Need HOPE- part II

[Coyote]

Hey P,

sorry for the delay in getting back. I've been busy too...

"This whole situation seems so dysfunctional...I'm surprising myself, my C & my W about how well I'm taking it....The "old me" would have been full of rage at some of this stuff. Still a DB novice..."

Yes, a situation like this is 'very' dysfunctional to say the least. However, I think you need to pause for a moment and give yourself a good ol' pat on the back!

You mention being a novice but I don't see that. Yes, we all need to re visit the basics from time to time. From what I see though, you've definitely gotten past the initial, 'what the *&^*!! is going on' stage. I see someone who is chippin' away at this and that one at a time. Positives here and there that are making a difference. Keep it up!

"I asked my W to tell me if I have unreasonable hopes / expectations that we will be together again, re-married..."

I know this kind of marital 'temperature taking' is irresistible. However, a WAS will very often feel 'neediness' from their LBS with this. Tends to set things back a bit. Best to let W set the pace on this.

In short, continue on with the above. Be genuinely positive. Be pleasant. Be a soft shoulder for her to land on but again try to avoid the sort of, 'I can't wait for you to make up your mind sweetie (pant pant!)' (Argh, I know this is an easy thing to forget from time to time...)

If this helps, remember, this is a marathon and not a sprint.

"She said that she wants to work on our R, but the D allows a fresh start for us & also protection for her in case I become "evil" and our efforts at reestablishing a new/better R fail..."

When a WAS is occilating like this, and I know it's frustrating but the best you can do is to roll with it and not react. Sometimes, without even realizing it a part of them may be trying to push buttons. Helps validate their leaving. Instead, perhaps,

'If this is what you feel then I won't hold you back. I enjoy spending my time with you. Especially when we work together as a team we can really be something. But again, I won't hold you back if this is how you feel.'

Coyote.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks Coyote & Wendy,
This site (and you) has really saved me and helped my family tremendously. Lately W has been the one to bring up the R. I'm trying to stick to the basics, keep it simple & positive. Taking it day by day. I've been so busy with work,kids,GAL'g ect. - trying to spend more time on the db site getting updated on sitches. I'm happy with the improved ME, and I'm committed to continue improving.
Thanks again, so much! Hope is priceless.
P

[PERSEVERANCE]

Well... Status quo. Not much has changed. Marathon not a sprint....I'm making progress. It still looks like we will get a D. I still see W everyday... Going snowboarding/ skiing, to the gym, dinners, walks & out for coffee. W has mentioned that if thing keep progressing positively and if we continue working on ourselves that we can hopefully reconcile.- which I guess means getting remarried. She has told other people that we are more open honest and communicate better now than in years. Such a unique sitch. No hugs, handling etc... Hopefully it will progress to that point. Time will hopefully heal the wounds of the past.
Just working on ME, being a great dad & keeping the road open for my w to come home.

[purgatory]

P- thanks for checking in on my thread..... thought I would stop by and say hi!
I feel like we're all walking this marathon, maybe even stopping for lunch along the way or taking a back road through the woods.... there doesn't seem to be a straight path or a finish line in sight!

It's so hard to accept the D that seems to be coming straight at us when we still continue to see and do things with the WAS. I would take it as a positive that your W says there is potential for reconciliation in the future- don't assume that means 'remarry', maybe it means never getting the D... just another way to look at it.

I still feel for you about the way your sitch came about- coming back from a war zone looking forward to peace and love with your family- only to be thrown into another war zone... I'm sure those wounds still sting.

I know that your boys enjoy your time and you are helping them deal with this by being a great dad! Being able to put on your 'game face' and approach each day with dignity- is a life lesson that will be so valuable to them in the years to come- you are being a great example of 'man's strength' to them.

[Coyote]

P,

If the D goes through it's not over. I've seen/heard of a number of WASs that, for whatever reason, felt they needed to D or something similiar before they could reconnect with their LBS.

Just keep doin' what you're doin'. Sounds like you're keeping well and dealing with this in a healthy manner. I get the sense that you're now actually getting comfortable with keeping yourself happy and not just doing things to win W back.

Note here: The WAS tends to have a 'radar' for this kind of thing. If they get a sense that you are just doing things/changes to win them back they will most often feel they are being 'tricked' into coming back. Usually sends them back into their tunnel for a while (groan...)

Took a while for me but I finally 'got it.' Sure, if you make a mistake here and there, and they do happen, remember to pick yourself back up and continue on. Try your best not to waste any energy beating yourself up with, 'what if I had done this or that?' or 'I should've done...'

Coyote

[Coyote]

By the bye, hope this helps for you too Purgatory. With ya!

Coyote

[kolja]

For what it's worth, my wife is pressing ahead too, but we're without many of the positives you describe (apparently one can do all the paperwork on line now - it doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should be made THAT easy but I digress). But coyote makes a good point - in many cases, the road back together sometimes regrettably runs through this territory.

[Coyote]

Koija, (Sorry P, don't mean to hijack...)

Almost always us LBS's want a quick fix, it's irresistible. Let us be guy or gal we just want this junk done with, thank you very much. This is natural. We grieve for the life we thought was there but got taken away.

You try this or that and sometimes it doesn't seem to make a big difference with your WAS, fine. They are on a journey at the moment.

Certainly, some positive changes can be attractive to the WAS. Is that all there is to this?

Something I just came across, I need to quote a wise friend here, "Maybe it's not always about trying to fix what is broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better."

Hope this helps,

Coyote again

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hi Everyone. It's been a while since the last post... Not much to add- I've been soooo busy. Working hard to support two households since my W moved out
... Working, taking care of the kids, home, dog, guinea pig & snake. I work in the financial service / sales industry... I enjoyed getting dirty with my job in Afghanistan more. Still seeing a C... Not a MC. D is moving forward- although still seeing W everyday. Communicating well... But she says that it could be months, years or never for our reconciliation - she says that she is hopeful. WTF... If she is hopeful- shouldn't we be seeing a MC & not getting a D. I shouldn't try to get in her head, but I need subtitles or something to understand what the heck she is talking about?! She is off living in her cottage by the beach... & I'm 4 miles away, taking care of our family while working full time... Just a bit stressed out. She helps to cook, shop, clean & take care of the kids sometimes- but it still very lopsided. Feel as though my stbx & L will try to drain away my patience and money. She keeps reminding me that I've only been home 2 months... But I have made so much progress. I know it is a marathon. God please give me the patience, forgiveness and understanding to get through this.

[WenikiTiki]

Hi P!

I have been wondering about you. Not easy doing what you are doing. Don't go in her head.... It is probably scary and dark in there....

Stay patient, but yes, the marathon gets old, doesn't it?!?

I am working on a couple quilting projects right now. Keeps my brain engages and off the crap stuff.

I also learned to walk up from the floor into Downward Dog, and it streaches me out different and then I can keep my heels on the floor. I take whatever victories I can, you know.

Take Care!

Wendy