My wife of 14 years walked out on me and our two kids about 6 months ago. At first she blamed me and my neglect of her but a few weeks later I found out that she had developed some feelings for her gym instructor. He had been exchanging music etc with her and slowly she became obsessed with this man. We still started working on our marriage and things seemed to improve as she felt she was ready to move back. However she started exchanging flirty messages with her gym instructor again last month - who she hasn't seen for 5 months. At first she convinced me it was just friendship but now she seems to be on a high and energized by their exchanges. The other day out of the blue she broke up with me. She still hasn't met her instructor yet but chats with him daily mostly silly stuff. Is this some sort of phase? Should I wait or proceed with divorce? She is so confused and so am I. But sometimes she is on a high when she chats with this guy and behaves coldly towards me. She is not confident that we are over.
An affair can be like a drug. And it may take more than one attempt for your W to leave it. Some people feel an emotional affair is more painful to the betrayed partner than a physical one. How you feel about that is up to you.
I understand your questioning of this as a "phase" and statistically speaking, it possibly is. Affairs generally don't lead to long term, successful relationships.
First question is, if this A continues and IF it leads to a PA... would that be a deal breaker for you? Be honest and regardless of your first answer... dig deeper and consider it again...
If you do feel that you could get over it, and TRULY forgive your W... you might stand a chance of recovering your M. It starts with you and working on yourself and fixing things in you that could have lead your W to feel she was not getting her emotional needs met, so is seeking it elsewhere.
Understand that no one will say that an A is justified. What we will say is, it really is a symptom of a deeper marital issue. And BOTH partners hold (their own personal) responsibility for the break down of the M.
If you have not, get the DR book. And read about LRT and how that will help you to get off the emotional roller coaster and do the introspective work necessary to possibly save your M.
Completely agree with Kaffe Diem on reading DR and focusing on yourself. Also, google "affair fog" if you want to understand how your wife likely can't think rationally right now...and it is nearly impossible to actively work on the M together while she is in an affair (EA or PA)
My H has been in an affair for 6 months (I've known for almost 4)...it's a nightmare. I'd advise also reading books on affairs such as Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends". It really helps understand the motivations behind the affair and through these books...I'd gotten to a place of understanding why my H was doing this.
However, I'm now unwilling to live with my H's affair and I've told him we need to separate. I'm to the point where I'm fairly detached and I just know I deserve better. But, I'm glad I took a few months to try and I believe my H may eventually realize what he's done.
I'd just brace yourself for a long ride. I would really focus on being the best person you can be and on supporting her through this.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Thanks for taking time to reply. I have read that these affairs are like cocaine and somehow make the WAS oblivious to the pain and damage they cause. I am not sure how long this ride is going to be or how bumpy. Working on myself and trying to be the best I can be for my kids. For months she had been saying that she does not want to see this guy and we are just friends - but I was never convinced. Yesterday she said that she might want to see him but would not tell me. I shrugged my shoulders and told her that I will do what I have to do secretly hoping that she would grow the hell up. Her behaviour and chat messages to this gym instructor are so juvenile.
We talk here about how it is ACTIONS NOT WORDS, that really is the proof. If we tell our spouses we can change and can be better, they will not believe the words. But as we change and become better and are consistent with those actions, THAT is when they believe us.
The same goes for the WAS. Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. If your W is putting a lot of energy in being connected with this guy, then she is taking that energy away from being focused on you and your M. If she is "just friends" with this guy, then she can be completely transparent about the R, their meetings, their conversations... there'd be nothing to withhold... no reason for private conversations...
The A, or just for the sake of argument, let's say this new, fun "friendship" will take a while to peter out. There's no way to tell, but you can't control it and sometimes it is believe that letting these things go full out is the best way for these Rs to run out of gas...
In the mean time, focus on you and becoming a better you.
You haven't mentioned, but have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis? All of how to help deal with your sitch is in the books.
Other members here can help support you in this, but the books really spell it all out, very clearly.
Thank you. I am trying to be a better person and look at this as an opportunity for personal growth. No need to worry about controlling the uncontrollable. Will bide my time but who knows if and when she wakes up I might have moved on.
