W racing to finish line - do I bring up OM?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25, KD and others - I am exclusively on this thread now (when moderated, my posts wouldn't show up for days so wouldn't get seen by this active thread, so tried a different one).

My 180s are: (i) not pursuing and (ii)being calm and not getting excited (W used to think I had a short fuse)

GAL activities are: (i) work out more (ii) hang out with friends and family (iii) focus on work more (not really a life, but needs to be focused on more than it has been)

are you sure you read and grasped all of the DB concepts? I mean no offense but I just read your prior posts on another thread

and you've been here since at least August and so, when have you shown her NEW behaviors? Also your 180s are passive mostly as in "not being angry" but how about some affirmative actions? Join something or go skydiving or something she would NOT expect you to do...

She said that comment at Thanksgiving...and you were silent. Why not own it and say "If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently"...?


When W said "I'd never do that", I didn't quite validate but just acknowledged it and didn't try to say I would or anything like that.


your silence was agreement with her, so in her eyes-- you remain the same way as before...

INSTEAD

you could have said something about "now you realize" b/c the point is, and has been, that YOU CAN CHANGE...ARE changing...have changed, etc

but you've Not done so much to show her. Have you? I mean she felt neglected and mistreated by you for awhile. Her letter sounds resolute but nothing is written in stone.

Problem is, You have a temper to have sworn at her repeatedly...so your perception of the marriage was at wild variation from hers...why didn't she join you for any of the 3 weeks in Paris? Just a thought...

So, if she believes you have a temper (and I'm believing it b/c cussing at a spouse is not acceptable. Have I EVER done it? Yes and I'm not proud of it).

As she ages, she probably does not see you as a solid father figure of her children b/c she wants someone who makes her feel safe. All women do.

Could you address that with her sometime SOON?

I think the "rushed" feeling you perceive, (though she's felt bad about the marriage for a much longer time and dropped the bomb on you this past summer, correct?)

So my guess is, since she has already turned 30 and her parents want their grandkids to be fine...and the clock is ticking and her m to you did not feel stable and she felt you were critical and sometimes downright mean to her, that you two don't get along well enough and that a future with you and children, would be a trap for her. My goal if i were you, is to show that she can feel safe around you and that you won't "lose it" b/c you are a different man now.

It's a little late now, but at least you'd know you said it...

What was the inlaws r with you before the bomb?



The thing that really stinks is that in November before she went on a trip, she told me "it's not like I can just move in and everything will be fine", and I said something like "why not?" instead of validating.

At this point forward I want to DB to the book, as I haven't done very well with it in the past. In fact, before I went dark in early December, I sent her a note effectively telling her in a punitive manner, saying "fine, if you don't want to talk, then I don't think it makes sense to see each other ever again"...thought that would give her a wake-up call at the time, but now realize how dumb that was.

Do you get it for real? I mean, do you honestly see how that response of yours (Punitive means it came from anger--your issue)

effectively confirmed every negative trait she mentioned in her letter to you in August? So in her mind, 4 months passed and that's the "Growth" you showed her...

I am confused as to why you want to work on it now and didn't before?

I worry that the only reason you care now, is b/c there's an OM. Beforehand, you'd have let her go, correct? That's what your behavior indicated anyhow.

So is this about winning, or about being the husband she deserves?



She sent me a text yesterday about something related to the condo and made a slight joke with a smiley face on it, but I know that doesn't mean anything because she's likely just trying to stay on good terms through this process. She actually even said she'd like to remain friends when this is said and done and I told her in no uncertain terms that it would be impossible.


what are you thinking when you say this^^^ stuff? You'll "Show her"?? She feels mistreated by you so why would you do ANYTHING UNKIND? It's tough to just be friends -we know-- but I would bet money your tone and intent was still punitive, not remorseful or even that you'd "try someday". You don't get it...sorry but you really don't...

I think my biggest issue is trying to show her changes without pursuing since there are no children involved and therefore not a reason to see each other. The only communication we have is regarding logistics around D, and that hardly seems like a place to talk about things I've started to figure out.


if it's the only place, then use it. Stop wasting time...she's not snapping out of it, YOU have to snap out of your denial about how you got here.

We still need to visit our safe deposit box to split up our assets in there and think that will occur within the next week or so, so hopefully that is an opportunity.

Create and make the most of the opportunities you have remaining...and I'm posting something to you that may not make you feel good BUT may shed some light on what I THINK your w has felt...or feels. And again I remind you, nothing is written in stone. But you must be the catalyst for change in YOU...

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that, bought the t-shirt Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought. Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell."
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Good luck Badluck...

I mean it...