Thanks Snodderly. There's this gap between what I know in my head and what I actually feel. Can't seem to get balanced. I will take your advice and try to slow down for awhile.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I am less and less sure about these 'stages'. I think they represent, for some MLcers, a kind of possible progression. Certainly can't fit my xh into this at all. He appears to be back at the beginning - in replay and anger?? Has certainly been very very depressed and withdrawn at times. I would say he has achieved some sort of personal accommodation which enables him to function in some way, without being actually alive. I can't put it more clearly than that. But it is a fairly fragile equilibrium which quickly tips into anger, and replay-type behaviours.
Nowhere near ready to face anything, including the damage he has done. Although there is a vague awareness at times that all is not well. But mainly other people's fault. A lot of blame
Seems to want more contact with his children at times, but is equally 'happy' to go several months without any contact. It is a bit like living on the edge of a volcano, largely smouldering, but you never know when it is going to erupt again.
I know I am very tired with dealing with any remaining fall out, which you get at times when there are children, even adult ones.
As for acceptance . . . . wouldn't know what that looked like if it bit me . . .
1. Got an email from X. We have very little interaction. Lots of information regarding finances - even an admission that divorce has taken its toll on finances. The last paragraph surprised the crap out of me...
I understand why but I hate that our relationship is like this. I still do hope that along the way we can somehow come to an agreement to at least be able to speak to each other amicably in public and have decent conversations, if not for ourselves but for our kids, friends and other relatives, so that they may become more comfortable in the presence of both of us. Thanks you for sharing with me the things you knew when I was calling about son. I do appreciate all the things you have done for me and the kids over the years. I am sorry that I have blamed you for so many things in the past when I now realize that it was my own fault that I was not happy and experiencing the problems that I did…
Hmmmmm....
2. My son gets a 17 page letter from XH's brother. Concerned about son's "soul". Basically spent part of the letter explaining why Catholicism is evil. Then stated that "I know the divorce is hard. I have told your Dad that he is a sinner and that his girlfriend is a sinner. Have tried to get him to read the bible and repent. But he won't do it." Then talks to him about how son has to turn his life around before its too late.
My son sees his uncle once every 2 years. I try very hard to not be judgmental. And I always question myself or second guess myself - "am I the crazy one? is there something wrong with me?" But I feel like my former BIL crossed a boundary.
Anyway - just a very strange day.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I am sorry that I have blamed you for so many things in the past when I now realize that it was my own fault that I was not happy and experiencing the problems that I did
Well - it's nice to get that kind of admission from your ex, isn't it?
XH's brother sounds like a nutjob and your son should just throw the letter in the trash and stay as far as possible away from him.
IB, I'm going to offer my take on what your xh wrote to you. He had a moment of clarity and by sending this to you, it made him feel better. He wants to smooth things over w/you so that when you both are in public, everyone will think that you are okay w/what he's done and continues to do. My xh wrote similar bs after my bil passed away. It's all about them being seen as the "good guy". They hate it when we are annoyed and angry w/their behavior.
As for your bil, he should be preaching to his brother, not your son. He has no business sending such trash to your son. You don't know what your xh has told him and I would simply ignore your bil's bs unless it gets worse. Yes, your bil crossed the line on this...he is not your son's parent.
You are not crazy...your xh is and he's feeding a line of bs to anyone that will hear him. Stay the course and do what is best for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OK - will try this again:/ - here is X's email from today:
...feel completely terrible for the pain and heartache I have caused everyone. I have still not found the peace and happiness for which I strive but continue to try to figure that out and attempt to make gains in that direction every day. Two steps forward and one step back is huge progress…Thank you again for all of this and trying to make everything work to the best of your ability. I know that if I had it to do over or by myself that the end results may not have turned out any differently, one way or the other. I’m sure I will see you at the game tonight and will share in your pride of our awesome son and wonderful daughters.
So I get this message earlier in the day. He shows up at son's game with OW (she hasn't been to the last couple of games). She has the lowest cut shirt on I've ever seen. Ugh!
Anyway - and I know I should not care - but how do I interpret the comment: "if I had to do over or by myself that the end results may not have turned out any differently, one way or the other. "
I don't understand it and maybe I shouldn't even try to make sense of crazy!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
