She was diagnosed with DCIS, very early stage breast cancer in the summer of 2006. SHe initially had a lumpectomy, but the margins were not clear. She had a mastectomy a few weeks later. Because of the unique nature of her cancer cells, radiation was recommended. She had reconstructive surgery along with the mastectomy. She then had 8 weeks of radiation treatment
We moved to ANC in the summer 2008. In the fall of 2010 she had a mastectomy on the other side, there was not any reoccurrence. She wanted to do it as a preventative measure, now will not have worry about breast cancer anymore.
With the first surgery, I was there for the operation and recovery, and went to the appointments with the surgeon. Her Mom and Dad were also there. She had a lot of pain during the recovery due to the chest expander. I also went to the initial appointment with the radiologist and oncologist.
When she started the radiation treatments, she said it was okay, I had to work and she could go on her own. Huge mistake on my part! I will always regret that.
For the second mastectomy here in ANC, I was the only one by her side. She wasn't talking to her Mom at the time and her Mom didn't call after the surgery. She also had reconstruction at the same time as the surgery. I took time of from work to take care of her, she recovered rapidly and was back at work in 7 days.
The sex didn't stop until after we moved here to ANC, the fall of 2008. Right after moving here, I don't recall the nature of the argument but she stated that for most of our marriage she felt that it was mercy sex on her part.
So I backed way off. That hurt. I certainly didn't want to initiate any intimacy after that. But of course that wasn't the right way to handle it. I should have asked why she felt that way. What could I do differently for her. But my pride got the best of me and I withdrew.
She made the same comment this Xmas when she sent me that stream of nasty tests.
The roommate comment was first made sometime in 2009, so for the last two years or so that was when she said she felt like we were roommates. We slept in the same bed, I would still scratch or rub her back when she wanted. We still kissed each other, said ILY etc. But she now says she was just going through the motions.
Of course I got defensive and said I didn't feel like roommates, I loved her and said she worked M-F and went to bed at 8:30 pm most nights. I didn't go to bed that early. Of course I would avoid any conflict, didn't address it head and crawled into my work.
Yes I can see how she must feel unattractive to me. I will state emphatically that I find her very attractive, she is very beautiful. It not the scars or surgery that has been an issue, it was because of her statement that I didn't feel comfortable approaching her. I didn't see how it would make her feel. My DB coach has talked to me at length about this and how she must have felt! I see that now.
So I feel responsible. That is what I'm struggling with. I do feel responsible for much of our marriages problems. I think that addressed your questions 25. I apologize for not responding to them, there was so much response from you and Sandi2 that it got lost in the shuffle.
Please know I appreciate the 2x4's (maybe they are 4x4's), I need them. I need to digest what you said earlier. Calling my wife's bluff is something that has been suggested to me by my close friends. They feel that to actually help my wife, I need to let her go.
I had a good conversation with my DB coach this morning. We discussed W's return from her parents and how that went. Of course I didn't fair well with her family this weekend. They think my wife should leave me, how did she stay this long etc.
So my DB coach asked me why would they say that. I explained how my relationship deteriorated with MIL due to her testament of our sons. It wasn't just me, my W had a huge problem with Mom due to our boys and the fact that her mom lied to her all the time. That is why she wasn't talking to her mom for the past year.
I explained to DB coach that it became easier to not go to MIL's when my W went because my W always felt stress due to her mom and I. This was mostly my wife's suggestion and I went along with it.
The conversation with DB coach highlighted the fact that again I was avoiding conflict and it made my wife feel alone and always explaining why I wasn't there. Maybe my wife's family felt that I wasn't fully committed to the marriage. Another 2x4! I hadn't looked at it that way before. She even reminded me that my wife stood up for me on several occasions.
So again, I am responsible for not being there for my wife when she needed me, much like the radiation treatment. DB coach said I should tell her that.
So there is a major 180 for me. Stop avoiding conflict. That will be a long process.
That is enough for now. I will think about some of what you wrote. I'm struggling with standing up to my wife, not being a doormat when I feel responsible for the state our our marriage. I have empathy for how my wife must feel.
