It seems like you have it figured out intellectually, you just need to do it! It sounds like you have some good GAL activities figured out, have identified the 180's to work on, and have a plan for working on them.
If that's the case, time is your ally, there is no reason to rush anything right now. Take deep breaths and exercise to deal with the anxiety. If you can find a good support structure other than an IC that can help too -- someone you can call and talk to any time you need to, day or night. When I got really low and was tempted to pursue W, my support structure always saved the day. I'd spend 30 minutes on the phone with a friend and come away propped back up.
To your point, if "being cold" has been an issue, make an effort to be friendly. My DB coach talked about "the acquaintance standard" and "the friend standard". If you were dealing with a casual acquaintance, you know how to be polite, you know how to not come across as cold. Think of H as an acquaintance. Progressing from that, you can use the friend standard. The point with a friend is that you might invite them to dinner. If they come along, great, and if they decline, you don't really care, it's fine. That perspective takes pressure off the relationship -- there is no expectation that H will do anything. You'll each have opportunities to interact, either you'll take them, or you won't, but either way you're still friends.
Is there anything specific you'd like help with, or is the best thing the board can do right now is support you?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
i have a couple of questions. you referenced complaint about moderation. what are you referring to?
secondly, does your H acknowledge there is an OW? i'd like to share a thought on him texting and all that, but first it would be helpful to know this.
i like that you are trying out new things. bravo, bravo bravo. one thing you learn from this, and that i learned from this, is how to keep yourself doing things even when it's difficult. and remember the words of one of my favorite so called motivational speakers: "anything worth doing is worth doing badly" - because we are all bad at things when we first start doing them.
do you exercise at all? can you take some off the time in front of the TV and go out for walks? what concerns me about the time with H and the TV is that it's all part of a routine. and if the status quo got you to where you are, perhaps you want to be thoughtful about which parts of it you maintain.
the emotional roller coaster you're on? it's very difficult and very normal. i do think the cries are good - you're a very solid person when you can do this and work a DB program at the same time.
Accuracy - Yes, my brain works fine most days. Its my heart that's the issue. LOL I do have some support, but not someone I would feel comfortable calling day or night. I have some great friends, but they have their own families and I don't want to bring my drama into theirs. We haven't told the family yet, so I can't call any of them. (Well, I did tell my older half-sister, but she's really know help as she mentioned going to the range. LOL)
I really like the acquaintance & friend standard. That made me think more about our interactions. When I think about it like that, its low pressure. I just need to remind myself not to expect a a good reaction - or any reaction at all.
I think I just need the board for support. I tend to get very dramatic and caught up in the things that aren't working. I'm definitely more of a glass is half empty person. So if you guys can be there to talk me off the edge of the ledge occasionally, that should work.
Today's posts really helped put some things in perspective. Instead of talking about it, I need to be about it.
Onyourside - I was talking about the site moderation. I think I'm finally out of it, so my posts will show up when I submit them. It was taking my anxiety to level 42. LOL
My husband sort of acknowledged there was another woman. He never came out and said yes or no. He said it just happened when I asked him about it. And then I went off. LOL He told me he was feeling done in our marriage before this happened. But he still hasn't said what THIS is. I asked him if he accidentally fell in the bed, and he just gave me this look. From what I've able to gather from my snooping when I found out, I believe she said I love you (can't remember the exact email - he may have responded with the same), and he's written her poetry. He writes, and we fell in love over his letters and poetry, so this was yet another thing that killed me. There was a reference in one email to them being together in 2012. They are still in contact via cell phone because its in my name, and he always goes over the minutes and they send me a text message or email about it.
I also know he saw her the other weekend when he was out of town because I asked him and he said yes. I also asked if she knew he was married and he said yes. I asked if he had told her I said I wasn't giving up - he said yes. She's even friended my stepson on FB, which caused me to go through the roof when I found out. Funny thing is through my snooping before, I also think she has a BF (the father of her two kids). He still tells me he loves me and kisses me goodbye every morning (so its on the cheek now, but last week it was nothing). This whole thing is too bizarre for me.
I exercise but normally on my way home from work. Watching TV together used to be our thing until things got back and then we were in separate rooms alot. Any suggestions on things I can do by myself even if he's in the room would be great. Thought about getting a jigsaw puzzle to put together. I used to love those.
jigsaw puzzle it is! i still urge you to get out and take the occasional walk and break the claustrophobic atmosphere a bit. you might find even a 10 to 15 minute walk can really keep you on your game and allow you to collect your feelings and hold together.
and yes, why not do jigsaw puzzles?
ok - here's my thought on his texting and communication. and it's based on the premise that his relationship with the OW is essentially out in the open. you might say something like this: "H, at this point i have nothing to gain from trying to control or monitor who you communicate with. you have complete power to do what you want and i have to accept that. i also hope that you can understand that the thought of some of those communications can be hurtful to me. for that reason i would like to ask you to keep that in mind and be considerate about when and where you do this."
how does that sound to you? i can explain the rationale if you want, but it might also be self-explanatory.
It's the Land of Bazarro at my house. My husband came in this morning to kiss me goodbye. He's pretty much kept this up the whole time since he told me he wanted out, and since I've known about the affair. But - he's only kissed me on the cheek. Well this morning, it was a peck on the lips. Not reading anything into it, although my body did have an inward reaction. One of my Love Languages is physical touch, and after not ML for months on end, my body is starting to betray me. LOL
I did backslide a little and told him that I still loved him even if he doesn't love me in return. (I know, I know!) He then hugged me fiercely, said he loved me too, and left. He had this strange look on his face (somewhere between being perplexed and in pain). I asked him what the look was for. No answer. But he didn't get upset or anything. Not outwardly anyway.
So I know I shouldn't have said what I said, but GEEZ. I've been holding that in for days. Coming from where we used to hug and kiss all the time (granted it's been a while for that too), it's eating me alive that we aren't doing it now. It was as if I couldn't help myself.
I fell asleep for a couple of hours last night then woke up around 1am thinking just how stupid this whole thing is. He's on the couch and I'm in the bedroom. Neither one of us is asleep, but doesn't want the other person to know. He got up to use the restroom and turn out the lights, that's how I woke up. LOL
We laugh, we joke, we watch TV, then go to bed in separate rooms. SMH It's just too crazy to me! I know the issues are bigger than that, but last night I realized how we really let our marriage fall by the wayside, and literally waved as it fell over the cliff. And now, here we are. I'm cynical today.
No 2x4 needed. You're human and you demonstrated that. IMO a 2x4 is for someone who keeps getting the same advice over and over, keeps ignoring it and doing the same destructive things, then keeps posting on the board like they never got the advice in the first place and wonder why they keep getting the same bad reactions!
Your H's unexpected kiss is one of the peaks on the roller coaster. Know that tonight he may be cold and withdrawn. Often the WAS will "try on" being nice or affectionate to see how it feels. Then, they will fear you will interpret their actions to mean that everything is going to be OK and they'll retreat again. Expect this and don't let it bother you. Many folks on this board have lived through lots of hot and cold. It's part of the journey.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuracy - I am so not tall enough for this roller coaster. UGH!
I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to know I at least still deserved a kiss on the lips. Sad, huh? This whole thing has really done a number on my self-esteem.
I didn't interpret it to mean anything actually. Which I guess is a total 180 for me. If this had happened before, I would have been pursuing all day (calling and e-mailing him saying I love you, I want us to work, blah, blah, blah). None of that today!
