Wow 25 - I've seen you dish out some good advice to others that really opens their eyes but getting it first-hand is a little different as I feel like I've really messed things up. Thank you for reading my earlier posts, I do appreciate that you spent time to do that.
I have read DB and DR, but actually practicing the principles has been a whole different story. My problem is that many of the principles are counter-intuitive (by design, I know), and I try something and if I don't see it working, I automatically revert to something else as I don't give it time and those are the ones that you rightfully are slamming me about above.
Regarding my 180s, I agree that I should do something out of the ordinary instead of just passive 180s. Perhaps I'll do something adventurous like you suggested.
As for remaining silent and listening to her, instead of validating, I just stayed silent and listened as I thought that was out of the ordinary as I would typically defend myself or make up an excuse for why I said what I said.
As for why she didn't join me in Paris, I asked her to come out for a few days and she mentioned that she was short on vacation days as she had recently taken a school trip to South America...and by that point, I am guessing that she didn't want much to do with me anyway.
I've read "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" and the description of why men get angry out of shame really really hit home with me (not that it is acceptable or justifiable), and I really wish I had realized this earlier because as she started withdrawing, my anger would increase instead of subside as I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she would be upset with me.
As far as the punitive actions such as saying "we can't be friends" or "fine, there's no reason to talk" was more to make her feel like this was really going to happen. I don't think it is anti-DB to lay out the expectation that we wouldn't be friends when it's said and done, but I know I could have laid it out differently.
All your points are very valid and appreciated, but I think I still have work to do on myself as I still feel threatened or hurt when she brings something up because in my mind I still think ("how can she say this stuff when there was an OM involved?") and I revert to saying something out of anger rather than sticking to DB principles.
I will keep the board posted before I do/say anything else that is not productive. It has hurt me a lot when I found out there was an OM and I know there were times when she lied to me. While I now realize that's pretty typical, it really hurt as despite a lot of what I have shared, I have tried to provide as best as I could (financially at least). I need to focus more than ever on validating and listening and I agree, quick.
Hopefully there will be something positive to share at some point in the near future.
