Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[purgatory]

Working on myself.... working on myself.....

still looking at getting a job, continuing my weight loss goals (20 pounds of 40 gone already!), getting back into church, branching out to develop new friends, trying things I've never done before (pole dancing class, skydiving and I want to pick up golf in the spring).

I have long term^^^^^goals, I need daily goals. I need something to distract and occupy me while I'm at home with the kids.

Just being in *this* house is depressing. This was our first house that we bought. It was supposed to be our place to raise the boys for at least the next 6 years (military life- you know you will move at some point.) H didn't want this house, but he "gave in" (as he says) and let me have this one. Since the bomb, he's said several times that he "hates this house", "I never wanted it anyways", "I can't wait until this isn't a burden anymore." It really hurts to be in this *house* because it's no longer a *home*. Even though we have some great memories here, I can't wait to get away because every room, every wall is a painful reminder of what's happening in my life.

Ok, off I go for a little while..... S6 just curled up next to me on the couch and said he wants to cuddle... this rarely happens, so I'm going to take advantage!

[BFloat]

I know how you feel about the house. This was the first home H and I bought and we had talked about living here a few more years before upgrading to a different place.

Everywhere I turn there is a memory. H's stuff is everywhere. The bedroom is incredibly hard because I see the big empty bed. I also feel as though I've been left to hold the bag and pick up all the pieces.

I have anxiety being here and it's so wrong because it's my home.

Deep breaths. I'm glad you have a chance to go away. It will be really good for you.

If I win the lotto, I am going to go on an awesome fun trip and I'm taking you with me!

[purgatory]

BF- let's start buying lotto tickets!!!
We had been talking about upgrading when he got back from AFG... now we'll be getting separate places when he gets back... I'll be sad to see this house go, in a way, because it's the last place that H and I were together as a married couple All of our R memories, end here.

My H has 'moved out' but not really: all his clothes are here, he cooks his meals here, he leaves his laptop here... he really only has the other place to crash at night. I'm really getting to the point of putting my foot down and stop letting him cake eat... but then I run the risk of making the path home a little rougher. And besides, he's leaving in 4 months- so all his stuff will be here anyways while he's gone.

Tonight:

The baby is developing a rash- and I shared that with H. He came over after the gym (at 8pm) to check on him. We agreed to take him back to the doctor in the morning, and depending on what they say- the baby might not go to OW's house tomorrow... I felt better about this talk that our earlier one that he hung up on me. I was really pleased to see that he came to check on the baby- positive. He stayed for almost an hour- and played with the baby and helped to put him to sleep-positive. BIG POSITIVE in my book: H wasn't out with OW for her birthday!! [He left our house at 9, and because I know OW's habits and routines with her girls- I KNOW that she wouldn't go out that late]**She didn't even tell H that I gave her my present- because H noticed it wasn't on the table anymore and asked where it was**

I'm pleased by tonight's interaction- but I know that nothing has changed in his mind, so I have no expectations. He's comfortable around me- which is good and bad. Good: because I like not having tension in the air or knowing that he's dying to run away... Bad: because it means that he's moved past any confusion that might have been there and is satisfied with this level of R with me.

I said something that irritated him and immediately apologized: a total 180 for me! I was even able to make him grin when I said: "hey, forget that happened, ok? never happened" (and I was standing right in front of him and reached out to rub his arm-what I always did when he was upset to calm him down- and he didn't shy away) I know I shouldn't have done that, but instinct took over in that moment- but it didn't backfire on me... this time.

Tomorrow is another day to work on me... I'm going to church tomorrow night and maybe a little shopping.

[BklynMom]

Purg so proud of you!! You really had some struggles today and some down moments but you didnt let them keep you down - you just dusted off and stayed on the right path. That is really the way to go.

Can you redecorate or rearrange the furniture at little? Maybe throw a painting party? Since you are gonna be in the house at least till he gets back might as well make it feel more comfy.

H will be surprised at the changes whether he comes back or not.

Ideas for being at home with kids all day:
1. knitting (I personally cant stand it, but many of my friends love it and you get a feeling of accomplishment)
2. Baking (kiddos love to help & make a mess)
3. guitar playing (I am doing this now & I am terrible but maybe one day...)

[purgatory]

Thanks Bklyn! I'm not sure if I could do the knitting thing either- I'm afraid I might end up throwing the needles across the room! Good luck on your guitar skills- I bet the kids will enjoy singing along with you one day

I've considered moving furniture, but hadn't thought about painting.... That's something I've wanted to do in a few rooms since we moved in! Thanks for reminding me

I do feel like my night ended on a better note than where it was heading... And I realized that I had complete control of *my* actions that contributed to it Motivated to do this more and try not to let my thoughts get the better of me

[BFloat]

Retail therapy! Once I lose a little more weight I am so going shopping! Hmmmm.. Shopping in Vegas??

cheering you on for being such an awesome mom and such a strong and beautiful individual! Go purg!!

[ces67]

Purg - Great progress for you! Be proud of yourself and keep it going! Its probably still a long path ahead so pace yourself!

Have you got the cello out yet???

[Jenna333]

All caught up! I so feel for you, Pur. I think it's disgusting what your H and your ex-BFF are doing I wish I could give you a big hug!

As you saw from my thread, acting 'as-if' is the best thing you can do. GAL, as-if, and detaching. I don't think anything you can do anytime soon will stop your H and OW, so as hard as it is, try to push those thoughts of them out of your mind. I have a particular dislike (nicer word than I'd like to use) for cake-eaters through dealing with one myself. It probably goes against DBing, but I wouldn't allow your H to cook his meals at YOUR home anymore. He shouldn't be there so often. Mine didn't start snapping out of it until I pulled the comfort and reality of ME, someone who loves him and knows him, away from him. He may not even be snapping out of it, though. It may be that he's freaking out because he feels the control slipping through his fingers. Take the control away! Right now your H knows that he can fantasize about something new while you're waiting for him. He can't think you're waiting for him, IMO. He needs to face reality. And reality is that you truly won't be waiting for him forever. I know it feels that way now, but you will wake up one day and realize that you deserve better. You do, Pur. No matter what you did during the relationship, he messed up, too, and HE walked away from you and your family that you created together. He has no motivation to come back if he knows that you're not getting on with your life.

I can tell that you're a wonderful person. Show him what he'll be missing, but do it for you. I've become a much stronger and as crazy as it sounds, happier person throughout all of this. One day you may realize that this 'alien' may be your husband after all and that there's a wonderful man out there looking for you right now that will treat you how you deserve to be treated. It takes guts and a big heart to fight for your R alone, against all odds. I'm proud of you for facing this. You have so much going on.

I'm here for/with you, love!

[purgatory]

I'm breathing.... Trying to remain calm....

I called H at work to let him know about the doctor appointment this morning, he didn't answer. I text him to call when he had a chance- he called 5 minutes later from his cell. It was completely quiet in the background, and. I car noise either- my mind started wondering here he was in the middle of the day.
I didn't ask the question I wanted to ask: where are you? that was really hard.

I relayed to appointment to him, and he's going to have to adjust his normal plans for this evening (which means not going over to OW's house!) but I'm sure they'll be on the phone all night while I gone. Grrrrre

I still really want to know where he was at when he called!! I know I'm not supposed to ask, and he's even said that I don't have the right to know about his private life anymore.... This is really hard for me to do. (it's kinda pathetic!!)

Ok, had to get that out of my system

[Jenna333]

It's not pathetic! It's beyond hard adjusting from being able to know whatever you want about your S to knowing that it isn't your business anymore. Remember that what you do or where you're at isn't his business anymore, either.