How Do You Stop Driving Yourself Crazy

[steady]

A. Nope I don't do any of that. Actually we have a pretty good relationship since I stopped pursuing her.

Funny how that works isn't it?

I'm getting a little better at not obsessing over the R.

Mindfulness type programs can help you with the obsessing. Mindful meditation, mindful cognitive behavior therapy, emotional intelligence. Google any of those and you'll get the idea.

Obsessive thought patterns are a learned behavior. They take over and over-run the part of your mind which is supposed to be able to throttle the emotional/mental response to match the actual "threat" that's perceived.

It is hard because I literally see her every day even though we are S.To keep things "normal" for the kids I put my son on the bus everyday for school etc.

Do you really have to see her every day? Is there a way you can 'not' see her a few times a week?

Why are you really doing all of that? Maybe to impress the W?

A. No I'm doing it to keep my racing mind busy. I don't even think she knows I do it.

Do you still peak at her FB.

A. I can't. It is completely locked down even if I wanted to. But because we had so many mutual friends and it gave me high anxiety and is actually a big reason why we have so much damage in our marriage I decided to delete it.

Good, good and good.

Seems like you worked your ass off Steady to get the end result you didn't want. I guess that is what I fear. I just have to take the attitude of saying "at least I gave it my all and never gave up"

The jury is still out on whether I get the end result I wanted. VERY often there's a difference between what we need and what we want. But I did get a lot of what I wanted.

I wanted:

to be in a position where it didn't matter to me whether my M was saved or not... got it.

to be in a position to know I have no idea where anything is actually heading or where anything will land.... got it

to be standing on my own two feet and living my life... got it.

to not be obsessing about 'her' .... got it.

to have 50% custody of my kids... got it

oh the list can go on for quite a while.

New to the forum but just doesn't seem like a lot of happy endings on here.

Lots of eventual happy endings. Not so many 'saved' marriages. I use the term saved very lightly.

I can appreciate the comment that you made about not caring which way the relationship goes. Funny thing is my W actually told me that in a round about way when I was still at home. She said maybe if you stopped caring so much things would get better.

Just don't take that and beat yourself over the head. It was probably more in line with leaving her alone at the time. The not caring is detachment to outcome, that's for YOU... that's your freedom.

I've learned a ton about myself the last 4 weeks and even more about myself today. Thanks again for the reply

Ultimately that's why you're here. You may not know it yet.

You may want to gander at these:

Detaching
A few posts below that:
Detachment as it relates to 180's

Here's a story I love. If you can embrace this way of being you'll be golden:

We'll See...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

"We'll see," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

"We'll see," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

"We'll see," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

"We'll see" said the farmer.