Hello All, not sure if I am doing this correctly as I am not much of a computer person but I have attempted to post a link to my previous thread here. There you will find my LBH story and, thanks to a lot of caring members of this forum, much great advice and feedback.
Here is the latest: Boss offered me the promotion. W was very enthusiastic and questioned my lack of enthusiasm when I told her about it. I backslid and said I was very happy for making it happen and it was great for me professionally, but it was also bittersweet because our family is in turmoil and we couldn't celebrate it as H & W. (This should've been one of the biggest days of my life! FYI, Boss doesn't know W has filed. Not sure if that will make any impact on the things when he finds out.) W asked for some time last week to think about things in advance of going to court in two weeks for our temporary arrangements hearing. She said that I had given her a lot to think about when discussing the promotion.
We talked last night and she told me she believes she is divorcing the man I was and not the man I am. She believes I have changed into a better husband and father. She said that had I acted the way I am acting now 12 months ago, she would not have filed. She believes my changes are not too little but too late. She says that if I really loved her that I would have made the changes earlier and not disappointed her so many times and that it wouldn't have taken filing for D to wake me up. She is not interested in marital counseling. She says there is no OM. She says she doesn't have the same feelings for me as a husband. She says she doesn't want to lose any more of her life to a bad M and does not want to take a chance on me. She doesn't want to delay the D.
Many seasoned members of the forum have advised not to believe what you hear from a WAW and less than half of what you see. To me it's very confusing because W, on her own, is bringing up my changes and saying that she wouldn't have filed 12 months ago against the man I am now and that I am showing her love by acting the way I am acting, but she is still going forward with the D even though I am not that man. I am going to continue with my 180s for me but, truth be told, I feel like I am losing hope that we can avoid D and that makes me very, very sad.
I know how u feel continue working on you. Looks like she is noticing and don't let her words get you off track. Let those words wash over you. Congrats on the promotion!!!
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick, thank you as always, my friend. She is noticing and that is great. There simply does not seem to be much movement in terms of her actions as a result. When she does talk to me about the R she gets mad without getting angry, if you know what I mean. She says she is not holding grudges but brings up my past marital failures in every R conversation. I validate like crazy when she does but, IMO, she never moves beyond the disappointments to the new man sitting directly in front of her. It's as if she sees me but doesn't want to look at me. It's such a challenge, especially with the clock ticking on the temporary arrangements hearing. Thanks again for all your thoughts.
At least yours acknowledges your changes and talks. Mine looks at me as if she has never seen me before. So don't lose hope and I know about the clock ticking our court date is in March. Remember this, you are in this because you have chosen to work on you in hope of saving your M. So keep at it and be proud about what you are doing
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick, thanks again. It's great to have my W acknowledging my efforts. On the other hand, she seems very much committed to the idea that what I am doing is "too late." (At least she has dropped the "too little" part recently, which I take as a plus.) What I find the most challenging is that she says she sees the changes but she does not want to give the changed man another chance because she does not want to risk that he will return to the man he was. When I ask to delay the D process to give us some time to explore the R with who we both are now she says no, which is consistent with her statement that she is Ding the man I was not the man I am. She also says that she does not want to lose any more of her life to a bad M but admits that things between us have never been better. Finally, she says she wants to continue with the D process but is still thinking things over. It's very confusing and I'm not sure I'll ever understand why she won't give the new me another shot.
I know how you feel. My H has acknowledged my changes but it doesnt matter cause its too late.
The following is as much to myself as it is to you. We need to be patient. What we are doing is working they have seen the changes. They are afraid. They are terrified. It took them so much effort to get the strength to leave they dont want to do this again.
They need to believe that the changes are real. Keep it up!
I know that they are committed to this never working but they are just trying to convince themselves of that so they can justify what they are doing to the kids
I find it hard to believe that a mother would choose to be a single mom of 3, when her H has committed to be a better father & husband and also just got a promotion. Come on!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
"The following is as much to myself as it is to you. We need to be patient. What we are doing is working they have seen the changes. They are afraid. They are terrified. It took them so much effort to get the strength to leave they dont want to do this again"
Ditto^^^^^. Bklyn, you know my sitch is similar to yours, James, you have the female version of our Hs.
It's like, as much effort as we are putting into *our* changes and choosing to DB for ourselves..... The WAS is putting that same amount of effort into *their* choice to walk away.
I can't speak for them, but I imagine they look/analyze/scrutinize every word and interaction that we have with them- trying to find things to justify their decision.... on the other hand, the LBS looks/analyze/scrutinizes every interaction looking for a 'softening' from them.
It's a bad game of emotional tug-o-war.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Thank you for your words and encouragement, BM. Keeping up the changes in the face of continuing ambivalence is so tough. I think you are absolutely correct about my situation: my W told me that she had been thinking about D for several years. Now that she has filed I truly believe (and I thank Sandi for this insight) that my W believes that if she withdraws or delays the D process that she will not have the strength to refile/resume in the future. I wish I knew how to get her beyond the fear of an expectation of failure, which is based on who I was, by getting her to focus on the successful changes. For me, going after the promotion was a LRT because of the change it will bring and because the man I was wouldn't have gone for the promotion. The man I am not only went for it but got it. I only wish she would see that.
Very well put, Purg. Too often I find myself interpreting my W's actions or words in an optimistic or overly hopeful way. In my case, my confusion is largely rooted in her saying that she is continuing to think about things and weigh things, while at the same time saying that she does not want to stop the D process. Why not simply say, I'm Ding you and there's nothing you can do about it and leave it at that? Why even leave room for interpretation. I am guessing that the reason (thank you, once again, to Sandi) is that the LBS we have become is inconsistent with the person the WAS thought he/she was Ding and that creating difficulties for the WAS. Giving them something to think about is yet another reason to keep up the changes no matter how trying it is.
Update: Have had more engery lately but still have very down moments. Started to accept and to live as if I am going to be a single dad. I still want to reconcile with my W but it's becoming more obvious that my W is committed to the D. Hurts a lot but I think it would hurt more to continue living in a one-sided R. Interestingly, W and I went out to dinner last night. Had a nice time. I didn't talk about the R at all. At the end of the dinner W asked if I wanted to discuss anything personal and I said no, but you are welcome to if you want. She said I thought you would and I said no again. Later when we were driving home she talked about co-parenting and the importance to the kids of parents getting along during the D process. I didn't say much. After we got home and got the kids settled she left the house for about 45 minutes to go to get a coffee. Not much said when she got home. Got a thank you e-mail this morning.
We go to court next week for the temporary-arrangments hearing. She is asking for full custody and I am asking for shared custody. IMO, what happens at the hearing will shape our R for the next several months. The ride continues . . .
