Thanks everyone! Let me clarify. I begged, pleaded, cried, manipulated, tried every tactic under the sun while I was at home for over a year straight which LED to the physical S. Now that we are physically in separate houses I do not pursue or ever mention the R at all. I am reading DR, using a coach, and have a SBT locally.
As far as GAL I joined a local card club. I quit drinking but the cards get me out on the nights that I do not have kids. I also am involved in the church more. I'm thinking about reactivating gym membership and going mountain biking again.
One thing that just happened just now at kid pick up she made a comment that came across that the separation was going to be long term. (suppose to be a trial to stop the vicious cycle) I just smiled and laughed went on my way with the kids. Nice 180 actually.
I truly wish I had DB, DR, and this forum before we had to physically separate. I would have done lots of things differently. Oh well I didn't.
The toughest parts are the things I mentioned earlier in this thread. After I say goodnight to my kids at night I don't hear a peep from her at all. She does do small things here and there that give me hope (or more like mixed messages)
I'm trying to detach the best I can but man that is tough. You're trying to let go of someone you love but love her from a distance. You're trying to cater (for the kids sake) to her but not smother her. Trying to trust she won't let some snake of guy slither in when she is vulnerable. Accepting that everything is out of my control accept my own actions is so obvious but so hard to do. I've always worried about things I have no control of. I know this is a 180 area I need to work on. I think lots of people do actually.
Anyways I appreciate all the feedback. I'm not pursuing, being pleasant, staying busy as I can, but every day is a struggle. Oh yeah the last thing I'm trying to break is talking to any family members about the situation.
Giant tip. Delete your FB account. It was liberating and eliminated 75% of my anxiety.
