I have not posted before, I think, but have been following your sitch. I am sorry about your son's meltdown. My daughters are 4 and 3 and I have also seen them struggle since H left a year ago. It breaks my heart and fills me with anger towards H. When it happens I just hug them and remind them how much I love them and that I know they are sad. I even ask them if they miss H and if they admit it, I re-assure them that it's normal and that both H and I love them very much even if we're not together and that it's NOT their fault in any way.
Does H deserve that? I don't know and I don't care. I just want to make this the least traumatic for my little ones.
The worst part is that the few times I have shared this with H he either accuses me of trying to make him feel guilty or claims that I am lying. He says they are not struggling - they are always so happy with him (of course they are - HE is what they are missing!) I am in a no-win situation with H, so I simply don't even mention it to him anymore.
How do I deal with my anger? I remind myself that even though they are struggling, just like me, they will survive and thrive because I will be there for them. And I also remind myself that H is not there to see the destruction he is causing, but he is also not there to enjoy all the amazing moments and memories that I am building with our kids. HE is the one missing out!
Hang in there! I feel for you, really. It can and WILL get better because you will be there for them and standing strong!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I've been reading lots of posts before joying the boards. I too and going through the same as most.
I noticed my W making a change in her life about this time last year. Going out with co-workers every weekend. At first it was no big deal by April it really started to tick me off and threw up a red flag. That's when she broke down and stated she had been unhappy for years. Which was a surprise to me, her family, and my family. None of us would have guessed this in a million years we were the perfect family.
Once she stated her feelings I did the common stuff begging, pleeding, etc. of course that just make things worse. In early May I went to the library and fond Michelle's book and was glued to it. I realized I failed in the little things in our marriage and took my W for granted.
I decided to do the 180 and she noticed the change I thought my actions would rub off. She took notice but things got worse. She couldn't bear to be around me. She went to an extended stay motel for 2 weeks and came back home. After about 6 weeks later she decided to half hearted go to counseling the counslor recommended a separation of a month. At this time my W said D was the last thing on her mind. So I moved into a motel for the month and only seeing my son briefly during that month. Towards the end of the month while I picked up my son she gives me a letter stating she was done with our M and wanted a D.
I'm like what the hell? Where did that come from? D is the last thing on my mind to now I want one. W was finished with C and I moved back in for about a month and she gives me 10 days notice that she has placed a deposit on an apartment and was moving out.
The only problem was my name is the only one on the mortgage and now im months behind. She signed a 6 month lease and only part of her family knows about her move? We still do some family functions together which is living a lie? She seems to be happy living on her own. I plan on her signing another lease as I wonder what to do with the house. UGH!
We get along fine. Neither one of us brings up what's going on with our R. I continue to keep my head up. Some days are better than others it's been 4 months since she has left. I honestly don't believe she is even seeing anyone else either. Sometimes I wish that were the case just to have some closure.
I feel she is battling depression and at the same time going through a MLC. Lucky me ......I also seem to think some of this stems from just meeting her father for the first time 4 years ago.
I pray daily that things will work out for me my son and for my M. I know if she goes through with a D she will regret it for the rest of her life. I wish I could help her but it appears she will have to figure it out on her own. I'm planning on a long journey ahead. The house my credit everything will be destroyed through the process which brings added pressure. At the end of the day if I can regain my family it will be worth it.
I have definatley changed for the better as a person I just hope my W comes to her senses so she can enjoy the best of me too.
I try to hug and kiss the kids whenever i get the chance. I tell them I love them so so so much! A million gazillion trillion as S5 would put it.
H is really missing out. In the past, I would always be the one to remind him to call so and so.. Oh, she got engaged, maybe you should send her an email... Now I see H pulling away further.. He use to txt everyday but that has stopped. I think about the fact that one day, he will look back and see all that he's missed and regret the time he's missed w/ them. But it's not my job to worry about that.. And yet I do.
I responded to H's email saying that the finances had me stressed for quite some time now. I realized now it put a strain on our relationship and in hindsight I wished we had dealt with it sooner.
In his email he said he wanted good things for the kids and was worried about their well being. I chose not to mention S's meltdown. Figured he would think I was trying to guilt him. I just said, "as for the kids well being, I don't feel there is anything to say. I love them. I know you do too.". Then I finished response by saying friday didn't work for me as it is family literacy day at school and so I will be there (he was hoping to speak w/ bank on fri)
I didn't sign it love.. Or take care.. Or anything else. Simply an initial.
I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore. It's still hard to believe that I'm here.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
A little bit better.. A little bit stronger.. I still haven't done too much today but I laughed and danced w/ D2 and cuddled w/ S5. I also managed to eat a normal meal. Laughed over coffee w/ a gf who came to visit my kids and I...
I think seeing S and D have their moments of sadness made me angry w/ H. They are so beautiful!! Who in their right mind would leave these 2 little beings?? But that's not my choice. It's H's.
As for M.. I have been keeping as dark as possible. No facebook updates.. No txt'ing H or sharing funny photos or stories.. I've really just addressed things in the email that have been imminent. Otherwise, I am giving him and myself some much needed space. I learning to let go of my need to control an fix every situation. Such a difficult thing as it would be so much easier if I always knew exactly what was going to happen .
H sent another email mentioning some details about paperwork.. Then asked what happens on family literacy day.. And also that he forgot to sign some form for S on fridge. I'm not sure whether I answer this as I have already emailed him telling him to check joint email for newsletters about school stuff. Isn't that part of being independant and standing up on your own? Isn't me telling him all these details exactly what he didn't want? That he felt he couldn't figure all this out on his own? I think I'll just leave the email for now. That will be another 180 if I don't answer.
I don't know. I don't quite feel like it's over. I think some time and space may do us wonders. But i am beginning to accept that I can not control H and his decisions. Just my own.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
baby steps in the right direction.... so happy to hear you find a little conviction:
" But i am beginning to accept that I can not control H and his decisions. Just my own."
I think it's a good idea not to respond, since that's what you would normally do. (Our H's are similar. I mean they even wanted to talk about papers today! lol) they didn't like the controlling aspects of us, but then they expect us to take care of things or remind them to do something.... it's frustrating! I want to look mine in the eye and say: "You told me you hated it that I "nagged" you about reminders.... and now you're mad at me because I didn't remind you of _________... can't have it both ways!! You're a grown man, act like it!"
I'm super glad that you had a laugh today!! It's good that you can still find humor in small moments during a day that's filled with cr@p.... keep focusing on *those* instances!
You WILL make it out of this, especially if you can create more days like this one
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I've been reading lots of posts before joying the boards. I too and going through the same as most.
I noticed my W making a change in her life about this time last year. Going out with co-workers every weekend. At first it was no big deal by April it really started to tick me off and threw up a red flag. That's when she broke down and stated she had been unhappy for years. Which was a surprise to me, her family, and my family. None of us would have guessed this in a million years we were the perfect family.
Once she stated her feelings I did the common stuff begging, pleeding, etc. of course that just make things worse. In early May I went to the library and fond Michelle's book and was glued to it. I realized I failed in the little things in our marriage and took my W for granted.
I decided to do the 180 and she noticed the change I thought my actions would rub off. She took notice but things got worse. She couldn't bear to be around me. She went to an extended stay motel for 2 weeks and came back home. After about 6 weeks later she decided to half hearted go to counseling the counslor recommended a separation of a month. At this time my W said D was the last thing on her mind. So I moved into a motel for the month and only seeing my son briefly during that month. Towards the end of the month while I picked up my son she gives me a letter stating she was done with our M and wanted a D.
I'm like what the hell? Where did that come from? D is the last thing on my mind to now I want one. W was finished with C and I moved back in for about a month and she gives me 10 days notice that she has placed a deposit on an apartment and was moving out.
The only problem was my name is the only one on the mortgage and now im months behind. She signed a 6 month lease and only part of her family knows about her move? We still do some family functions together which is living a lie? She seems to be happy living on her own. I plan on her signing another lease as I wonder what to do with the house. UGH!
We get along fine. Neither one of us brings up what's going on with our R. I continue to keep my head up. Some days are better than others it's been 4 months since she has left. I honestly don't believe she is even seeing anyone else either. Sometimes I wish that were the case just to have some closure.
I feel she is battling depression and at the same time going through a MLC. Lucky me ......I also seem to think some of this stems from just meeting her father for the first time 4 years ago.
I pray daily that things will work out for me my son and for my M. I know if she goes through with a D she will regret it for the rest of her life. I wish I could help her but it appears she will have to figure it out on her own. I'm planning on a long journey ahead. The house my credit everything will be destroyed through the process which brings added pressure. At the end of the day if I can regain my family it will be worth it.
I have definatley changed for the better as a person I just hope my W comes to her senses so she can enjoy the best of me too.
Dear Danz
like you, I posted on other people's thread the first time I came here...actually about the first 5 times I came here.
So if you can do what I did with your post -push the "quote" option and repaste this, on a new thread of your own, then you will get responses to YOUR situation...
and we can avoid "hijacking" Barefloating's thread...
put your screen name in the title so we know and put it in newcomers' forum...
and we'll find you. You will not see your posts at first for a bit b/c you will be moderated (or maybe you are already past that since you posted here)
but you'll get your own feedback then...for your circumstances.
hang in there...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow! How did I totally miss danz's post?? Maybe I'm the one that's been abducted by aliens! Sorry Danz.. Wasn't ignoring your post. I only noticed it w/ 25's post.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I've been reading lots of posts before joying the boards. I too and going through the same as most.
I noticed my W making a change in her life about this time last year. Going out with co-workers every weekend. At first it was no big deal by April it really started to tick me off and threw up a red flag. That's when she broke down and stated she had been unhappy for years. Which was a surprise to me, her family, and my family. None of us would have guessed this in a million years we were the perfect family.
Once she stated her feelings I did the common stuff begging, pleeding, etc. of course that just make things worse. In early May I went to the library and fond Michelle's book and was glued to it. I realized I failed in the little things in our marriage and took my W for granted.
I decided to do the 180 and she noticed the change I thought my actions would rub off. She took notice but things got worse. She couldn't bear to be around me. She went to an extended stay motel for 2 weeks and came back home. After about 6 weeks later she decided to half hearted go to counseling the counslor recommended a separation of a month. At this time my W said D was the last thing on her mind. So I moved into a motel for the month and only seeing my son briefly during that month. Towards the end of the month while I picked up my son she gives me a letter stating she was done with our M and wanted a D.
I'm like what the hell? Where did that come from? D is the last thing on my mind to now I want one. W was finished with C and I moved back in for about a month and she gives me 10 days notice that she has placed a deposit on an apartment and was moving out.
The only problem was my name is the only one on the mortgage and now im months behind. She signed a 6 month lease and only part of her family knows about her move? We still do some family functions together which is living a lie? She seems to be happy living on her own. I plan on her signing another lease as I wonder what to do with the house. UGH!
We get along fine. Neither one of us brings up what's going on with our R. I continue to keep my head up. Some days are better than others it's been 4 months since she has left. I honestly don't believe she is even seeing anyone else either. Sometimes I wish that were the case just to have some closure.
I feel she is battling depression and at the same time going through a MLC. Lucky me ......I also seem to think some of this stems from just meeting her father for the first time 4 years ago.
I pray daily that things will work out for me my son and for my M. I know if she goes through with a D she will regret it for the rest of her life. I wish I could help her but it appears she will have to figure it out on her own. I'm planning on a long journey ahead. The house my credit everything will be destroyed through the process which brings added pressure. At the end of the day if I can regain my family it will be worth it.
I have definatley changed for the better as a person I just hope my W comes to her senses so she can enjoy the best of me too.
WOW I really didn't realize how common this is until now. Anyone have any thoughts of how I should handle things?
Watching my daughter play at a play centre. trying to get to a semblance of normal. i'm managing to get out of the house. the panic and anxiety are still there at times but subsiding which i think is the ADs finally kicking in.
I responded to H's last email simply w/ a question asking about the interest rate he was quoted by the bank (for mortgage renewal). he emailed back talking about kids and hoping they were good. quoted me the interest rate.. and wanted to know if i wanted him to look at additional options. i'm guessing he's trying to be all friendly but i'm just not that interested in being his bff.
i'm trying to be as dark as possible mainly for my own well-being. i'm angry when i see my daughter get sad when she hears her cousin speaking about her daddy and my daughter wondering where hers is. i so want to be done with this emotional roller coaster!
my MIL is moving to the US at the end of the month. she finally sent me an email saying she's been thinking a lot about me and wants to come see me. i'm not quite sure what i want to do at this point. i would like to see her (as she's been a part of my life for 12 yrs!) but not sure if it's the best thing to do.
anyone have any suggestions?
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I don't know of the relationship you've had with MIL, but being able to communicate with mine has been a great help. I think that you need to ask yourself which reason do you want to see her: 1. Because she's the grandmother and you want the kids to see her. 2. She'll become an advocate for you against H. 3. She'll have some insight into H's mind and be able to help you. 4. She's always been a good friend and you just enjoy her company. After my bomb, I was guilty of turning to my MIL for reason's 2 and 3...In fact, *I* was the one that told her H dropped the bomb! She knew we were separated and working on it, but she was caught off guard about the bomb. (My H doesn't talk to her about us anymore because in october, he was sharing with her why he felt he needed to leave, and she told him that she originally thought that he had cheated on me. H was so insulted that his own mom could think that of him, so he cut off talking to her for 2 months. Now, they only talk about the kids.... but it's interesting to note that maybe his mom knew something at that time that H wasn't ready to admit/accept- because of course we all know that he's been interested in my BFF for some time.) I was also the one to tell MIL about OW- and she flew back at H! He called me and asked what I said to her and that he didn't want anyone to know (so his embarrassed/ashamed??)
Sorry for my personal tangent..... Anyways, Now I talk to MIL for 1 and 4. It's important that you're honest with yourself about your motivations so your H doesn't feel like you're trying to get his family against him.
Ok, enough about that!
SOoooooo proud of you for getting out of the house with the kids. I'm glad to see that you AD are helping with the panic attacks- they can be so debilitating and don't allow you to even try to GAL.
I think that going dark to protect yourself is the right motivation. As opposed to if you were doing it to get him to show an interest. Only you know what you need to do cope and be able to take care of your emotions- and you're doing it [HOW do you go dark with kids? I want to go dim/dark- but not sure what that looks like with kids in the picture]
I'm encouraged to see you start coming out of the depression/panic fog. For me, that low place is always just under the surface- but I try to pile on laughing kids, funny movies, relaxing showers and reading/posting here- on top of it so it can stay put away a little bit longer. Don't be hard on yourself if/when it creeps back up, (as bklyn told me:) This is the hardest thing to go through, crying is perfectly acceptable.
((((BF))))
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
. 