Another WAW

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Lost,

2 things....

1) here's an example of my h's conflict avoidance and what it lead to...

When we married, we married in the Catholic Church b/c 1) I'm Catholic and

2) H was not really into organized religion. His mother had raised him as a Russian Orthodox-but h never once attended mass when we dated -or since, so it's fair to say it was simply NOT important to him....

whereas I was into my faith.

BUT marrying in her church was damn important to his mother which HE DID NOT TELL ME....but miraculously, I decided on my own to combine the wedding ceremony and have a Russian Orthodox priest there too.

I thought it was damn nice of me. I felt good and loving about my choice.

I told my mil this and she seemed pleased.

When I called him, the Russian priest said my mil had arranged for HIM To do the WHOLE ceremony (no Catholic at all and not in my church).

Excuse me? I explained that there'd been a miscommunication. I was Catholic and wanted the sacrament in both faiths as they recognize them in both. The wedding was at my church but my priest had agreed to have another priest there and they could both engage in the communion and wedding mass....weirdly nice of my usually grumpy priest, btw.

The Russian guy was miffed and said he would not "merely" officiate with another priest. It was all or nothing for him....so I cancelled him and told h what happened.

I don't know what h told his mother. I was irate and weirded out. But I do KNOW THIS---& ONLY NOW..decades later...

in exchange for the "Catholic wedding", h promised his Russian relatives the kids would all be raised Russian Orthodox...

he never told me this!

So 5 years pass and our son is born and Russian relatives fly way out to see him. He's the first descendant of 5 Russians who escaped Stalin's purges and got to this country. MIL is the ONLY child to have survived so our children are "it" for h's side of the family.

I get how important their faith is to THEM...and their desire for the Russian part in the children to be remembered. Many sacrifices were made for h to survive...

As the baptism day approached, ALL the relatives left the day before....wtf?

H asked his mother (on speaker phone) why she and the rest were not coming to the baptism, and she point blank said "b/c it's Catholic"....

I was so hurt. I had never experienced overt bigotry in my life. And for such a happy occasion! WTH???

(BTW, not that it matters, but their religion and ours are quite close theologically, which makes it all the more stupid)

But h never told me that HE had made a promise when we married, which his mother probably thought I was breaking...


I learned this only a few years ago.

Her refusal to go to the baptism deeply wounded me - and our r was never the same...

the avoidance of conflict my h clung to, CAUSED so much more pain than honesty would have...

I helped her when she was terminally ill and never brought any of this up of course. I had let it go long before...

but if h had told me HIS promises (that the kids would be raised Orthodox as a trade off for the marriage being Catholic)

I'd have had the kids baptized in both! I would not have minded at all!
Isn't that ironic?

He ASSUMED I would be upset...and now I realize those deceased Russians probably blamed ME for not following through on a promise that I never knew about.

Yes, I have said to H,

"this is a huge example of how your fear of conflict was out of proportion-and even if it were reasonable, even if you thought it would upset me,

look how much worse it hurt, and how much MORE pain there was, b/c you didn't tell me what you had promised"

...and of course, he made the promises to please them, and avoid conflict there too....it was also a big pattern of his in the MLC. Several trips to Alaska he only told me about once he was there. Nice...

it's really tragic. Just wanted to share that.

2) But Anch, none of this conflict avoidance on your end, excuses your w's tantrums. Those are weird and unacceptable and frankly, mentally unhealthy.

Your avoidance of conflict allowed it to continue, but that's NOT the same as justifying her behavior NOW...

Yes you made mistakes. But her telling you that the sex was mercy sex was just cruel. I usually think someone who says that must be in real pain themselves, but I'm not positive.

Anyhow, Have you ever told her how much that hurt you?

It matters that she knows, b/c she may actually think you don't care if you satisfied her or not.

And you clearly did/do.

What we "know" is that being a doormat has not appeased her and isn't working and sukks for you.

So that approach has to be ditched. ANY NEW approach will meet resistance from her. Maybe it'll evolve but at first, she'll resist it.

Steel yourself...and know things MUST change b/c you don't have a lot to lose now by standing up for yourself in an uber confident CALM way.

No man should put up with what she's been tossing the past 2 years...regardless of the prior problems.

Own your part but hold her to what she's doing NOW...you can't accept it.

And yes, she needs help. Some of the things she's done just sound batchit crazy to me. Seriously...

I cannot imagine not pointing out the double standards or the wildly inappropriate tantrums, at least once...in a way or time when you know she hears it..but then leave the room b/c she'll go nuts before she realizes, "gee, I'm kind of nutty. Maybe I do need help".