My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[~ kd ~]

Hi b74, keep journaling and soon you will be off moderation. I'll go through your latest entries and make comments as I can.

Be well.

[Broken74]

Thanks again for your feedback Kaffe! It looks like I have made it off of moderation probation :-).

I just thought of something else I forgot to put forward... One of my wife's actions within two weeks of our physically separating was to get her nose pierced. A 30 year old mother of 3 going to get her nose pierced two weeks after separating from her husband screams MLC right? It does to me anyway...

We had talked about her getting things pierced before, but never her nose. Couple this with the fact that she basically pushed God and her faith out of her life along with me makes me think maybe I am dealing with WAW/MLC combo...

AAAAArrrrghhhh....

[~ kd ~]

Great job finding that list. Some people actually will print off that list and keep it in their pocket to remind themselves, as needed. In LRT, every one of those items is important. Certain points are important to keep in mind, just in general discourse with your W and even in day to day relationships.

Understand there is LRT and there is going dark. Some people discuss "shades" of dark, especially if there are children. You indicated in the "rules" post you've had no contact with your W. I just want to touch on this:

+ LRT says let your W initiate contact. It does not mean you should not communicate with her. In the case of kids or finances, DO talk with her. If you cannot, find a mediator or someone who is willing and able to help with communication.

+ going dark is about protecting yourself. In your case it's protecting yourself emotionally, but it IS ALSO about protecting yourself, legally. You do not want to put yourself in a compromising position or conversation that could lead to legal action.

To give you an idea, there was a point where my W made allusions to being afraid of me. I've never, ever hit anyone... ok, I'll admit I tried once, but missed... And with that was my own concern that her concern (albeit misplaced, from my perspective) might grow to include concern for the kids. So at that moment, I went completely dark and no contact for a couple weeks, except for any communication I needed to respond to her, which was ONLY by email, so that I had some form of proof, just in case.

Whatever my W's concerns were, they likely stemmed from a defensive mode she went into because of her previous common law BF who actually was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I suspect she got into a head space where she was projecting that fear of him, onto me. It didn't matter. I realized that I needed to remove myself from that as quickly and completely as possible.

And yes, when our spouses are having some drama in their lives, we (at least until we set and maintain firm boundaries) will be the target of their anger. They DO lash out at us, even if we had nothing to do with their problem. Like you, in my case my W had suggested concern for herself, yet she had no problem sending the kids with me. If I was so "dangerous", how could she trust the kids with me? It can be constructed and contrived because they really want to believe that we are the bad people. It could be true, it could be false, but the onus is on us to check that and fix it if and as necessary.

From a personal opinion, I would agree that keeping direct, physical contact with your W until the 50B is expired is a really good idea.

You appear to be doing a good job considering how to expand your goals and objectives. Keep working on that. As you develop paths, check if they are parallels and keeping with who you want to be as a person, a step father, and a husband. Also keep in mind that we can always course correct as we move forward. In fact, it can be important to do so. Instead of blindly or stubbornly following a path that will end poorly. There doesn't have to be black and white goals. Just possibilities.

Thanks for the compliments on my posts. I do my best to always come from a place of good intention, in posting and in life. And yes, it appears my freight train is slowed, although I may need to do a course correction or two, soon or risk the train speeding up and away. I just needed to get stable myself and finally managed to get there about a year and a half after everything really began.

Your second last post above discusses further no contact and how you are feeling about what might be a futile effort.

You will go through ALL the stages of grief that are associated with traumatic events. There are resources on the internet you can find if you search for them. They don't necessarily happen in order, but they do happen. Work through them rather than stuffing them, as it is important for your growth.

Also, there is something important to note about detachment. Detachment doesn't mean we (have to) stop loving our spouses. It just means that we are less emotionally attached and therefore less reactive to triggers and our spouses hitting our buttons. Learn what your buttons are and work on removing them, because your W knows what they are and will hit them every time she feels like she needs to. The less you react, the more she will notice the change in you and the more she may begin to wonder if she really wants to leave the M.

Finally, regarding sweats... yeah, everyone who goes through trauma will have both emotional and physical reactions. You sweat, others can't breathe, or get insomnia, or alternatively are constantly tired and sleeping. Also, it took a while, but about a year into it, I finally started lucid dreaming. It was crazy. I hadn't had lucid dreaming for probably 15 years, and suddenly it started. It's since dropped off...

Again, understand these are just symptoms of the sitch and will eventually go away or will get better.

I have written a lot and will leave this post as is for you to read through.

I do want to touch later on the "grown woman" comment she made which includes her perception of being controlled. Just think about that for a bit...

[Broken74]

Thanks again Kaffe, you really are serving as a Godsend to me.

So got the first communication from wife since starting LRT, related to her car payment. Subject: Greetings From Kansas!!

"Ok, you are soo going to kill me!! I was going to drop you a check in the mail on Monday, but realized I left the house without any checks (my checkbook in my wallet was empty). Can I somehow transfer the money to you? Do you have a paypal account? I am really stressing over this and I hate that I am putting you in a bind. Tell me how I can get you the money...!"

I should have posted for feedback here before responding, but I think I did the right thing perhaps on the curt side. In a subject line reply response I simply stated "Just send me a check when you get back. Thanks! <eom>"

The old me would have groveled about how is her trip, how is she doing, is she ok, etc. etc. etc. So I'm considering this my first tangible 180 related to our comms since I started LRT.

Was I too short/not nice enough? My initial thoughts were going to be "Good grief if this is what you have to stress about you've got it made... or You hate that you are putting me a bind? How about the 30k of marital debt you stuck me with, or the 5 bedroom house that is underwater... And you are putting me in a bind because a $350 is a couple days late getting to me???? Please give me a break...

Hmmmmmm my face is extremely red right now time to take a mandatory time out.... :-)

[Broken74]

Wow, so now I sit here in full blown anxiety mode, thinking that I have screwed up again with the curt response... She hasn't responded to my response note, and I'm sure she's not going to, and then I have no idea when I will hear from her again.

And despite all of my best efforts I simply cannot make these feelings stop. Frustratingly gutwrenching does not even begin to fully describe how rough this all is. I was feeling a bit of self control and then pops up this note in my inbox...

Maybe I should send her another note and say I was in a meeting and rushed with a response and ask her how she's doing? Probably not though right, all she mentioned was related to the transaction so I certainly fully answered her question... I appreciate any and all of you folks insights and feel for each and every one of you...

[tested metal]

Relax... I don't think your response was curt at all. It was brief and to the point. Perfect. You even thanked her in the end.

Instead of anxiously fretting over what you could have done, take joy in what you didn't do. You didn't lecture or spew.

Good job!

[Broken74]

Thanks for this Tested, greatly appreciated. With an uninvolved opinion I am now confident in my response and my heart stopped racing. I am going to fully review your sitch tonight and will provide any insight that I can, our sitch's have some similarity and we separated at the same time... I can speak to the number that a significant weight loss will do to one's psyhce, that played a significant role in my first rodeo... God Bless and Godspeed my friend, thank you again :-)

[Oneeleven]

Broken, my sitch is totally different from yours but I think your response is perfectly fine.

She might be a little taken aback as it's a 180 and she probably was expecting more.

Let her wonder.

[~ kd ~]

I love the way you worked through that Broken.

Tested is right, you did a good job. And you really did a good job working through your anxiety attack.

I'm going to ask you to do something... an exercise...


Raise one of your hands as high up as you can.


Bend that arm at the elbow...


And give yourself a huge pat on the back...

Do the work and make it stick. It might get harder before it gets easier... but it DOES get easier... and it DOES get better...

[Broken74]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I really appreciate it. I am happy with the way I handled this, obviously she never responded to my note nor do I expect her to. I thought of some other things about my W that I have yet to report that are probably important.

Her childhood was really rough, her parents divorced at an early age, and her mother as I said has been married 6 times I think and really was never there for her/her sisters. She had significant issues with her stepmom, and her dad and stepmom's realationship was really messed up. She was effectively left to run wild as a child, and ended up getting beaten up violently on multiple occasions by the father of her first child - a "boyfriend" of sorts I guess at one time, who ended up knocking her up at 14 years old. She said she was "raped", I don't know in what sense of the word, but I surmise that it was "statuatory rape" versus she was physically held down and raped since this guy was her "boyfriend". I just never thought it a good idea to ask details about this. This guy is currently lockup up slated for release in 2021 I think for shooting somebody in the back during a robbery atttempt. I'm sure he'll eventually come looking for his son.

Now fast forward to her first marriage, her first husband was a total deadbeat, and in the end he started messing around with her step-sister and they are now engaged to be married. For some reason I never made it to the extended family holiday functions on her side... As her ex-husband is there! This loser has four children by three different women at this point (two by my wife, one by another woman, and one by my wife's step-sister), hasn't contibuted a dime one to his children aside from when he had them every other weekend, since I married her. Real Jerry Springer content here right? And I knew all of this going in, but I love this woman so much I still married and I still do and want her back!

So in summary, she has had a really messed up life, and aside from her children I certainly think I am the best thing that ever happened to her... I did things for her and took her places that she had only dreamed of. And in the end the thanks I get is getting put in Jail.

Man writing all of this down is very therapeutic, but at the same time I have to step back and say, dude really, what were you thinking??? As we all know love is a crazy, crazy thing...

Thanks again for you guys feedback and kind words it means a lot.