Jenna- Thanks so much! I didn't see your post before I started writing that^^^^^^one.
I just read yours, and I really needed that kick in the butt! We've got a strange dynamic right now and it's hard to completely separate houses/lives.... but I'm becoming more uncomfortable with our current arrangements. I guess I thought that when he 'moved out'- he would be out of my life a little more- which was going to hurt, but at least I could learn to accept his absence. The way things are now- I can't get over him, because he's always here! Even on his 'weekend off' he came by a few times to get things or see the boys. I never considered him a cake eater when he was living in the guest room because he contributed to the house.... but now, he's acting like nothing has to change since he's not living here. This is REALLY complicated and I'm nervous (not sure why) about putting my foot down and setting a clear boundary.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Your earlier interaction with him was excellent. It's interesting that XBF did not tell him of your gift...gee, I'm SURE it was an oversight...what a hosebag. So now HE knows? Good...but enough of the overt kindness to her, puhlease!
Be dignified and hold your head high, but don't reach out. SHE is cake eating...or in her mind she is...but, NEVER MIND THEM... well done-- NOTE--all these events that so enrage you BUT which you handle in a new way
are evidence of real change in you. They are opportunities...remember that.
Originally Posted By: purgatory
I'm breathing.... Trying to remain calm....
I called H at work to let him know about the doctor appointment this morning, he didn't answer. I text him to call when he had a chance- he called 5 minutes later from his cell. It was completely quiet in the background, and. I car noise either- my mind started wondering here he was in the middle of the day. I didn't ask the question I wanted to ask: where are you? that was really hard. this^^^ is pure Obsessing. Best cure for that is your new mantras and GAL...and don't tell me how hard it is with a baby and a 6 y/o. I gave birth 6 weeks after landing in the tundra and I got a life when the baby was about 14 months...and winters there are frickin' "life threateningly cold" (that was on the newspaper there once and I cut it out...I wanted proof I had actually lived in a place that was colder than outerspace...
What are the mantras you are telling yourself? Do you have that gadget for your Ipod that you can speak into? I had a 2 minute pep talk for myself recorded made up of several DB phrases and my own that I'd listen to when feeling out of control...
and don't forget, most of all, you CAN turn this over to the Big Guy upstairs...I have rarely leaned on Him as much as I did then. Kinda feel guilty that I don't go as much now that I feel better...(geez, talk about Not being grateful enough...come to think of it, I'll go again this week just for that.)
I relayed to appointment to him, and he's going to have to adjust his normal plans for this evening (which means not going over to OW's house!) but I'm sure they'll be on the phone all night while I gone. Grrrrre See? This^^ is more obsessing and you've made it so that 1) he MUST be seeing her in the day and 2) will see her tonight or would have and 3) if not, then he'll be talking to her all night...
you negatively projected scenarios for all three events...STOP IT...
I still really want to know where he was at when he called!! I know I'm not supposed to ask, and he's even said that I don't have the right to know about his private life anymore.... This is really hard for me to do. (it's kinda pathetic!!)
(Sigh) See above posts...and since HE has told you it's not your business...you have your answer. Meaning, do NOT ask him, period. Ever... but don't be where HE can reach you at all times either. Seriously...GAL!!! Get some mystery...ask someone else to watch the kids some evening and go OUT with a new friend or by yourself..whatever...(get cash from the ATM unless you want him to know you bought a dinner somewhere) Ok, had to get that out of my system
^^^Good...understood...
don't underestimate the value of that workshop I told you about. IF anything would "fix" you, it's that...you're so ripe for change b/c you are at a crossroads...but you still don't quite know HOW to BE the new you.
But you can learn...and that's your task.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
YES! I *want* to learn how to do this "new me". I'm already saving up for the workshop. Wednesday and Thursday are my nights off from the kids, so I have time tonight to GAL. I'm really looking forward to going back to the church tonight- I know what you mean about 'turning to Him more on this stich than ever before'.... I REALLY want to turn everything over and get this obsessing weight off my chest! But *wanting* to do it and *actually* doing it are 2 different things.
I don't disagree with you that I'm obsessing, and I don't disagree that it's not productive or healthy..... still don't know how to turn it off! I still have to tell myself, conscienceley(sp?), not to ask questions and not to let him see that I'm bothered by not knowing.... Even if I can make myself not ask, I haven't mastered my poker face (or voice.)
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL about not being able to turn the "OFF" button for obessing.
I'm one of 9 kids and have 3 sisters. 2 of them divorced about 5 years apart and reacted in vastly different ways. My older sister was the epitome of grace and honor under fire.
Her h was always a taker, she was always the giver. Worked full time and put him thru law school and raised their 3 kids. He left her after 22 years for OW...
Today, that sister is remarried to a man who "gets" her. He is a giver and so is she and I can honestly say she is happier now than she could possibly have been with her first h...(btw, her ex h married someone HE refers to as "high maintenance" and she sure is...so karma is real I guess...) (Is it wrong that I'm happy about that? Probably, but who said I was perfect?)
The younger sister, J, who divorced, circled the drain for 3 YEARS of wondering "WHY he chose OW" and how much she hurt b/c she loved him SO MUCH and blah blah blah...sorry but she wallowed in her victimhood and attracted nothing good for those 3 years.
When my older sister told me I had "started to sound like J" I almost hung up the phone. But she was right. So I snapped out of it for a minute and let it get me to figuratively slap my face and saying
my mantras and "this pain is NOT fatal or eternal and I will survive & thrive when I AM READY...(which is getting to be real soon")
You will get better at this. It hasn't been that long...
Coming here helps IF you take some of the advice you get here. And I know you do. (There are some who want to vent and only vent...and they get stuck...like my sister J...and btw, I don't think she's truly examined her role in the demise of her first m. She just thinks "oh he left me for OW"...
like her gaining 60lbs...no kids, no job and no further schooling beyond college--only actual "housewife" I ever knew...so she wasn't bringing a lot to the table. She won't dig deep b/c she's afraid that deep down, under all the layers of being funny and smart, is that she's NOT a lovable person. This is a lie but I think it's what she fears...
Finally she was broke and decided to go back to school and got her RN and is working full time now. So yes
She has made progress, but it just took a LONG time...too long...too long for YOU for sure. You have three kids watching you. In that sense, you're so lucky.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Poker face and voice not my strong suit. I was never good at theatre.
I know what you mean by not knowing how to turn it off. I'm trying to redirect my focus.. Keep myself distracted.. And yet everything brings me back to my present situation. Ugh.
I have been praying a lot more these days. Trying to really turn my marriage over to God as 25 suggested to you. It is really hard not to obsess!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
25- thanks for the 'sisters stories'... I really don't want to be doing this for three years! I have always been tough on myself and I think that I've been disappointed that I can't be strong... but then I have to remind myself that it's only been 2 months since the bomb- so I should be a little more gentle on myself.
BF- I've been praying a lot more too... It's a good thing He doesn't hold a grudge when we only turn to him in crisis. I'm with you: no mater what I try to distract myself with, something always reminds/brings me back to my sitch. I feel like my sitch is a thick cloud of fog and I desperately want to break through it and get above it- where the sky is brighter and clearer.
=========== H came over tonight to be with the boys, for my night off. He got there earlier than expected, so I wasn't ready to walk out the door. H asked me to sign some refinancing papers (a process we started before the bomb- so it's bittersweet)... while looking through them, H brought up that he went to another L today and started sharing some info he had. I was caught off guard a little, but I didn't feel the need to tell him I wanted to talk later. I shared with him the info that my L told me last week- we started a CALM (surprise!) talk about the papers. There were a few disagreements/misunderstandings about child and spouse support- but we talked it all out-without yelling, accusations, low blows, sarcasm, or snide comments- and came to a resolution that we are both happy with (as happy as I can be about the topic.)
H even agreed to stay "separated indefinitely" because of financial and medical benefits to both of us.... then it hit me like a bullet: When I sign these 'separation' papers, it's technically my 'divorce'. The panic set in, the tears started to well up- and I bolted out of the kitchen and up into my room. Def not my best DB exit, but I wasn't expecting my reaction to be so strong.
I'm glad he agreed to this arrangement because it takes a lot of stress about medical issues off my shoulders..... but at the same time- these papers are the end of my marriage. I want to stop this! Or at least slow it down! The good/bad thing is that we've been able to agree on terms on our own with no L needed to negotiate, but that means that this has happened so fast! These papers are the official start of my new life- one that I am dragging my heels to start.
Only 2 months ago, he was ML to me and telling me that he loved me, he was telling me that even though things were rough- he was happy to see how hard I was trying, and proud of the changes I *had* made.... how does THAT go to: I love you, but not in love?!?!
I left the house as quickly as I could- and I was dressed cute and managed to put some makeup on to cover the red eyes of crying. I had plans to meet a friend (girl) for dinner before church..... I got stood up. No call, no show. I was really crushed at a level I didn't expect and I started to have a panic attack in the restaurant, so I left to freak out in my car. I didn't go to church. I couldn't figure out why I was so devastated by her leaving me there- it's not like it was a date with a guy.... then I realized: I was rejected. I've been rejected by my H, my BFF and now by a new friend (one that I hoped would become a closer friend.)
I came home and have closed myself into my room. I don't think H even noticed that I came back until I came back downstairs an hour later to get food (I thought I had heard him go into the guest room, so I didn't think I would see him.) He looked shocked and asked if I was ok, I just said: "yep, I'm fine." (I could have shot myself- he knows that I only use 'fine' when I'm mad or upset.)
I made some dinner and have been in my room ever since. I'm trying not to cry too loud because I know he can hear it. I am not proud the I succumbed to my sadness and didn't go to church. It probably would have been the best thing for me, I just couldn't compose myself enough to drive and be around people.
Why does no one want to be my friend? I feel like I'm 7 years old again: with thick glasses being called a 'nerd' and 'the teachers pet' (when I was supposed to be in 1st grade, I was in 3rd.) I didn't have 'friends', only people who pretended to be a friend to get something from me- usually to copy off my tests- and I let them because I thought it made me 'likable' and 'popular'.... I let people use me even at such a young age. As a military brat, I was always the new kid in school, I was always concerned with being liked and accepted- so I modified who I was to fit in. It wasn't until college that I 'found myself' and felt comfortable weeding out people who were users and ones who were friends. I can now count on hand the number of true friends that I have. Sadly, H and BFF are no longer on there, so I'm down to 3.
[wow, I'm sorry you had to come to a therapy session up^^^^^ there] I'm having a night of self-doubt and insecurities.... I don't like this at all. I feel rejected by everyone.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Oh Purg..hugs to you! So sorry you're having a rough night. I can relate to not having many friends, and the few that I have I don't see very often and they don't know what's going on. I consider people in this community friends even though I don't know anyone's names, never met anyone in person and don't know what anyone look like. But that's all irrelevant. I have received so much good advise here, more than one would get from a "good" friend.
Is there a meet up group in your area that you could join? I know it's a shot in the dark, but you never know what kind of people you may meet.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
((((Purg)))) I am having a sad week :-( Ear h moment is a new opportunity to turn it around! I haven't yet, but there is another moment coming......and another one....and another one....so don't give up! One of these moments will be the one, we just have to make it till then one breath at a time.
Today will not be the day that I give up hope!! Tomorrow will take care of itself, but Today will not be the day that I give up hope!
It's comforting to know that I can come here and not be rejected, I'm in such a low place tonight- I really appreciate y'all reaching out to me.
H went into his room. I came out of mine and came downstairs. I cleaned the kitchen, straightened up the living room and made blueberry bread for breakfast... that's how I GAL tonight
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
