I have posted a few times before, but due to my newbie status, my posts have taken a while to show up such that I have received very few responses.
Quick background on my situation. I am 32, W is 29. Bomb dropped in July 2011 and she moved out in August 2011. We don't have kids. I found out about OM in September and brought it up to her. I didn't know who it was though. She has denied it, but I had phone records that showed otherwise. I decided to use DB principles of not bringing it up and I think she thinks I believed her. She is very conscious of what friends would think of her and now she is about to file and get court date set up for two weeks later (i.e., rushing). Since we don't have kids, there is really no reason for us to interact and for me to show her my changes.
I did a little snooping (reverse phone lookup) and found out that the OM is a director at her work who just got D'd last year.
I think she is being a coward and trying to rush so she can move on and make it seem like her and OM just met to everyone else. I think if she knew I knew, then there isn't as much of an incentive to rush. I wouldn't shame her, but I just want her to admit what I know as the truth. I know this isn't detaching, but I feel like she thinks she's getting away scott-free, when I actually know the truth.
Alternatively, would anyone advise confronting OM with a phone call and talking to him man to man? I know this would really tick off W, but should I care at this point if there is a chance of him backing off? I feel like it is my last chance since I can't really do much else.
Also, if anyone has any tips on delaying a D while trying to still show positive changes, I'd be interested in hearing them.
I have posted a few times before, but due to my newbie status, my posts have taken a while to show up such that I have received very few responses.
Quick background on my situation. I am 32, W is 29. Bomb dropped in July 2011 and she moved out in August 2011. We don't have kids. I found out about OM in September and brought it up to her. I didn't know who it was though. She has denied it, but I had phone records that showed otherwise. I decided to use DB principles of not bringing it up and I think she thinks I believed her. She is very conscious of what friends would think of her and now she is about to file and get court date set up for two weeks later (i.e., rushing). Since we don't have kids, there is really no reason for us to interact and for me to show her my changes.
I did a little snooping (reverse phone lookup) and found out that the OM is a director at her work who just got D'd last year.
I think she is being a coward and trying to rush so she can move on and make it seem like her and OM just met to everyone else. I think if she knew I knew, then there isn't as much of an incentive to rush. I wouldn't shame her, but I just want her to admit what I know as the truth. I know this isn't detaching, but I feel like she thinks she's getting away scott-free, when I actually know the truth.
Alternatively, would anyone advise confronting OM with a phone call and talking to him man to man? I know this would really tick off W, but should I care at this point if there is a chance of him backing off? I feel like it is my last chance since I can't really do much else.
Also, if anyone has any tips on delaying a D while trying to still show positive changes, I'd be interested in hearing them.
Thank you for any advice that you can provide!
Not sure if I am doing this right but here is a link to your initial post so people can have more background on your sitch.
I'm sorry about your situation BL but you are not alone. I would not confront the OM, that will likely just unify the two of them to push against you even further.
If you have been on the boards I'm sure you have seen 25's posts and her tag line is "Be right or be happy". What are you hoping to accomplish by getting your wife to admit? Her remorse? The OM is a symptom of your m, not the cause of your current sitch. In your w's mind she may blame YOU for pushing her to the OM. It sounds like you want to punish her and that is not going to help you towards your long term goal of a R, which is what I'm assuming you want.
She moved out in Aug, what have you been doing for yourself since then? GAL activities? 180's? Are you working on you?
Thank you for the insight SAIS, and for posting my original thread Oneeleven. I suppose the name that I set up for myself initially gives you some insight on how I perceived my situation at the beginning. I have since realized it wasn't "BadLuck" that got me to this point, but me ignoring the signs of unhappiness.
I have been engaging in GAL activities such as going to the gym more often, hanging out with friends and family. I feel a little bad for W, since all of our college friends whom we used to hang out with don't really call her anymore since I was closer to them.
My 180s include: Not pursuing (I did a lot of this early on) and being calm and soothing (she thought I had an anger issue previously).
My issue is that since we don't have any kids, it is very hard to show her my changes, so early on I would pursue to ask her to meet up for coffee or find some excuse to talk about paperwork to see if she'd notice my changes. She lives only a few blocks from me (I live in an urban area) in another apt. building. and have only run into her twice and just exchanged brief pleasantries, nothing more.
I completely understand 25's posts, and have been reading a lot of people's situations (including yours) to get pointers, but without kids I almost feel like I need to pursue to some extent, otherwise this process will just move forward and I will be D'd in a month. If I try to stall, W accuses me of delaying, but I am only trying to buy time so I can have enough opportunities to show changes.
Regarding "be right or be happy", the only reason I would want to bring up OM is that throughout this whole process, while I know that I have contributed to pushing her to this and that she is not the type of person that I ever thought would go to an OM (not that anyone would think their W is), I just felt like maybe bringing up that I would know who it is might shake things up a bit for her slightly throwing a wrench into her fog of just thinking that she can pretend she just met him and they started dating, and force her to actually open up about what led her to this so that I can then validate and listen. In fact, what bothers me most is she talks about a couple friends that may help set her up after this is done as if there is no OM.
As it stands, she still brings up things I didn't do (help with cooking, help fold laundry, etc.), and while I recognize this, I feel like we are just ignoring an 800 lb. elephant which, when out in the open, might help put us on the path to some closure one way or another.
I certainly don't aim to just "be right", but as a last resort (outside of the DR LRT), I am wondering if just bringing this up in a way that I take responsibility (certainly not to shame or throw in her face), might help lift a weight off of what she is hiding and may break up the current trajectory.
Also, if anyone has any thoughts on how I can show changes as we have no reason to see each other (i.e., kids) without pursuing, I would be greatly appreciative.
How long have you been on the LRT? I feel your pain man, our sitch's have a few similarities. I too am in the midst of LRT, separated since September, and we have no kids together, although she has 3 children of her own, there are few reasons for us to interact. I am new here so I don't have any grandiose suggestions for you at this point, but am interested to hear what the veteran's say about your situation, as it also applies to me. I have two things that are going to force us communicate at some point, one being the car that she drives is mine, and the second being some items I have stored in her garage. The fact that she let me store those things there gives me a false sense of hope.
Maybe a good thing for you would be to "strategically bump" into her more often? Although as I think about that she may think you are persuing/following her I guess...
If you want to look at my posts it will prove that chasing does not work, nor does trying force another man out the picture, I eventually spent a night in jail and got 25 bonus anger management classes as a result of that strategy, when what I was doing was fighting for my marriage, albeit agressively. All in all I don't reccomend that strategy, trust me in that is very expensive in more ways than one. I was successful in getting the other man out of the way, but by my wife's admission if I had handled things differently we would probably be in a totally different place by now.
I feel your pain, and will thinking and praying for you and your marriage and that your situation improves.
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
I'm sorry about your situation BL but you are not alone. I would not confront the OM, that will likely just unify the two of them to push against you even further.
I want to further add to this that domestic violence is not just limited to spousal abuse, but also to situations where others are involved, whether it be friends, family, or OM/OW. Confrontation can be very dangerous, even deadly.
I come from a small community (less that 6000 people in a 40 mile radius) and there have been domestic murders, including that of a W who was unfaithful by her H. "Accidental" (the H was trying to break into the house by shooting out the door with a shot gun) as it may have been, it devastated and split not just the family, but the community.
The OP is a symptom. It doesn't feel good and it doesn't make either the affair spouse nor the OP "right", but it is a symptom. There is something else to be "fixed" rather than "fixing" the A by bandaging it with confrontation.
I would not recommend confronting your W. I did that with my H and it backfired and just pushed him closer to OW. (At the time I was pregnant. I confronted him in anger, trying to show him how wrong he was, being judgemental, etc. You name it. No matter how I justified it, the truth is that I just wanted to be right because I was so mad at him. A few days after our son was born, he told me he had made a decision to pursue a serious R with OW. That was last July and they are going strong.
I also would highly recommend not exposing her with OTHERS. I told my H's sisters and it also backfired. When H found out, he accused me of trying to put him in a bad light with them and trying to destroy his R with OW. He was VERY angry and has pushed him further away from me and closer to OW.
You can read a lot more about exposing and confronting in the infidelity thread. You will see numerous examples of how this has NOT worked out for a lot of us on this forum.
I know this is very hard, but try not to think about them. Concentrate on YOU. The things that were wrong with you in your R. Because even if there was no OM in the picture, the issues in your M will still be there. Work on those, work on you.
Good luck!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
BL: I COMPLETELY understand you wanting to know, or feeling like you need to know. If you're like me, you probably at least *think* you might handle things differently if you knew there was an OM for sure. And it satisfies a kind of ... (morbid) curiousity.
My sitch is 100% diff from yours but I am going through the same thing with this. And you know whats funny? Just this morning, and I do believe it's in one of your earlier threads, I read a post saying that we most likely will get one of three types of answers if we ask outright re: OM/OW
1) There is one but W/H will lie and say there's not 2) There really isn't one so W/H will tell the truth (My observation on this one is would one *REALLY* believe them if they swear there's not? For me, I would still be wondering.) 3) They will admit it but blame the reason for having A/OM/OW on you
Reading this post has *finally* struck a chord within me that has made me realise I don't want to know. For me, in all actuality, knowing one way or another really wouldn't change the dynamic of the here and now, so not only am I completely untempted to ask/snoop/search out info now, I kind of don't even want to know and will no longer 'feed the beast' which is obsessing about it in my head, making my own conclusions.
If you can, try and let sleeping dogs lie on this one At least for now.
At least for now.