waiting for the tides to change

[BFloat]

A little bit better.. A little bit stronger.. I still haven't done too much today but I laughed and danced w/ D2 and cuddled w/ S5. I also managed to eat a normal meal. Laughed over coffee w/ a gf who came to visit my kids and I...

I think seeing S and D have their moments of sadness made me angry w/ H. They are so beautiful!! Who in their right mind would leave these 2 little beings?? But that's not my choice. It's H's.

As for M.. I have been keeping as dark as possible. No facebook updates.. No txt'ing H or sharing funny photos or stories.. I've really just addressed things in the email that have been imminent. Otherwise, I am giving him and myself some much needed space. I learning to let go of my need to control an fix every situation. Such a difficult thing as it would be so much easier if I always knew exactly what was going to happen .

H sent another email mentioning some details about paperwork.. Then asked what happens on family literacy day.. And also that he forgot to sign some form for S on fridge. I'm not sure whether I answer this as I have already emailed him telling him to check joint email for newsletters about school stuff. Isn't that part of being independant and standing up on your own? Isn't me telling him all these details exactly what he didn't want? That he felt he couldn't figure all this out on his own? I think I'll just leave the email for now. That will be another 180 if I don't answer.

I don't know. I don't quite feel like it's over. I think some time and space may do us wonders. But i am beginning to accept that I can not control H and his decisions. Just my own.