Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[purgatory]

25- thanks for the 'sisters stories'... I really don't want to be doing this for three years! I have always been tough on myself and I think that I've been disappointed that I can't be strong... but then I have to remind myself that it's only been 2 months since the bomb- so I should be a little more gentle on myself.

BF- I've been praying a lot more too... It's a good thing He doesn't hold a grudge when we only turn to him in crisis. I'm with you: no mater what I try to distract myself with, something always reminds/brings me back to my sitch. I feel like my sitch is a thick cloud of fog and I desperately want to break through it and get above it- where the sky is brighter and clearer.

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H came over tonight to be with the boys, for my night off. He got there earlier than expected, so I wasn't ready to walk out the door. H asked me to sign some refinancing papers (a process we started before the bomb- so it's bittersweet)... while looking through them, H brought up that he went to another L today and started sharing some info he had. I was caught off guard a little, but I didn't feel the need to tell him I wanted to talk later. I shared with him the info that my L told me last week- we started a CALM (surprise!) talk about the papers. There were a few disagreements/misunderstandings about child and spouse support- but we talked it all out-without yelling, accusations, low blows, sarcasm, or snide comments- and came to a resolution that we are both happy with (as happy as I can be about the topic.)

H even agreed to stay "separated indefinitely" because of financial and medical benefits to both of us.... then it hit me like a bullet: When I sign these 'separation' papers, it's technically my 'divorce'. The panic set in, the tears started to well up- and I bolted out of the kitchen and up into my room. Def not my best DB exit, but I wasn't expecting my reaction to be so strong.

I'm glad he agreed to this arrangement because it takes a lot of stress about medical issues off my shoulders..... but at the same time- these papers are the end of my marriage. I want to stop this! Or at least slow it down! The good/bad thing is that we've been able to agree on terms on our own with no L needed to negotiate, but that means that this has happened so fast! These papers are the official start of my new life- one that I am dragging my heels to start.

Only 2 months ago, he was ML to me and telling me that he loved me, he was telling me that even though things were rough- he was happy to see how hard I was trying, and proud of the changes I *had* made.... how does THAT go to: I love you, but not in love?!?!

I left the house as quickly as I could- and I was dressed cute and managed to put some makeup on to cover the red eyes of crying. I had plans to meet a friend (girl) for dinner before church..... I got stood up. No call, no show. I was really crushed at a level I didn't expect and I started to have a panic attack in the restaurant, so I left to freak out in my car. I didn't go to church. I couldn't figure out why I was so devastated by her leaving me there- it's not like it was a date with a guy.... then I realized: I was rejected. I've been rejected by my H, my BFF and now by a new friend (one that I hoped would become a closer friend.)

I came home and have closed myself into my room. I don't think H even noticed that I came back until I came back downstairs an hour later to get food (I thought I had heard him go into the guest room, so I didn't think I would see him.) He looked shocked and asked if I was ok, I just said: "yep, I'm fine." (I could have shot myself- he knows that I only use 'fine' when I'm mad or upset.)

I made some dinner and have been in my room ever since. I'm trying not to cry too loud because I know he can hear it. I am not proud the I succumbed to my sadness and didn't go to church. It probably would have been the best thing for me, I just couldn't compose myself enough to drive and be around people.

Why does no one want to be my friend? I feel like I'm 7 years old again: with thick glasses being called a 'nerd' and 'the teachers pet' (when I was supposed to be in 1st grade, I was in 3rd.) I didn't have 'friends', only people who pretended to be a friend to get something from me- usually to copy off my tests- and I let them because I thought it made me 'likable' and 'popular'.... I let people use me even at such a young age. As a military brat, I was always the new kid in school, I was always concerned with being liked and accepted- so I modified who I was to fit in. It wasn't until college that I 'found myself' and felt comfortable weeding out people who were users and ones who were friends. I can now count on hand the number of true friends that I have. Sadly, H and BFF are no longer on there, so I'm down to 3.

[wow, I'm sorry you had to come to a therapy session up^^^^^ there]
I'm having a night of self-doubt and insecurities.... I don't like this at all. I feel rejected by everyone.