Great job finding that list. Some people actually will print off that list and keep it in their pocket to remind themselves, as needed. In LRT, every one of those items is important. Certain points are important to keep in mind, just in general discourse with your W and even in day to day relationships.
Understand there is LRT and there is going dark. Some people discuss "shades" of dark, especially if there are children. You indicated in the "rules" post you've had no contact with your W. I just want to touch on this:
+ LRT says let your W initiate contact. It does not mean you should not communicate with her. In the case of kids or finances, DO talk with her. If you cannot, find a mediator or someone who is willing and able to help with communication.
+ going dark is about protecting yourself. In your case it's protecting yourself emotionally, but it IS ALSO about protecting yourself, legally. You do not want to put yourself in a compromising position or conversation that could lead to legal action.
To give you an idea, there was a point where my W made allusions to being afraid of me. I've never, ever hit anyone... ok, I'll admit I tried once, but missed... And with that was my own concern that her concern (albeit misplaced, from my perspective) might grow to include concern for the kids. So at that moment, I went completely dark and no contact for a couple weeks, except for any communication I needed to respond to her, which was ONLY by email, so that I had some form of proof, just in case.
Whatever my W's concerns were, they likely stemmed from a defensive mode she went into because of her previous common law BF who actually was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I suspect she got into a head space where she was projecting that fear of him, onto me. It didn't matter. I realized that I needed to remove myself from that as quickly and completely as possible.
And yes, when our spouses are having some drama in their lives, we (at least until we set and maintain firm boundaries) will be the target of their anger. They DO lash out at us, even if we had nothing to do with their problem. Like you, in my case my W had suggested concern for herself, yet she had no problem sending the kids with me. If I was so "dangerous", how could she trust the kids with me? It can be constructed and contrived because they really want to believe that we are the bad people. It could be true, it could be false, but the onus is on us to check that and fix it if and as necessary.
From a personal opinion, I would agree that keeping direct, physical contact with your W until the 50B is expired is a really good idea.
You appear to be doing a good job considering how to expand your goals and objectives. Keep working on that. As you develop paths, check if they are parallels and keeping with who you want to be as a person, a step father, and a husband. Also keep in mind that we can always course correct as we move forward. In fact, it can be important to do so. Instead of blindly or stubbornly following a path that will end poorly. There doesn't have to be black and white goals. Just possibilities.
Thanks for the compliments on my posts. I do my best to always come from a place of good intention, in posting and in life. And yes, it appears my freight train is slowed, although I may need to do a course correction or two, soon or risk the train speeding up and away. I just needed to get stable myself and finally managed to get there about a year and a half after everything really began.
Your second last post above discusses further no contact and how you are feeling about what might be a futile effort.
You will go through ALL the stages of grief that are associated with traumatic events. There are resources on the internet you can find if you search for them. They don't necessarily happen in order, but they do happen. Work through them rather than stuffing them, as it is important for your growth.
Also, there is something important to note about detachment. Detachment doesn't mean we (have to) stop loving our spouses. It just means that we are less emotionally attached and therefore less reactive to triggers and our spouses hitting our buttons. Learn what your buttons are and work on removing them, because your W knows what they are and will hit them every time she feels like she needs to. The less you react, the more she will notice the change in you and the more she may begin to wonder if she really wants to leave the M.
Finally, regarding sweats... yeah, everyone who goes through trauma will have both emotional and physical reactions. You sweat, others can't breathe, or get insomnia, or alternatively are constantly tired and sleeping. Also, it took a while, but about a year into it, I finally started lucid dreaming. It was crazy. I hadn't had lucid dreaming for probably 15 years, and suddenly it started. It's since dropped off...
Again, understand these are just symptoms of the sitch and will eventually go away or will get better.
I have written a lot and will leave this post as is for you to read through.
I do want to touch later on the "grown woman" comment she made which includes her perception of being controlled. Just think about that for a bit...
And with that was my own concern that her concern (albeit misplaced, from my perspective) might grow to include concern for the kids. So at that moment, I went completely dark and no contact for a couple weeks, except for any communication I needed to respond to her, which was ONLY by email, so that I had some form of proof, just in case.
