Opening Up

[25yearsmlc]

I read your thread....you say a lot about her flaws...I mean, A LOT....

what are you working on in YOURSELF? B/C frankly, her flaws don't sound so wacky to me, though I'm not a smoker and 2nd hand smoke is a problem so I'd expect them to do it outside so I wouldn't have to experience it.

You sound uber repressed and judgemental. And not all that fun. Like you said, the friends at the pub like HER...you make light of your flaws as if they are merely traits, whereas her traits are "flaws" in your eyes.

Are you saying you won't have sex with her until she's more "perfect"? You are so obtuse and vague I cannot get at the real problem you have sexually.

You dont' find her attractive or what? Do you have performance issues that can benefit from medication? Sorry to be so blunt, but what exactly are you dancing around?

You've been married for 18 years....have sex, or decide not to..but it's a choice that has to be made by both.

Or the marriage itself has a major flaw.

Here's a tip. YOU will be happier when you accept others as they are. It really is a perception problem b/c ALL of us are flawed, even you...here's a post from the past that MIGHT help you

since you are now going to church...

Seeing our spouse through HIS eyes...


There comes a time in every marriage when each spouse sees the other in stark reality. No cover up, or make up. Just clarity, without the passion of the "new", and each sees the other totally naked, with all their flaws, weaknesses, qualities, mistakes, strengths, quirks, warts and all. And in that moment they make a choice.

They may reject their spouse as simply too flawed. No faults of weight or significance are allowed, maybe a few minor ones. Those spouses leave the m.

Others choose to stay, BUT only to make the other one cave in to their will, they nag, cajole, undermine, criticize, to "be proven RIGHT," vindicated…which actually never happens so they are never content, until one of them finally dies...

Some spouses choose to stay BUT they sigh or snicker for their whole lives, rolling their eyes in the long suffering manner of the martyrs they see themselves as. And then, there are others.

There are those who see the realities of their spouse, along with their own many faults in stark light too. Somehow they see it all and yet, still, they choose to stay and to love.

They choose to focus on the good, and to compliment it, and strongly favor it.

As for the bad, and the not so good, they learn to compensate, overlook, accept, or work around....they try hard reach their goal; i.e., to see their spouses as God sees them. Through His eyes...

No, I don't think this means we accept what is truly UNacceptable. God did not put us here to make us miserable. We are not here to be doormats.

But still, we have a goal and I think that the goal of marital love is to learn to see someone for all of who they really are, including their histories and pain, through His eyes.

That does not always mean one stays married to a spouse. But it sure helps. And I certainly don't think we'll be able to do this 24/7. Not by a long shot.

And while it may lead to fully bonding, heart mind body and soul, there will always be a separateness - for we are two individuals. We are not physically bonded like Siamese twins.

We're different. And that's okay.