Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

Thanks, Pur I'm almost through your 3rd thread, btw. You were on my mind often this past weekend.

I was a damsel in distress our entire relationship. He has made comments that make me think he doesn't think I can take care of myself. When he invited himself to the grocery store with S and I last Friday, he made a comment about me not having enough money and that I'd put more in the basket than I could afford. He's been making little controlling comments. It's like he's smtelling me that I'm going to fail without him I will NOT fail.

[purgatory]

LOL- thanks for trying to catch up on my threads.... they are LONG, sorry. You were on my mind too- it's crazy how someone I've never met, has been a great comfort and someone that I genuinely have concern for

I don't know about you- but when someone tells me that I *can't or won't* do something.... I'm become MORE motivated to do it!! My H used to tell me that I become a stubborn bull when I really put my mind to something. He would say: "There is no one or nothing that can stop you when you are determined, You are a force to be reckoned with!" He used to say it as a positive quality.... I challenged him a few months ago in our MC session with that same statement. I said: "if you say that I will never give up until I get what I want, why do you think my determination for my marriage is any different?!" He didn't have a response to that! But, we see how good it's worked so far

I recently told my H that I'm going to go skydiving in a few months... he was shocked and said: "I'll believe it when I see it!".... well, guess what I'm going to do!!! [btw, I wanted to do something empowering to make me proud of myself, I can't run a marathon because of my heart, but I CAN do skydiving!]

You should find something that J would never think you would/could ever do and become a master at it! Show him that you are no longer a damsel in need of rescuing!

[Jenna333]

Too bad you're across the country from me! I'm in NV.

It's funny, because J always thought the same thing about me. It's always been true on the inside. But I lived with severe anxiety since I was a child. I have always been strong and capable deep down, but lived my life in fear. It's HUGE that I'm enrolled in a career path, have a job lined up, have an apartment lined up. I'm letting out the girl that I held down my entire life. I think J, though he can't deny my changes, is having a hard time believing that I don't need him for certain things. I did for almost 9 years, after all. I don't think he ever thought I'd do any of this.

Skydiving?! You are nuts! Ha! Hope you have a blast. I can see that as being symbolic This does feel like free falling, in a way, but you can also control yourself in this.

[Jenna333]

He dropped off S about 30 minutes ago. We were cordial. He noticed that I have a cold sore (ugh) and made a comment about how that won't be good for my 'going out' life, or something like that. All I said was that nobody noticed (that's because it's worse today) and he said, "That's because they were probably too busy looking at your eyes...or something else." I told him that wasn't necessary to say. He asked me if I lost more weight. Nope, I've actually gained a couple pounds since starting night school and eating later. I didn't mention that, though. I caught him staring at me with longing a few times. I'm wearing a cute outfit today. Maybe that's why Or he's reaching his dry spell limit again. I will NOT be filling those needs anymore.

He'll be back to get S after class in a couple of hours. Then we're going to family services again to figure out mediation.

[Jenna333]

O...M...G. Update...

We stupidly went in the same car to the court house and to get D from school. I was feeling strong and like I was not in danger of crossing boundaries at all. Well, of course, since we were around each other for an extended period of time, he brought up the relationship. I didn't want to talk about it. I was firm on that. It FREAKED him out. He asked me if I've kissed anyone. I told him I'm not answering and that we said we wouldn't talk about our personal lives anymore. He freaked! He said he can tell by my demeanor that I'm moving on and that I've slept with someone. When we got back to the house to pack more clothes for the kids, he grabbed my phone from my purse! He was pissed that I wouldn't give him answers about my personal life. He said, "Tell me or I'm going through your phone." I ripped my phone from his hand and told him to get out. He followed me and started crying and begging me to put him out of his misery and just tell him that I've slept with someone. I didn't. I stood firm and told him it wasn't his business and that when he left me he lost the privilege to know what I did with my life. He continued to follow me and cry and beg. He said he didn't expect me to move on before him. He said he's still in love with me. He said, "You want to know what I did all last night? I lay in bed and thought of you all night, missing you." I wasn't reacting much. He was just a puddle on the floor. He kept saying he didn't expect to feel this way, that a part of him wants us to be together but he's scared we would revert back to how we were. He said I'm turning into the girl he always wanted, "and it's becoming more and more appealing by the day." It was just craziness! He said he needs to find a way to let me go because this hurts too much.

Bottom line, he still doesn't know what he wants, so I don't want to hear it. I told him just that. I told him if he still doesn't want to try to make things work with me to keep it to himself. He asked me for a hug and I wouldn't hug him. He's finally seeing what it's like to lose me. He said it's so much harder than he ever thought it would be.

He called me when I was driving to school and apologized for grabbing my phone and asking those questions. He said he won't push/break boundaries anymore.

Wow! What should I do?

[Sad_but_happy]

Continue to stay strong and act "as if".

Always friendly, and the road home always paved...

Making him realize that you WILL move on.

Not because you're faking it or because you you need him back.

But because you actually WILL move on!

Remember, this is not a game. This IS you. The new stronger you!

Great work Jenna!

[purgatory]

GOOD JOB!!!!

I'm so impressed that you stood your ground, and didn't cross your boundaries (that must have been a challenge)

I know that I would give anything to hear those words from my H.... you've inspired me to see that truly acting 'as if' can work, Now if only I can *do* it.

Keep becoming the best you possible!!!

[Jenna333]

I don't know what to think! As soon as he realized that I didn't want to talk about the R and that I was firm with my boundaries, he automatically assumed that I was sleeping with someone else. I didn't confirm nor deny it because 1, it is not his business, and 2, if he doesn't wake up and come home, me being with others WILL happen someday. It was such a change to have HIM follow me around and beg ME for answers. He said he worried that he made a mistake by leaving. He told me he misses a lot about our R, but that there's a lot he doesn't miss. I said same here! I said I don't want the old R back either.

BUT he is not home. What does that say? He said he needed to know the answer in order to move on. I told him that I have learned through this process that answers don't help you to move on. That's relying on someone else. You need to rely on yoursself.

[Jenna333]

He dropped the kids off a little bit ago. I was lying in bed with the blankets pulled over my head. He walked right in here, dropped a McD's bag down and told me to enjoy my breakfast. He does not respect boundaries at all! He is NOT liking having lost the control. I was half awake or I would have reminded him that he isn't to come up here.

We won't see him again until Sat morning.

[MrBond]

Great job! Keep it up.