Our story

[jbnati]

kolja, no 2x4s from me on your convo with your W. I don't think you stated your changes in a pursuing, chasing way. I also don't think you had a tone of, "hey, look at me! Look at these changes!" I think you simply stated where you are and where you're coming from. Just MVHO.

It'll take time for your W to notice the changes and it'll probably even take more time for her to trust and believe them. Just concentrate on being the man that she'd be a fool to leave.

[kolja]

Hey jb, thanks. That's certainly what I was going for.

Today, predictably she raged a bit. Eventually though, after an especially hateful text (which, knowing the place she's in right now, I didn't take personally even though I DO admit I was a bit taken aback) to which I didn't reply, she ALMOST backtracked. "OK, maybe that wasn't the nicest thing to say..."

On her own, she kind of led the conversation back to where we were a year ago, where with 20/20 hindsight I can see the wheels starting to come off. I got to use some of the more helpful expressions I've seen here - "Given the chance there's lots of things I would do differently" and "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's not how I remember things."

Of course that last one suggests that we in fact remember things very differently at the present. She decided I was making things up, and decided she was done talking to me - but it was certainly an improvement over where the conversation had been at ONE point in the afternoon.

Her family, who as I've said have reached out to me, were supportive. Her mother is even more convinced that I am that depression plays a role, one of the first things she asked me was if my wife had been put on any medication. Her mother also said she thought I should have cut her off a while ago.

Right now, as angry as she is at having the ATM turned off, I don't think she's interested in seeing changes. And even after the anger subsides, I DO have to wonder about how much opportunity there will be for her to see them. But, all I can do is all I can do - make the most of whatever opportunities I get.

[kolja]

Today was quiet - which after yesterday, was kind of nice. Got things done around the house, read (all leisure reading - I felt I needed a little break from marriage / self improvement after yesterday), watched football, had a nice fire at night.

I still can't say I feel super great about yesterday. My supportive friends and family all agree it was necessary - even HER family said it was necessary - but it sure doesnt feel like keeping the road home open and paved. Of course I guess it wouldnt help to have houses foreclosed, clearance suspended, credit ruined and all that.

Her mom said not only that she thought I should have done it sooner - and then THANKED me for being there for her (my wife). MIL said "I KNEW you'd be a great addition to the family."

[kolja]

Another update-

Just got a text from the wife (haven't replied yet) asking "Can we just try to agree on something??? What if we agreed to 750 [a month] till the end of the year??? No lawyers and we split things in the house??? Please I just want all this negativity to go away."

Considering she HAD been asking $1000 a month for a full year, this actually is $3750 less. It's actually FEASIBLE (I think - I'll need to do some quick math to be sure).

It's certainly a change from the venom I got on Saturday, that's for sure.

Now, personally, /I/ still don't want a divorce at all - nothing's changed there. But, along the lines of what bustorama had been suggesting earlier in my thread, I'm THINKING of going along with this one. If she never stops and reconsiders, it's at least something I can afford (even if it's more than she'd probably get from a lawyer-negotiated settlement - though it's not like I'm out to impoverish her). On the other hand, letting her move forward with it might be the best thing for us. Give her the feeling of more space, the feeling of moving twoard something she thinks she needs - and others have said the reality of filing, or the approach of 'finalizing' was what it took for things to turn around.

So, I'm thinking agreeing to this might be the way to go???

[kolja]

Well, after pondering it for a couple hours and thinking back on things I've read here, I wrote back that I completely understand what she means about the negativity and that I'd like it to go away as well; I told her the dollar amount could work as long as it was OK for it to be in the second half of the month, and asked if it would be OK if we agreed on items in the house BEFORE signing anything.

I know that just agreeing on something doesn't mean she'll actually file. I also know that if she files, that doesn't neceassarily mean it will ever be finalized.

It's also a pretty big 180 in our interactions over the last couple months. Just agreeing with something she proposed may all by itself blow her mind

[kolja]

Update- it was not only a 180 for me, but a huge 180 for us over how, and what, we communicated about over the past almost-two-months. After I initially replied, her replies were immediate and more and more collegial, dare I say friendly. Granted, they became focused on how we would divide things in the house which is a little disheartening for me (but i didn't show it). But it WAS nice to not be arguing. She SEEMED happier, and in fact she SAID she already felt much less stress. Even for me there was a little serenity at the end of the day. And, it's certainly not the end of the process either; her mother and I were talking that this might be what it takes for her to feel free and safe enough to do whatever it is SHE needs to do on her own, while I do what I need to, and then see where we are.

In other news, just placed the first order for Girl Scout cookies here at work. Thin Mints shall be returning to my house shortly!!

And, another dispatch from the 'getting a life' department; one of our local ski resorts (I think several around the country do it) does a 24 hour ski/snowboard event to raise money for the American Cancer Society. Last year I did it on my own just on a whim. This year, when I mentioned it, one of my coworkers thought there might be enough interest for us to have a team. So today I started seeing who might be interested and we've already got about five (teams are capped at 10 so it's not a HUGE undertaking). So, we'll add charity ski team leader to my 'getting a life' resume. And, 24 hour ski bum come March 3-4.

[2thepoint]

And, another dispatch from the 'getting a life' department; one of our local ski resorts (I think several around the country do it) does a 24 hour ski/snowboard event to raise money for the American Cancer Society. Last year I did it on my own just on a whim. This year, when I mentioned it, one of my coworkers thought there might be enough interest for us to have a team. So today I started seeing who might be interested and we've already got about five (teams are capped at 10 so it's not a HUGE undertaking). So, we'll add charity ski team leader to my 'getting a life' resume. And, 24 hour ski bum come March 3-4.

This is fantastic! Reminds me of the roller skating jamborees we used to go to when I was a kid. We'd go to our local skating rink on a friday/saturday night and skate until 11pm. Then we'd leave for the host rink that was sponsoring the jamboree and skate there until 3-4am. Tons of fun and wonderful memories.

Sounds like your GAL is really on fire! Keep it up!

[bustorama]

You are doing very, very well, kolja.

And your convo with your MIL is right, the less trapped WAS feels by you, the more she feels you have opened her "cage" to let her fly away, that is when things begin to get real.

Keep doing the good job on yourself, and keep letting her be herself.

[kolja]

Thanks, bustorama! Given the much needed wake up call from you a few weeks ago, I especially appreciate the feedback now!

[kolja]

Interestingly, since making the account change on Saturday and making the concession on monthly support on Monday, my wife has contacted me each day. Granted it's all been about logistical stuff (mail - we get ours at a mailbox out in town instead of the unsecured box at the end of the road - taxes, etc) but I can't help but notice that so far, it's been daily - and non-contentious.

In the meantime, my sister in law says it seems like my wife is avoiding her and their mother.