from seeing each other, legal separation or not. You're powerless from stopping anyone from doing anything--except yourself. I am a person that has tried to control everyone around me (not out of malice) my entire life. I've learned that you can't control anyone but yourself. I tried controlling J for so long. It breeds resentment Anyway, just rambling, sorry! I don't know if you have control issues or not. I guess I just wanted to tell you to please not look at the separation papers as a permission slip, even if that's how your H sees them. It sounds like they've been emotionally involved for a while now already. There's nothing you could have done/can do about it. I don't know about you, but I've ironically come to view that I can't control anyone as very freeing. A lot of it has to do with detaching. I don't obsess about what J is up to as much anymore. It's not my concern. Not seeing him as much has helped.

Sorry if most of that doesn't apply to you. This is a time when a verbal conversation would make more sense!

[25yearsmlc]

Geez Purg,

you sure had one of those nights...sorry!!


I'm torn now. On one hand I just want to send hugs and tell you it's all going to be alright in the end. And I do believe that...OTOH there are little backslides in the way you are thinking now that do NOT help you...

Bklyn- don't worry, my L is already involved. I've discussed with her our first draft, and she pointed out some areas that need clarification- and that's what I was sharing with H. He's going to share these 'changes' with his L, and I'm sure we'll go back and forth for a little while before any signatures are done. Our separation papers are as detailed as a divorce decree (including life insurance and death benefit issues) because in our state, you HAVE to be L. separated for 1 year before filing for D, and the separation papers end up becoming the D decree.

I'm thinking you are in VA...and while most of the sep papers end up being incorporated into the final decree, it CAN be modified...so, just sayin' you are not stuck with it forever.

I'd really appreciate his willingness to stay on as L sep b/c even though the BAQ pay etc is higher w/dependents, most men are not willing to do what he is willing to do. Even when it helps THEM...(if he remarried, he'd get the same amount as he's getting while sep from you...)

Did you "applaud loudly for the 1% positives" he does? Remember Purg, for him the marriage lacked positive affirmations from you...and you need to do some 180s...

3 Main points--a) in some ways you are being protected by the papers b/c there's an enforceable agreement, as opposed to you waiting for him to write a check every month, and worrying about whether there'll be food on the table b/c he's angry at you or drunk or unemployed...

Look around this site and you will find horrible stories about that happening....big drag...worsens everything exponentially...

AND
b) the sep papers are not the gavel pounding on your married life. Not yet anyhow...

And c) he is trying to do right by you, given the givens...
Give him things to live UP TO, rather than negating the good or criticizing...that does not help you.

But my H and I have decided to not make it a D decree in a year, instead, just be L. separated forever (or until one of us wants to remarry) this is a good thing for both of us because the military doesn't recognize separation papers, and so we will continue to receive all the 'married' benefits. So since we've decided to be L. separated forever- this means that [b]when I sign those papers, it's the same same as if I was signing D papers..... that's the reality I'm struggling with.[/b]

I disagree for reasons above, but I see why you feel that way.

Also, what would you achieve by not signing them? What could you lose by not signing them? Oh --health insurance...YIKES...

But I'm not signing anything until I get back from FL.
How do I keep them from uniting against me? He's going to get his permission slip, she has her's (from her M)- so now they are both going to be free to do whatever they want.... and I am powerless to stop it!


So let go of that over which you are powerless. LET IT GO...and don't forget... in his mind he got his "permission" when he said he wanted out. In his mind, he is a long suffering victim subject to tantrums and rage from you...in his mind, he is the aggrieved party, not you.

They've been free to do whatever they wanted, for a long time. The paper may affect the d16's perception but I doubt it.

But since you have NO control over any of that, let's get back to YOU...


I really hope you're right about coming home faster after papers, but our sitch is so unusual that I don't think it will happen.


1) what's so unusual or worse in your sitch? That he already knew OW and she was your friend? So what? I get that it hurts more, but it does not make them "more likely" to work out.

If he wonders what's out there, SHE won't answer that question.

And you are vastly underestimating the complications their r will have, given that the kids will believe he left you for HER, and that she's a homewrecker.

While WE know it's not that cut and dried---they're delusional if they think NO one in either family is going to question this relationship or its' origins.

Your job in this^^^ is limited to just not fueling negative images of you with anger or jealousy...(Fake it til you make it)...


Hate to tell you this, but h's brother left his w for OW, and OW was his w's bff.

He married OW and they're still married. Thing is, there were no kids involved and I can honestly say his first marriage was mediocre at its' best. Not making excuses but I still think he married w#1 b/c it was easier than breaking up, and he's uber conflict avoidant. Never had passion in their m, ever, on either side and I often wondered if She really Loved him...Regardless-

It was still messy! When I met OW the first time, she begged me not to judge her...(gee, that's not awkward & "no, I won't leave you alone with MY h")

BIL never could "venture" out on his own to marry someone actually good for him. His 2nd w has her own issues. Is he happier with her than the first? Probably...but my point is, even w/no kids, & a truly mediocre marriage for him in the first place, --it still got messy and he DID feel very bad for hurting his first w...AND he asked to reconcile...w#1 said no, and she fled to another state and was never heard from again.

So naturally he married OW, b/c he could not be alone. OR date in the real world.

Today, IMO If he met another OW, and could survive the financial hit of another divorce, I think he'd leave his "new" wife too.

Just a guess, but I think the same of her...how lovely for them...NOT.


Here would be the ideal sitch: I come back from FL, H has a change of heart because 'I didn't realize how much you do for me and our family until you were gone', H puts things on hold, we start to talk more openly about R, and we are able to reunite before he leaves in June...... that's my fantasy.

Reality is, that ^^^^ isn't going to happen.


true^^...plus it conveniently requires nothing of you-

(well...it had to be said ) Don't take your eye off the ball.

Your consistent changes + sufficient time = him believing in the changes.


111- I'm with ya on the friends thing. I didn't realize how isolated I had become until they all went away. My other 3 close friends, are all 10 hours away in other states... so I don't even have the option of getting together with them. I'm trying to get up the nerve to branch out and go to a meetup group, without the company of someone I already know.... it's scary to be going out into the world without someone holding my hand to join me, but it needs to be done.

yes it does. My d22 is home from college for 3 months, & Her peeps are an hour+ away in the city. She goes to meet up .com right here, and takes French lessons and guitar and joined a playwriting group. She's GAL! A lot of people join those groups. For her it's mostly NOT about dating, but yes she's gone out with a few she met through it.

**that's why I really think H and exBFF are cowards- they are TOO scared to venture out into the unknown, instead, they are staying in their 'already known' little world!**


yes they are...but don't forget the downsides to their choices. Their issues will surface.



It makes me so mad that nothing changes for either of them, and yet, I am tossed out of a moving car in the middle of no where, with no one and I'm expected to go on with my life!!

Don't negatively project. A LOT will change for both of them and their r's with their kids will permanently be altered...

and as for you going on with your life, Purg--what choice do you have?

You got dealt some bad cards, so play them well.

And remember that your h felt he had a "raw deal" for a long long time...

your DB efforts have really only just started. I think at least a month for every year of the r, is what's needed to get them to believe that your changes might be real AND lasting...



Hang in there and try to avoid the thoughts of "them", altogether, let alone projecting such a disparity in their world and yours. Not all their interactions are positive and not all of your life sukks..

It only fuels the anger you feel and that's not helpful...it an issue for you to work on.

Unjust? Unfair?...heck yes...but so is Africa...

I know it sounds cliched, but when I was hospitalized while pregnant with d1...I felt really sorry for myself, and dear God I was physically miserable. I had what I thought was a respiratory infection due to a pain in my chest and some pain in my side that was weird...so I had "HEELP" syndrome with renal failure.

I was active duty and in shape, for a preggo, and suddenly I'm in renal failure?? WTF??

Anyhow, I knew I was getting better once the meds and fluids kicked in...

I saw a full moon outside my window and thought of other pregnant women seeing that same moon. My view of it enlarged enough that I realized some of those women were homeless or lacked any real shelter. It was winter in Virginia, and I was warm inside the hospital, and I could push a button for a nurse if I needed something...

Though I wasn't "healthy" then, I was in a hospital and I felt confident the baby and I would be fine and heal b/c we had good medical care right there. My h did not have to sell the home to pay for the medical care...

I had an h who was involved with the kids...I was not worried that he'd been killed by a warring faction nearby, and we'd never see him again.

Most women in the world face malnourishment for them AND their kids...high infant mortality. Terrible blood supply problems, odd cultural beliefs and AIDS is rampant in babies and women.

They struggle on a daily basis, for clean water and enough food for the child to grow normally. They lack decent BASIC health care like the vaccines your kids have had.

I realized I had food in my refrigerator at home (I had a refrigerator!)

and knew that there was enough in my pantry to feed me and mine for weeks...

No one was trying to steal my son to join their rebel army,

or raping my daughters, or telling us how to worship. OR if we could...

No one shooting at us or hacking our limbs off b/c we are in the wrong tribe this year...

No one forcing me or my d's to wear coverings over our faces or

denying us the right to work, or vote, or be able to go somewhere without a male relative...

As cliched as it seems, I came to realize that in the grand scheme of things,

I (and you) live better off in almost every way, than 95% of the women in this world...

I know you are sad...You have the "right" to feel hurt and wounded & betrayed.

I get that....(((( ))))

But you WILL survive this, and more...

[purgatory]

25- thank you for keeping me focused. Some of the things you said aren't easy to read, but I understand them and I *know* that I needed to read them. I am very greatful that H agreed to staying separated 'forever', and I shared my appreciation with him- but while reading your comments, I realized I probably didn't 'applaud' loud enough (something that has always been a problem for me), so now that the moment has passed- how do I applaud again? The fact that he is 'doing right by me' reminds me that *my* H is still inside this alien in front of me. He has always been a great guy and putting others ahead of him.... That's probably why he feels entitled to be 'selfish' now and 'find his happiness'.

It's so strange to catch myself being negative and actually say: "this isn't helping anything, shut up and go on with life!".... Even though I keep doing it. All the advice and support I've received on this board- is my Jimminey Cricket. I hear all the positive thoughts and motivation all the time..... Even if it appears that I don't because of my posts. I am not proud of myself when I backslide, I don't like all the negative projections.... I am really focusing on this.

I really to treasure and take to heart what everyone has said to me. I really value the opinions of all of you who have been doing this a lot longer than I have....
Maybe one day *i* can be the wise voice of reason! Well, one day waaaayyyyy in the future.

[25yearsmlc]

Purg


I give a lot of advice I need to take more. I also remind myself to practice what I preach more.

Yes I'm a better wife and mom than before. But I have a long ways to go. Reading your sitch helps me in some ways...and makes me grateful in others (sorry)

but mostly it reminds me of how much pain a lot of people are in.

I wondered when things were really heating up for us and I was freaking, just how everyone else was still functioning!

It hit me that there are SO MANY WALKING WOUNDED out there...there must be, b/c divorce happens a lot...

When it hit me that I was not alone, aside from my "misery loves company" -"joy"

I found myself very moved with compassion for a lot of perfect strangers. I met a man at a professional meeting one night in the peak crazy time for me--

and he mentioned his "ex wife or soon to be"...and I probed and he told me his story and it was SO SAD -

a 6 year nightmare about to finally end, and he was still shell shocked--

I literally could not believe he could go to work and operate on people, or attend the meeting (I barely could)...lucky for him I think his work helped.

My point is we all backslide....we all fall short.

But if you have some trusted peeps to keep you in line,

you get back up again and dust yourself off...and you move forward again.