waiting for the tides to change

[BFloat]

I can't seem to find anything to get me out of this funk. Even watching my kids makes me sad. I am completely immobilized by my grief and don't know what to do.

I don't listen to music at the moment because I am very affected by it (I played piano for years and have always been very musical). It makes me cry and the happier stuff doesn't sit right at the moment.

What has happened to me? I can't believe I'm here! And so weak!

[BklynMom]

--- Call a friend or family member

---Listen to Guns N Roses

---Think about Jim Carrey in Ace Venture "Laces Out!!" "Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle"

---Load the kids in the car and go to Chucky Cheese

---Ask your 2yr old to act like a cow/frog/bunny, whatever

---Make up some yoga and ask your kids to do it with you

---Have a slumber party in the living room and skip bath time

---Play you Shook Me All Night Long for your S5, they have no idea what it means and they love the beat

---watch The Will Farrell Landload sketch

[purgatory]

BF- bklyn has some great ideas ^^^^^. I'll add: go to youtube and search for treadmill videos- they ALWAYS make me laugh

I wish there was a magic pill to take so you could become 'un-stuck'. I remember being in that same position the first week after the bomb- I ate an entire hershey's pie in 2 days (it was the ONLY thing I ate and I just dug in with a spoon) It was not my proudest moment... but it was the easiest way to gain 3 pounds!

Maybe call your sister and see if she can come hang out with you and your kids tonight. 25 suggested to me that I rent 'bridesmaids'... I'm thinking about watching it with a bottle of pinot noir!

Just take it one day at a time, and try not to be too hard on yourself. You are definitely not alone, I only wish we could all get together and cry it out.

((((((BF)))))))

[BFloat]

Bk - the will ferrell landlord skit is very funny. I had my babies pretend to e bunnies. Was very cute.

Purg - it was a much needed hug!

My son built me a Lego camel. It made me
smile.. Even if it was momentarily.

I had a crying fit and was txting my sister during it. I asked her to come over but she said no and that she would call my H. For a brief second I thought.. Good! Then he can see how hurt I am and how the kids are suffering. But I managed to get it together and say no.. I'm fine. Don't call him.

H already knows how much he hurt me. And he will have to figure out how the kids are being affected on his own. For today.. I will take it easy on myself and be gentle with my fragile emotions.

Looking at my babies, they really do give me so much joy. Ok. For them, I have hope. For them I pick myself up and start w/ the DB again.

It ain't over 'til it's over. And it ain't over.

Purg.. If we could.. It would be much more fun to be GALing together than crying

[purgatory]

I'm so proud of you for not telling your sister to call him! That shows how much strength you really have inside you I've been guilty of wanting his mom (who I'm really close to) to call him and tell him when I'm having a melt down.... but I've never asked her.

I'm glad you can find your strength in your kids, like I said- they have all the best of us wrapped up in once adorable package!

GAL together *would* be much more fun than crying it out!!! Vegas is sounding more and more fun!! Maybe this summer??

[sayitaintso]

What has happened to me? I can't believe I'm here! And so weak!

What has happened is that you and I and a lot of us on here are dealing with an incredibly difficult and emotional situation. You are not weak and it is perfectly normal to feel the emotions you were feeling earlier.

Their will be more of these moments and try to remember that although they will come, they will begin to not last as long and become less frequent. You are doing great.


Best!!

[BklynMom]

YES LIKE Sias Said we "are dealing with an incredibly difficult and emotional situation" INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT. Give your self a pat on the back for taking care of your kids every day.

That is awesome that you did not let your sis call your H. Maybe your sis is like mine, she says she wants to help but is generally unavailable. I have stopped going to her. My parents come over whenever I need them. I am so lucky to have them near by.

Now my Alanon friends are a big help too. I try to stick with Alanon people or close friends for playdates. Its easier for me to be comfortable. Even if you are not dealing with alcohol in your life alanon is a great place to go to meet other (mainly woman) who are or have gone through hard times too.

[BFloat]

Thank you purg, SIAS, and bklyn for reminding me I'm not going crazy!! Although my sister is starting to think otherwise.

My mom called after dinner to see how i doing. She had obviously heard of my cry! When she asked if I wanted her to come over I just cried again. After the kids went to bed we watched "the help". Honestly, there have been brief moments where i feel a little bit like myself again. Fleeting.. But it was there.

I always check on my kids sometime during the night to retuck them in.. Or straighten them out.. Tonight I watched their beautiful little faces sleeping and stroked their hair and I thought to myself.. This is what H is missing. But it's a choice he's made to miss it. For me, I cherish these moments knowing that tomorrow, they will have grown just a little bit more.

Life is a series of choices. Love is a choice as well. Tonight I choose to focus that love on my 2 little ones and my mom who has been there since the bomb.

Wow. I sound all better. LOL. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be posting about another emotional meltdown. Get me off!!!

[BFloat]

I think today may be the first time in a looooong time where I have woken up without that impending sense of doom. Could be my Antidepressants kicking in.. Could be because my mom was here.. Or could be because I slept in D2's bed with her again.. Whatever it is.. I'll take I for now.

My kids share a room. My S5 sleeps on the top bunk. He didn't realize I was in bed w/ D. Early in the morning, I heard him shifting around and than whispering.. Dad... Dad.. That was a tug at my heart .

H sent an email last night thanking me for responding to his email. He said he had been very worried about our financial status and hoping that by figuring some things out it will ease the stress. Also said he wants good things for the kids and concerned about their well being. I have not yet replied to that email. Finances is just one factor for the kids well being. What about being
a fulltime dad to meet their emotional well being? But that's neither here nor there.

Time to get S off to school. It's pouring rain. And I'm still standing. That's gotta count for something.

[BFloat]

I feel like I'm going to cry again!

S5 was a little quiet in the car ride to school but denied anything was wrong. When we got to school, he and another boy raced to be first in line and S came in second. And then he had a meltdown. It's so unlike him! He is always so happy and cheerful when he gets to school and sees his friends. Actually, the meltdown at school was second one today. He had one just prior to going to school.

When I asked what was upsetting him so much he said "I don't know". I just told him how much I loved him and that i would be right there after school. This is killing me.

There are moments now where I think, even if H came back now, would I be able to forgive him for the heartache he has caused my babies?

Just had to vent!