I don't think there is anyone here who would say get a loan against your vehicle or sell something you are relying on for your day-to-day life when techniques you can use to improve your relationship are right here on the board. The advice you get from any one poster is not expert advice, however, ALL of Michele's techniques from her years of research are right here on this board--and in Divorce Remedy, Divorce Busting, Keeping Love Alive and all of her works.
Work through the exercises in the Keeping Love Alive forum or the Divorce Remedy 7 steps.
Read the stories of those who have been successful. They are all over the board, and it doesn't matter if it's an old story or a new story, what matters is HOW. The principles are the same throughout:
1) What you focus on expands---focus on the things that are good.
If it isn't broke, don't fix it...keep doing what's working.
2) Immediately STOP DOING the things that aren't working for you. If they didn't work in the past, if your spouse isn't happy about it, it isn't likely to EVER work for you, no matter how much it makes sense to you.
What is your spouse's stereotype of you? Do the complete OPPOSITE, and make it a lifetime change (a '180').
Are you going down a CHEESELESS TUNNEL? (Do you keep going through the same old same old drama's with the same old same old results? STOP IT Do you have the same old arguments?
Change ANYTHING...the where, the when, the how.... read up...
Read 'The Last Resort Technique' to learn HOW to give up over-pursuing...
One caveat.... The Last Resort Technique can let your spouse remember the love....it DOES NOT rebuild your skillset alone....you need to use this time to:
center/reclaim yourself begin to BUILD YOUR RELATIONSHIP SKILLSET (you often practice this in your job or with your family members while you are 'on your own') let your spouse miss you
There is LOTS of hope...we are rooting for you, we believe in you, we are counting on you.
Molly.. I know how desperate must feel. I feel it all time. But with support of the great people here, I have been able to retain most of my sanity . It's really nice to have people here who can put some alternate perspectives on the DB techniques because sometimes it's easy to just get stuck. Just keep posting!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hi Molly, I was briefly through your thread before and will read it again to get an idea of where you are at.
It is OK to ask for help and we are here to help support you through this. One thing to remember is, never stand still. Stability is false security.
Understand that while you may be wanting support, keep posting. Use this thread as a daily journal or to drop thoughts and efforts on a regular basis. The activity in your thread will draw the attention of other members and they will provide thoughts and support as they feel appropriate.
So in the mean time, if you feel stuck, do something to inch yourself forward.
As great as it would be if we could all get a DB coach, dbmod's answer to you is (of course) bang on. Do not put yourself at risk. It is one thing to stretch, it's another to endanger ourselves.
Female lions hunt for the pack. Who eats first?
No... it's not the Lion...
No... it's not the kits...
The females eat first. If they do not keep their strength up, the cannot continue to hunt.
You cannot help anyone else until you've made sure you are OK and secure.
BTW: the carets ( the ^^^^^^^ ) are used to indicate "look above" and sometimes used to bump a newbies thread to the front page.
Thanks. Trying to learn to navigate. I've been following several posters and threads and was feeling a little discouraged because I wasn't getting much feedback at all. Thought I wa doing something wrong. I'm alone and isolated and feel like crap. All that put together has me lower than low. Please give any feedback, advice, etc that you have to offer. I'm drowning here!!!!
You've been getting a lot of support from some top members here.
I'm guessing you are feeling anxious and are full of anxiety. Would that be correct?
We all get moments, especially early in our sitchs, when we get into panic mode for one reason or another. As time goes on, these moments will get less and less.
One great way to help this is to have a number of GAL activities in our back pockets so that when we have moments of doom and gloom, we can reach into that bag of GAL and DO something to get our minds off the sitch.
What are some GAL activities that you are doing or would like to do?
I am sorry that you are here, but later you will find that this may be the best thing that ever happened to you.
As though it may be hard for you to hear, the best thing for you is to GAL and possibly go dark/dim. This protects you and give the WAS space to think (hopefully).
As hard as this is to accept, the past relationship you have with H is over. Hopefully a new one can begin, but before that can happen you need to take care of yourself and then let your emotions sink in and sit with them.
When dealing with H, remember that you CANNOT change him no matter what, so don't even try.
Set boundaries that will work for you and your children. That is all you can control. Don't worry about what he thinks at this point. You are probably the rational one.
Forgive yourself for the past sins and learn from them.
As you begin to detach, you will start to see your role in the relationship and the problems with it.
Once you recognize it, then make a promise to yourself to change the present behavior and follow it no matter if H takes you back or not. (because this is for you, not him)
# 1. forgive yourself and use it as a learning experience. #2. Give the M up to God and work on yourself. That is your best bet at this time.
I realize this is tough to do but walking through the wall of fire of our fear is the only way to find an answer.
Good luck!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I know that drowning feeling. I felt it yesterday. But surprisingly, I feel much better today. It's a continual roller coaster.
I don't have advice to offer (I'm a mess) but I just wanted to post to let you know I'm following your sitch and want to provide support for you wherever i can.
Take care
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
please tell me that you read my last post to you....it was time consuming to write and I want to know that you are "hearing" our words...
Not "losing your concentration" so much that we are unable to help you b/c you are racing around too much in your head...
Take a breath. Read the posts that help you, and think them through. Understand how they apply to YOU, and remember them...
The whole list of GALs and turning it over to God exercises--you glossed over them. Don't. It's crucial you process them b/c they are all about "how to" get through this explosive yet delicate time.
It's specifically for those panic modes. I don't know if you are a believer in God or a higher power or a loving force in the universe, but I sure am.
And my faith and the strength it gave me, increased greatly in that time. I thank God (literally) for my faith.
Rely on and explore your faith more. It's a permanent gift you give yourself, and others in your life Lean into the arms of a loving God, know you CAN turn your pain and anger over to HIM...he'll carry it for you, b/c it's too heavy for you just now...
and let HIM give you the strength to
1) make changes in yourself that YOU want to make, no matter what --b/c YOU said as much here...
and
2) face whatever comes w/dignity and grace. You will make it to the other shore...HE's there for you, as we are, and all your friends and family who love you.
btw-When family and friends asked me in 2006, what the chances of my marriage working out were, I told people it was "maybe 10%"...but here I am.
I'm better than okay. But if my h died and I were done grieving, I know I'd be happy again. If h left me and stayed gone, I know I'd eventually be happy again.
Before the marital crisis, I did NOT know this^^^ about myself. Now I do.
This was a gift in disguise... I am more loving and more lovable and more capable of receiving love as it is given, whether it's my love language or not. These are changes we can all make.
I'm permanently stronger. I have some days I backslide for sure...but on the whole, I'm a better wife and mother than before.
Stop the panic attack stuff. Get a grip.
If your children were endangered, would you shrivel up in fear, "drowning", OR would you look around for tools and weapons to help them?
Don't gloss over posts b/c you think they lack the secret answer or "THE ONE SENTENCE THAT CHANGES IT ALL..."--- that does not exist.
As a L, believe me, I marshalled all the arguments in the world for h to stay. If I were in court, I think I'd have won big. So what??
It did NOT matter to him.
he convinced himself of many things that were unlikely or absolutely not true.
He wanted to go. It was not rational. He seemed obsessed by it. He seemed to "need" to go.
I had to play the cards I was dealt and focus on ME and MY life and MY Kids' lives and do what was best for us/them, with the assumption h would not be here. Your arguments do NOT matter to your h. HE has already thought this out. All you can do is keep the changes in you going. For emphasis, I'm repeating that sentence. All you can do, is keep the changes in YOU going. That is your task...
In TIME, if he really believes the changes are genuine and real
AND would last, [i]even if he came back-
it's hard to believe a man would not reconsider staying married to the mother of his children.
Some do, some don't.
Your changes sound needed BUT they also sound passive to me.
The 180s are all about what you will NOT do...but what changes are you making that require you DOING something new or different? Focus on those...they count a lot. They are more noticeable.
Please don't expect to notice any changes or doubts in him. IF he allows himself to feel them, he won't tell you. He may have felt confused by ML the other night, (it felt good to be close to you) but that may have scared him b/c he feels he's on a mission now, and doesn't want to be stalled or derailed with second thoughts or self doubt. Men don't like that.
What can you DO about that?NOTHING so... Back to you, your work in your sandbox...
you have to do the "math"--first, which means Your consistent changes + sufficient time passing = changes HE can believe in.
and do NOT check for, expect or even hope for a change in HIM-for a long time. Let alone a change he'll share with you or show you...he'll repress it for a long time. Until he has enough space and time to allow the good memories to resurface and to believe in the changes he sees...
You have been given a gift. The gift of TIME under the same roof. Yes it's hard in many ways--tension or stressful...
but it's the 4-5 months you have, to change your ways consistently.
and NOT point them out or highlight them...just make the changes and let them radiate. Believe in the new you and it will show.
You may have to ACT like an Academy Award winner, but you can do it. Fake it til you make it.
NO pursuing/No guilting/No arguments FOR the marriage...
read those 37 rules Sandi & others assembled. Read them over and over, each day...perhaps hourly.
You can go 7 days without freaking-yes you can. Start with a day at a time, and go from there to a week.
In those days, GAL and do 180s and DETACH...count each day of "no panic/obsessing" as a small victory and build on them. At some point you'll have to extend it to 30 day increments...and if he leaves, that's still not over.
Please tell the EAP counselor you are having trouble sleeping, concentrating and are not eating right..ask for a referral. I'd be shocked if you didn't get one.
Some states allow physician "extenders" to prescribe, so you can ask.
At least DISCUSS getting on some meds b/c you're saying dramatic things and I don't know how to gauge those comments.
But what I'm getting from you, no offense, is near hysteria.
That does NOT help you. That does NOT help your daughters.
That does NOT HELP YOUR MARRIAGE, and your h finds it unappealing. As the DB moderator said, "Stop doing what you know does not work."
as for meds... I found that I handled some crucial moments a lot better when I felt calm and not out of control. For SURE I benefitted at night by sleeping better.
And if you get a referral ASAP, you may find as I did, that just Knowing you have something safe and prescribed IF you need it, is itself soothing. That helps reduce the feelings of panic.
Sorry if I sound like I'm pushing this too much--you may be the type who finds Valerian tea or Kava and a hot bath, soothing enough. (Or benadryl).
A friend once told me "never underestimate the healing power of warm water" and she was right. I soaked in a hot tub at a friend's house. Had a glass of wine...And it really helped me...it really did. If there's one at a gym, use that. Otherwise - light some candles at home, have that glass and soak once the kids are in bed. In the bath, Do your mantras (say the little pep talks that soothe you, or pray. It helps)...
in the day when I could, I went on LONG jogs/walks. I called them "Fury marches". I used my Ipod with various playlists on it..."The Optimistic Playlist" that helped me envision it all working out w/h... that got too painful though, as I feared the loss too much. So i had another optimistic playlist of songs for me with a new man...or with no man but with me& the kids happy...
I'd listen to some self help books by Marianne WIlliamson (too new agey for some, but her forgiveness work is excellent)
or audio books by Wayne Dyer or Carolyn Myss...and they guided me with my pep talks too.
Exercise as much as you can. You will LOOK better and feel better and that means you are more attractive...which feels better, etc...nice cycle there.
You must not keep panicking...you must NOT argue with his choices b/c you only force him to defend them- and say them and cement them more in his mind...what you resist, persists...
It's not easy, but it's also NOT complicated. Be disciplined. If this is as important to you as you say, and I believe it is,
then you MUST GET A GRIP
and if that means seeing a professional and getting some anti-depressants and or anti-anxiety meds, so be it.
Take care of yourself so you can make the best choices possible. Be optimistic about your future, given the givens.
You are employed. You are young and healthy. You will get child support. You will not be on the streets on welfare.
Please see a lawyer to KNOW your rights. You do not have to DO anything except get information.
You do not have to tell your h. You may be entitled to a free consultation with a L through your work
OR check in the yellowpages for free consults and have some questions in mind for them....I believe some of your fears will lessen when you have information. Knowledge is power.
Making choices out of fear or ignorance is not going to yield good choices.
When you operate in fear, you are NOT operating in faith.
If you are a believer, then remember that^^^ statement...and have some faith.
He will guide you. HE will strengthen you and you will survive this crisis.
It's not eternal. It's not fatal. But you must take care of yourself.
Take a breath, say a prayer and believe you will be alright, b/c you will.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
. It's really nice to have people here who can put some alternate perspectives on the DB techniques because sometimes it's easy to just get stuck. Just keep posting!