My 14 year old son......he got mad at me and went to his Mom's about a week and a half ago. If he didn't get his way, he'd say "I'll just go to mom's", or if I told him 'no' he'd say "I'll just go to mom's", or if he was questioned or grounded he'd say "I'll just go to mom's"...so he did. He's only done this one other time, when he got grounded. And she let him do immediately the very thing that I grounded him from. It prevents him from learning that there are consequences to his behavior. It only teaches him to be manipulative.
Part of this is his age, part of it is because that is what he has seen from his Mother.
I try to address the things that aren't "learned" behavior. Those are the things that are disrespectful towards you or any other person that shows authority.
The things that are normal teenager behavior? well they are normal for a reason.
That is a tough spot buddy. I don't envy you at all. Although I do understand what you are dealing with.
I would stay consistent , and whenever he chooses to come back, hold him to your rules still. Things aren't always going to be rosey there. And he will want to come back at some point. When he does, then I would have a talk with him about that. That in the future, running from one parent to the other if he gets upset, will not be allowed. And he will have the very real choice he has to make.
Explain about the manipulation, and that you will not deal with his disrespect in your home.
That is part of the parallel parenting thing I was talking about the other day. That we expect the same standards to be held in both homes for our kids. And that most of the time, in reality, that there ends up being two sets of standards. One for each home.
We fully expect that the best interest of the kids will be held in each home. The difference is, that what our version of whats best is, and our whacked out spouse's version of whats best is, usually ends up being at the opposite end of the spectrum from each other.
That is also the part that angers us so much. That we fully expect the other parent to enforce our rules , the same as we try to enforce theirs.
A couple years ago, I grounded my daughter from her cell phone for a week. It was on a Thursday night, and she was going back with her Mother for the next 7 days. She THOUGHT that she was free and clear , because the next week, she was going to be with her Mom.....
Imagine her surprise, when I picked her up the following Friday afternoon, and my first words were. " Hi baby, I love you, and I need your phone, this is day one "
That set the tone for parallel parenting for us....
Don't walk on eggshells with him. He will sense that in you. And try to take advantage of that. Being a teenager, that is his job.
You are the parent....nuff said
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He vents his anger toward me, at the drop of a hat, over the smallest thing. I've had to walk on eggshells myself with him. He's capable of incredible meanness toward me. It's heartbreaking. We had a great Christmas. But afterwards, he started drawing his mother like a gun.
THIS.....is the hardest thing to understand. I struggled with this one too.
From what I have been through...
You are the "safe" parent. You are the one that he knows will be there for him. You always have, and he knows you always will be. He may feel safe venting that anger toward you, because he knows-without a shadow of a doubt- that you will be there. No matter how much anger he shows you.
What he doesn't know, is that his Mother will always be there. And he may fear that if he shows the anger he has toward her to her, that she will walk away from him, the same way she did you.
He doesn't feel "safe" in that relationship, and needs to protect that, by acting out in a way that will draw him closer to her. That is the bond that they form, or try to form.
She is more of a friend than a Mother right now. In time, he will see this too.
I had to go through this part very slow and consistently with my daughter. She needed to learn what was true on her own. She needed to see what was real, and what wasn't, on her own.
I didn't force anything on her except that I loved her , and I was there for her.
The only thing I would suggest is, that you hold him to whatever agreement that you have regarding custody. That he WILL spend time with you. I don't know if that is possible for you.
I thought many times about sending my Daughter to my ex, and letting her go. I felt that if I let her do that, that my ex won. And I was not willing to let her become the kind of person that would just walk away from her issues. And it has been a rough road. I held my daughter to a higher standard in my home, regardless of what standard that she had with my ex. She was free to express herself, but only if she could contain that to being respectful.
She had chores and responsibilities, she earns an allowance ONLY if she adheres to her chore schedule. I always thought that kids tend to gravitate towards discipline and rules, no matter what they think they want.
What we have now, is a really good relationship. In time, she did see things for her own, and she knows the difference between my relationship with her, and her relationship with her Mother.
When she needs guidance, she always seems to come to me first now. She still has things that she will only have with her Mother, and I accept that, hell, I WANT that for her.
I think the hard times, are what make the good times even better though...
I hope this helps you some. I know it's hard stuff ..
