hi everyone! newbie here....could this be a MLC?

[25yearsmlc]

you can "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives" he does, and still work on your own issues and


DETACH...

The reason some LBSers focus on the issue of whether it's an MLC--imo-they sometimes think more pursuit is an option is bc/ they are misreading it.

IF and I say IF, someone is in a real MLC, their needs & approach will still be unique.

If they feel you are too critical, it does not matter if they're in MLC or a Walkaway...they think you're too critical,

so it's still Your own behavior you'd work on. Make sense?

When my h and I went to mc's, we saw a total of 4, the first 3 ALL told me various versions of "H is being selfish" "acting like a single man" "not putting his family first"...

while this validated my pain and perception, it did nothing FOR MY M...and h stopped going b/c he said the fact that I'm a L means I can "brainwash the mc's to agree w/"me...

so the content of what they said had no impact on him at all, as far as I could tell. Sure did not change his behavior.

So it made me feel "right, but powerless"....Gee, what am I to DO, if I'm right? Just keep on doing the same thing, right? (Wrong...)

Luckily I found DBing and realized

it's not about being right, it's about being happy.

and eventually I saw a new "Solution based" T who was a bit different (b/c I stressed the importance of the m to me, not at "all costs" but that I was willing to change a lot for it to work)

then

we worked on ME and MY stuff....I had more than I care to admit. Mostly anger at him for the injustice of it all.

(But finally I realized "hey, life is Not fair. Look at Africa..." -for real perspective)

and later on , as in YEARS later

when h finally met my IC, h worked SOME on his stuff (but h and I did not have a conflict as basic as whether to have children)

But A lot of his stuff just had to evolve as he went off on his "mission North" and experienced it for himself...and discovered that for him, living in a desirable place (to him it was desirable-not to me or the kids)

was not worth it if he had to live there without his wife and kids...

THEN and onl THEN did HE make some significant changes to get back into my heart and life.That took work and I wasn't being punitive - I had learned to like my life and didn't want to put more turmoil in the kids' lives or mine, than necessary. Not going to reconcile if it means going back to crazyland where h has one foot out the door all the time...no more eggshells and no more crazy temper (for either).


I had come to believe I truly would be happy, with or without h, and I think that inner feeling radiated outward around him...and I don't think he felt the same. I THINK he felt he was losing more than I was, and I am sure I felt that way.

I also felt sorry for his choices b/c I knew how much they'd cost him as a parent...but that too, is HIS work to do. All I can do is support him in his present efforts...and I do.

So focus on yourself. I'm not exactly in agreement with Bond about the 180s being subtle, but I guess it depends on what they are. I agree that overly dramatic gestures don't ring true b/c they're not authentic changes...they're dramatic gestures...

But If you are too clingy, BACK OFF as much as possible while still being pleasant and upbeat. Like you "get it"--he wants out-- but you're still a content woman. You're busy with other people

(and definitely do activities that involve others--not just knitting or other solo activities. You can have those for your quiet time but you need other people in your life so the need to obsess will decrease, and
you need to get your self esteem back and have some social needs met by others...NOT him...

so be a JOINER of clubs or groups and socialize...what can you join this week?

Focus on being a woman only a fool would leave.

What were you like when he fell in love with you?

and once again, let me ask this--what are you DOING that is new or different vis a vis how you interact with him?

You must not nag...

(btw there's an article in today's Wall St Journal on the "toxicity of nagging in a marriage"....interesting.)

If you make a point or request, let's say, twice, clearly, and he ignores it --ask yourself if it's really truly worth fighting about

or if you just want to get your way or "win"... I've been there, and done that.

Also if you feel compelled to talk and he's a quieter type, get out and exercise or call your peeps.

If you begin to lose sleep or not eat, see your doctor and get meds if you need them. There's no shame in it, believe me.

And if this is a true MLC at this young age, he's a candidate for more of them if he does not resolve ALL his crap soon...

So you risk a lot by staying with him, if having children is a priority for you and you want them raised in a two parent home.

Don't focus on what you fear you are losing so much so, that you forget he has his downsides too...now

Back to YOU & Your work!

((( )))