Help Me Please

[25yearsmlc]

Molly

please tell me that you read my last post to you....it was time consuming to write and I want to know that you are "hearing" our words...

Not "losing your concentration" so much that we are unable to help you b/c you are racing around too much in your head...

Take a breath. Read the posts that help you, and think them through. Understand how they apply to YOU, and remember them...

The whole list of GALs and turning it over to God exercises--you glossed over them. Don't.
It's crucial you process them b/c they are all about "how to" get through this explosive yet delicate time.

It's specifically for those panic modes. I don't know if you are a believer in God or a higher power or a loving force in the universe, but I sure am.

And my faith and the strength it gave me, increased greatly in that time. I thank God (literally) for my faith.


Rely on and explore your faith more. It's a permanent gift you give yourself, and others in your life

Lean into the arms of a loving God, know you CAN turn your pain and anger over to HIM...he'll carry it for you, b/c it's too heavy for you just now...

and let HIM give you the strength to

1) make changes in yourself that YOU want to make, no matter what --b/c YOU said as much here...

and

2) face whatever comes w/dignity and grace. You will make it to the other shore...HE's there for you, as we are, and all your friends and family who love you.

btw-When family and friends asked me in 2006, what the chances of my marriage working out were, I told people it was "maybe 10%"...but here I am.

I'm better than okay.

But if my h died and I were done grieving, I know I'd be happy again.
If h left me and stayed gone, I know I'd eventually be happy again.

Before the marital crisis, I did NOT know this^^^ about myself. Now I do.

This was a gift in disguise...
I am more loving and more lovable and more capable of receiving love as it is given, whether it's my love language or not.

These are changes we can all make.

I'm permanently stronger. I have some days I backslide for sure...but on the whole, I'm a better wife and mother than before.

Stop the panic attack stuff. Get a grip.

If your children were endangered, would you shrivel up in fear, "drowning", OR would you look around for tools and weapons to help them?

Don't gloss over posts b/c you think they lack the secret answer or "THE ONE SENTENCE THAT CHANGES IT ALL..."--- that does not exist.

As a L, believe me, I marshalled all the arguments in the world for h to stay. If I were in court, I think I'd have won big. So what??

It did NOT matter to him.

he convinced himself of many things that were unlikely or absolutely not true.

He wanted to go. It was not rational. He seemed obsessed by it. He seemed to "need" to go.

I had to play the cards I was dealt and focus on ME and MY life and MY Kids' lives and do what was best for us/them, with the assumption h would not be here.
Your arguments do NOT matter to your h. HE has already thought this out. All you can do is keep the changes in you going. For emphasis, I'm repeating that sentence.

All you can do, is keep the changes in YOU going. That is your task...

In TIME, if he really believes the changes are genuine and real

AND would last, [i]even if he came back-

it's hard to believe a man would not reconsider staying married to the mother of his children.

Some do, some don't.

Your changes sound needed BUT they also sound passive to me.

The 180s are all about what you will NOT do...but what changes are you making that require you DOING something new or different? Focus on those...they count a lot. They are more noticeable.

Please don't expect to notice any changes or doubts in him. IF he allows himself to feel them, he won't tell you. He may have felt confused by ML the other night, (it felt good to be close to you) but that may have scared him b/c he feels he's on a mission now, and doesn't want to be stalled or derailed with second thoughts or self doubt. Men don't like that.

What can you DO about that?NOTHING so... Back to you, your work in your sandbox...

you have to do the "math"--first, which means

Your consistent changes + sufficient time passing = changes HE can believe in.


and do NOT check for, expect or even hope for a change in HIM-for a long time. Let alone a change he'll share with you or show you...he'll repress it for a long time. Until he has enough space and time to allow the good memories to resurface and to believe in the changes he sees...

You have been given a gift. The gift of TIME under the same roof. Yes it's hard in many ways--tension or stressful...

but it's the 4-5 months you have, to change your ways consistently.

and NOT point them out or highlight them...just make the changes and let them radiate. Believe in the new you and it will show.

You may have to ACT like an Academy Award winner, but you can do it.
Fake it til you make it.

NO pursuing/No guilting/No arguments FOR the marriage...


read those 37 rules Sandi & others assembled. Read them over and over, each day...perhaps hourly.

You can go 7 days without freaking-yes you can. Start with a day at a time, and go from there to a week.

In those days, GAL and do 180s and DETACH...count each day of "no panic/obsessing" as a small victory and build on them. At some point you'll have to extend it to 30 day increments...and if he leaves, that's still not over.


Please tell the EAP counselor you are having trouble sleeping, concentrating and are not eating right..ask for a referral. I'd be shocked if you didn't get one.

Some states allow physician "extenders" to prescribe, so you can ask.

At least DISCUSS getting on some meds b/c you're saying dramatic things and I don't know how to gauge those comments.

But what I'm getting from you, no offense, is near hysteria.

That does NOT help you. That does NOT help your daughters.

That does NOT HELP YOUR MARRIAGE, and your h finds it unappealing.

As the DB moderator said, "Stop doing what you know does not work."

as for meds... I found that I handled some crucial moments a lot better when I felt calm and not out of control. For SURE I benefitted at night by sleeping better.

And if you get a referral ASAP, you may find as I did, that just Knowing
you have something safe and prescribed IF you need it, is itself soothing. That helps reduce the feelings of panic.

Sorry if I sound like I'm pushing this too much--you may be the type who finds Valerian tea or Kava and a hot bath, soothing enough. (Or benadryl).

A friend once told me "never underestimate the healing power of warm water" and she was right. I soaked in a hot tub at a friend's house. Had a glass of wine...And it really helped me...it really did. If there's one at a gym, use that. Otherwise - light some candles at home, have that glass and soak once the kids are in bed. In the bath, Do your mantras (say the little pep talks that soothe you, or pray. It helps)...

in the day when I could, I went on LONG jogs/walks. I called them "Fury marches". I used my Ipod with various playlists on it..."The Optimistic Playlist" that helped me envision it all working out w/h...
that got too painful though, as I feared the loss too much. So i had another optimistic playlist of songs for me with a new man...or with no man

but with me& the kids happy...

I'd listen to some self help books by Marianne WIlliamson (too new agey for some, but her forgiveness work is excellent)

or audio books by Wayne Dyer or Carolyn Myss...and they guided me with my pep talks too.

Exercise as much as you can. You will LOOK better and feel better and that means you are more attractive...which feels better, etc...nice cycle there.

You must not keep panicking...you must NOT argue with his choices b/c you only force him to defend them- and say them and cement them more in his mind...what you resist, persists...

It's not easy, but it's also NOT complicated. Be disciplined. If this is as important to you as you say, and I believe it is,

then you MUST GET A GRIP

and if that means seeing a professional and getting some anti-depressants and or anti-anxiety meds, so be it.

Take care of yourself so you can make the best choices possible. Be optimistic about your future, given the givens.

You are employed. You are young and healthy. You will get child support.
You will not be on the streets on welfare.

Please see a lawyer to KNOW your rights. You do not have to DO anything except get information.

You do not have to tell your h. You may be entitled to a free consultation with a L through your work

OR check in the yellowpages for free consults and have some questions in mind for them....I believe some of your fears will lessen when you have information. Knowledge is power.

Making choices out of fear or ignorance is not going to yield good choices.

When you operate in fear, you are NOT operating in faith.

If you are a believer, then remember that^^^ statement...and have some faith.

He will guide you. HE will strengthen you and you will survive this crisis.

It's not eternal. It's not fatal. But you must take care of yourself.

Take a breath, say a prayer and believe you will be alright, b/c you will.