How Do You Stop Driving Yourself Crazy

[steady]

My 1st thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...167#Post2215167

Thanks everyone! Let me clarify. I begged, pleaded, cried, manipulated, tried every tactic under the sun while I was at home for over a year straight which LED to the physical S.

I did the same thing. Pushed my relationship right off the cliff. The physical separation will be the best thing for you even though you may not see it from the position you are currently in.

Now that we are physically in separate houses I do not pursue or ever mention the R at all. I am reading DR, using a coach, and have a SBT locally.

I know you say you're not pursuing or mentioning the R at all. But let me take a stab here - you're thinking about it most of the time. The same thoughts are obsessively whirling around in your head and no matter what you do you just can't seem to make them stop.

Doing any stalking? Drive by's?

As far as GAL I joined a local card club. I quit drinking but the cards get me out on the nights that I do not have kids. I also am involved in the church more. I'm thinking about reactivating gym membership and going mountain biking again.

Why are you really doing all of that? Maybe to impress the W?

One thing that just happened just now at kid pick up she made a comment that came across that the separation was going to be long term. (suppose to be a trial to stop the vicious cycle) I just smiled and laughed went on my way with the kids. Nice 180 actually.

Beats crying in front of her. When she says something like that to you and you actually don't get phased by it, then you'll be free. She stabbed you in the heart, you winced and grit your teeth - a step above before.

I truly wish I had DB, DR, and this forum before we had to physically separate. I would have done lots of things differently. Oh well I didn't.

Stop wishing. It doesn't do a damn thing except allow us to give ourselves more of a beating.

You weren't supposed to have DB until you got it.

The toughest parts are the things I mentioned earlier in this thread. After I say goodnight to my kids at night I don't hear a peep from her at all.

Try this on for size. How do you know her not making a peep at you is bringing her closer to you or further away? What if her peeping at you every night just pushed her further away. Would you be so distraught at her not peeping if you knew that?

She does do small things here and there that give me hope (or more like mixed messages)

Forget hope. It's a four letter word. Herein lies the problem. We think we know what things mean but we have no idea. We can read that sentence and understand it's absolutely true, but it doesn't do anything to stop us from acting and thinking as if we know what things mean. It's absolutely ridiculous how stupid our minds are to itself.

She does something small and it gives you hope. (Because you think it means you're moving in the direction you want it to move) Then something happens and it takes away your hope. (Because you think it means you're moving in a direction away from where you want it to move).

But how do you know? How can you possibly know if what's happening now is moving in any direction?

My W screwed me a month before she told me she was done and wanted a D. This was after a year of her 'trying' and me working my ass off to change. Oh boy, when that happened, it was surely a sign things were swinging my way. After all, it had been a year since we had sex.

So much for predicting.

What if I knew the future and I could tell you that you have to absolutely get to the point where you don't care which way things turn out in order for you to keep your relationship. That you both need to physically separate, that everything that's happening now and in the future needs to happen in order to get where you need to be. What would you do now and how would you feel now?

I'm trying to detach the best I can but man that is tough.

Most important thing and also the hardest thing. Why couldn't they make the most important thing the easiest?

You're trying to let go of someone you love but love her from a distance.

You can't let go of someone you actually love. I know it sounds like semantics but you can't ever hold something you love. Love doesn't hold onto anything. Letting go implies a having, a possession. That's not love. It's dysfunctional. But don't worry, I've come to the conclusion that most, if not all, (me included) people who come here suffer the same dysfunctional emotional coping mechanisms. In other words, we're emotional children for one reason or another and have never truly emotionally grew up to adulthood.

You're trying to cater (for the kids sake) to her but not smother her.

Interesting word - cater
Interesting plant of reason - for the kids sake
Interesting choice of 'not smother her'

Trying to trust she won't let some snake of guy slither in when she is vulnerable.

Really? If you really knew the absurdity of this line of thought you may possibly not have to do it.

Accepting that everything is out of my control accept my own actions is so obvious but so hard to do.

You'd be surprised to learn you can't even control your own actions. If you could, would you actually put yourself through the obsessive thinking that torments you? Thoughts come and go. You don't create them, you just notice them. By the way, all those thoughts are bullsh^t. 99.9% of them are wrong. But we latch onto them and spin ourselves into a thought frenzy.

I've always worried about things I have no control of. I know this is a 180 area I need to work on. I think lots of people do actually.

Try everyone that's here.

Anyways I appreciate all the feedback. I'm not pursuing, being pleasant, staying busy as I can, but every day is a struggle. Oh yeah the last thing I'm trying to break is talking to any family members about the situation.

Giant tip. Delete your FB account. It was liberating and eliminated 75% of my anxiety.

Do you still peak at hers?