Four Weeks Till D-Day

[25yearsmlc]

Pur, I wasn't leaving b/c I thought since I wasn't actively seeking a recon. I should post here.

I am leaving b/c it seems like I am only coming across as some needy thing who is waiting for my SO to walk through the door, say he's sorry and carry me to the bedroom.

well in fairness to us, we are basing our perceptions on your written words and nothing else...or maybe some experiences we've had but mainly it's you talking to us that primarily informs us...


After all I've written, it is MOST CERTAINLY NOT the case.

I feel as if I am being misjudged, and frankly I don't like it I am trying really hard here to try and do the right things in a really WEIRD situation.

No one likes being misjudged or judged at all. I didn't get that from the posters here but I'm not you.

I don't think your situation is particularly weird either. The military dynamic might be unusual but many of us here share it. The only rare thing you have is a relatively short lived relationship that did not result in a marriage.

Isn't it natural that we'd urge someone who IS married and or has children, to think harder and longer about divorce, than someone who doesn't?

I would NOT have DBd successfully or for as long, if I had no children (who needed the stability of this home til high school completed)

AND if I had not been married, AND married over 2 decades at that.

It was a much larger "investment" emotionally, chronologically and physically and geographically and financially and parentally---than a short r without any of those factors is...I don't mean that to offend - it's an observation of fact.

For me personally, my h put me through far more than I'd have tolerated from a mere boyfriend or fiancee, or for that matter, a marriage without children OR a marriage of fewer than a few years...I'd have thrown in the towel and not looked back.

So sure, when I see you getting badly treated for the bulk of the r, and it's a short one that never culminated in m, and YOU wrote that he proposed to "please" you and NOT b/c he was ready to marry....then

Is it so hard for you to understand that we do see it as easier to cut your losses and start fresh?

We are not saying your r is worthless, but yes, imo, it's worth LESS of your energy and time and money...than a long term marriage, with children would be...but I thank God no children are involved at this point.



If coming on here and reading certain posts makes me feel angry rather than reflective or even soothed, then what is the point?


well, to make you think more? Usually if someone irks you with a comment and they were not rude, it means you might want to look at what chord they struck in you...


I also feel as if people are much more quick for me to just move out and end this since we are not married.

see above note...he never married you for a reason...could have but did not. You say it's the same as common law marriage but true common law marriage differs from merely cohabitating, b/c it requires telling others (like creditors and the public) that you are h and w...among other things...it's an element of that. Whatever...

I just worry it's been so long since you felt "in love" and that your clock MIGHT be ticking, biologically or simply b/c you are tired of being lonely...that it's clouding your judgement and on the off chance that it is...

isn't it better for objective people w/no agenda or bias or reason to lie, to tell you, than not?



I am quite sure that if I was writing this and had told everyone I was married, the opinions would be much different.


1) if he were your h and did not have PTSD, I'd say he's a lousy h and you need to detach so he wakes up.

2) but he is NOT your h. IF HE WERE YOUR H, that would mean that at one time he felt committed enough to marry you. And you to him...

if you had kids with him the advice would also be different, but you don't.

Its not mere happenstance that you are not married to him And don't have kids = these are choices you two made in your r and they reflect realities of your relationship...NOT = to marriage b/c there is no marriage and

not = to a family b/c there are no children.

So there's less of a connection and I don't see this as "discriminatory" --

so much as the SAME assessment that goes into EACH assessment we make, about the "costs and benefits" of a relationship with trouble-and if it can be saved and if so, how...

The less invested, the lower the "costs" of the split. No broken families here, no kids to traumatize...no in laws to inform, no property to split and no retirement accounts to divide...etc. YOU decide the costs...other than paying for a wedding on your own (which you never really explained. If it's b/c he bought the ring, he can return THAT so anyhow...I asked before and you didn't answer so I'll drop it)

To me your situation is not easy but it's far simpler, w/fewer people getting hurt this way.

To you it seems unfair...but imagine this treatment from him, AFTER 5 years?

OR after having a child he ignores?




I DO NOT think that a piece of paper makes what we are going through any different. I'm sorry, I just don't.

So that is all.


Well - I think marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper, so maybe that's why there's a disconnect for you.

IMO, HE did not treat your r like a marriage. Do you think he did? Then again, he was married before and didn't treat her well either.

Does that make him more attractive to you, in some "But I can get him" type of way?



But I do HOPE YOU all the best. Your situation really pisses me off and I hope so much for you and your H to have a happy, healthy recon where you both appreciate and love one another as you deserve to be.

I hope we all learn to be happy with, or without, our spouses. Mine leaves for Afghan soon enough and though I worry for him, at my gut level I know that losing him now would be like losing an organ. We've been married for more than half my life...we met when I was 16 and began dating when I was 19...

but after a time of grieving and mourning, I KNOW I would survive and be happy again. And that's partly b/c of DBing...

you can learn that too. It's not all about "winning" the spouses back here.

Check the site out. DBing is about saving ourselves first...and hopefully our marriages second.

and fyi, I personally have posted to a dozen people not married, or in same sex r's over the past few years with enthusiasm for the r's to work out.

I just didn't see much coming your way from this man at this time or in the near future. For the last time, (for me)

I will say that the advice I have given you was given in the hopes of you saving yourself first

AND possibly saving the r and hoping he somehow wakes up and mans up.

The course of action of GAL/180s and being stronger and more independent (from what you sound like here anyhow)

is the same for both saving YOU and or for salvaging whatever you can from this r.

IF the man is who you hoped he is...and rids himself of all the other layers he has that prevent the best him from showing up

I gave the advice I personally felt was most likely to bring that about.

This advice is free-so you are free to ignore it. It's NOT my life.....

but you only get one life, life is short, and this is not a dress rehearsal....

I hope you won't give this guy your power.

Good luck

[Oneeleven]

I was paying for the wedding instead of paying for any household bills (mortgage, insurance, hydro, etc.). That was our deal.


There is a ton that I have not posted here, but for some reason it seems like people have the impression he was 'bad' before his deplo which he wasn't. He was great. Amazing. I was the one who had issues. There was one incident in a bar of him telling girls he was single so he could get attention. Wrong? Hell yes! Deal breaking? I don't think so.
The reason I say the proposal was for me is, he gave me the ring a few months earlier than planned so I would feel happy. Since he was going to already be gone for the camping weekend he had originally planned to propose during, it made sense.
One thing I should add. We didn't get more than a few days notice of his deplo, he is only one of a few trained to do his position so when it comes up, that's that

He hasnt done a lot right for a long time. Basically since he deployed. Looking at that and that only, I don't see things working out.

But I at least want to see with my own two eyes that it is the way it is.

He was an amazing and caring person before. Oh and his ex wife says the same things I do. We are of the same opinion. that we think he is going through some stuff in his head and we hope he can get through it, be he would have to decide that.

So for now, my tactic is to drop the rope but keep the end of it in sight for a bit. I don't really have a heck of a lot to lose at this point.

I am hoping the night he returns he will feel like talking and maybe let some angst out. Even if there is an ow, I'm kind of ok with that now. It is what it is. Whatever will be will be. It's a scary feeling, but this is out of my control.

[Oneeleven]

And btw .... I have not stopped caring. There have been multiple suicide bombs and rocket attacks all around his area and in a road he travels every day.

It's all I can do to not try and contact him today. I'm very worried, then the guilt creeps in.... What IF he is hurt right now?

But I have to rely on the Canadian Army to keep me abreast, and shove those thoughts aside.

I'm off to gal by going grocery shopping. (I'm an exciting woman... I know!! Lol)

[Oneeleven]

So you'll have to bear with me as I know I shouldn't care/have the right to care but I am having a really difficult moment.

My ex has been talking with the POW via: Skype. And he never speaks to me on there.

It just kills me.

And it solidifies that the most like have at the very least and EA.

And I don't know whether she is staying in the Middle East after he returns, or if she is already back in Canada.

As I said, I know I should care, but this realization made my heart beat so fast I thought it was going to explode. Hot rushes went to my head and tears were burning my eyes that I am trying desperately to fight off as I am at work right now.

I feel like up-chucking.

God I hate this.

I almost would rather know for sure one way or the other, you know what I mean? (whether they are having an actual affair that is going to be continued in Canada).

I find milestones are useful for making 'internal' decisions within ones' self.

[purgatory]

I know the hot rushes and fast paced heartbeats you're talking about! It's all the adrenaline running through you- I still haven't found a 'trick' to get rid of it

I'm sorry you have to know about the POW on Skype. Especially since you are worried about him, you think you kinda deserve to have him at least acknowledge you. BTW, don't feel bad or guilty for having concern for him- just because of your current sitch (and unknown future) with him, doesn't mean you can just turn off care and concern for someone in a war zone.... I'm about to face that in June

Grocery stores can be fun- not the most exciting GAL, but it gets you out of the house! My H and I used to make a guess as to what the total would be- and the loser had to put groceries away..... I do it on my own now. (wow, I didn't realize that memory would hurt so much... Ick.)

Ignore my bummer moment, enjoy your night!

[Oneeleven]

I know the hot rushes and fast paced heartbeats you're talking about! It's all the adrenaline running through you- I still haven't found a 'trick' to get rid of it

Well, I upchucked... I felt much better after. I feel a little ashamed that my own emotions could affect me that badly over something that is I guess kind of small in comparison

I'm sorry you have to know about the POW on Skype. Especially since you are worried about him, you think you kinda deserve to have him at least acknowledge you. BTW, don't feel bad or guilty for having concern for him- just because of your current sitch (and unknown future) with him, doesn't mean you can just turn off care and concern for someone in a war zone.... I'm about to face that in June

I guess I feel guilty because I feel if I don't show concern, or shove it down, and it turns out he is sitting in Germany with injuries wondering wth I am .... (God forbid) what kind of person does that make me? Yet I know realistically the whole "I don't love you, miss you, or want you in my life" email give me the right to walk away. But I will just quietly hope all is well when I hear the bad news from there.



Grocery stores can be fun- not the most exciting GAL, but it gets you out of the house! My H and I used to make a guess as to what the total would be- and the loser had to put groceries away..... I do it on my own now. (wow, I didn't realize that memory would hurt so much... Ick.)

Aw!! ((HUGS))

Ignore my bummer moment, enjoy your night!

[Brian in Hville]

111,

I know sometimes the responses can be pretty blunt and that can hurt. But stick with us. Most of the people here will ask you question to make you really think or will give advice based on what you have said. It may not be WHAT you want to hear at the time, but just take some time to digest it.

Know we do care about you and your situation. I am adding you to my prayer list.

Brian

[Oneeleven]

Thanks Brian, I appreciate that. Blunt is no problem, honesty is great. It's my own fault as I think sometimes I can be unclear on here.

Plus I didn't give very much at all on our 'pre-crappy-part' of our relationship, which may have made some difference. I didn't even touch on my issues early on that could have been a 'spring board' for things that happened later.

I read back my own thread and noticed how sparse my detailing is (despite how much I talk/write!! lol)

But really, this is all kind of ... on hold/irrelevant now.

I've accepted that it's over and yes, obviously my heart is still tied to the relationship that was the way it was before deployment, I know it's not realistic to think that things are going to go 'back in time' to the way they once were.

I've completely let go of what I can't control and I've even been playing around with letting go of what I CAN control. I want to let fate take it's course I guess.

In the meantime, I still find reading other people's sitches so theraputic and begun to care a lot about the well-being of a few posters on here.

I hope one day I can come back here with some good news one way or another for my own situation.

But I hope it's okay that I still come on here and write about my ups and downs.


You can think of me as a social experiment. DBing before the marriage... and DBing pretty crappily at that! lol

[purgatory]

"I've completely let go of what I can't control and I've even been playing around with letting go of what I CAN control. I want to let fate take it's course I guess."

I need to work on this ^^^^^!! I've heard everyone say it's so liberating to just let go, and only focus on controlling yourself.... I would LOVE to feel this weight lifted!! I just can't seem to figure out how to DO it- any ideas??

How are you doing today?? Still snowed in?? I've seen you posting on other's posts today...but what's going with you??

[Oneeleven]

"I've completely let go of what I can't control and I've even been playing around with letting go of what I CAN control. I want to let fate take it's course I guess."

I need to work on this ^^^^^!! I've heard everyone say it's so liberating to just let go, and only focus on controlling yourself.... I would LOVE to feel this weight lifted!! I just can't seem to figure out how to DO it- any ideas??

I literally mantra stuff to myself. Various, but mostly just "I can't control this, whatever will be will be. And I wwill be fine. And I practice on mundane stuff. Like.... if my bus is late...will I make my connecting bus? That sort of stuff used to have me constantly checking my watch and cursing every light that we would have to stop at. (silly I know...) But I find that just repeating my mantra for that sort of stuff helps.. lol

How are you doing today?? Still snowed in?? I've seen you posting on other's posts today...but what's going with you??

no, not too much snow and nothing exciting to report. Just keeping on keeping on. II guess even tho it would be nice to have some good news to post, thats pretty unlikely, but at least I don't ahve BAD news to report! lol

Thanks a lot for checking in Pur