hi 25yearsmlc, thanks for offering your insights. you've given me a lot to think about.
i have read michele's divorce remedy a few weeks ago, which is how i managed to stumble onto this site and also when i tried making changes (180's; trying to get detached; etc). since i've been reading through the archives on this site, i've been trying to follow the tips listed above. so for the past 2 weeks, i've almost cold turkey stopped with the relationhip talks, not talking as much in general; restarting old hobbies that have fallen by the wayside; not saying i love you; basically stop pursuing as much as possible. the above tips have been really great because it really breaks down which types of things are considered "pursuing" behavious. unbeknownst to me previously, i'd inadvertantly done almost all the things i'm not supposed to do before i discovered db'ing since i wasn't aware of my pursuing tendencies. i just hope my mistakes in the beginning haven't derailed me from my goals too much.
also, thanks for the reminder that things are still early and i need to be more patient and give things time. patience is definitely not a virtue of mine, but one i hope to develop through this process.
the reason why i had initially thought it might have been important to figure out if what h is going through really is an mlc or not is that i thought it might affect how i respond. i'd been reading other relationship books where they suggest things like showing your spouse more appreciation and affection; not taking your spouse for granted; etc, which are also things i think i need to improve on (since h's love languages are words of affirmation & acts of service). and these things seem to fly a bit in the face of the db rules (detaching; giving lots of space; etc.) and since i've been detaching/giving space for the last 2 weeks with no visible improvement, i wasn't sure if i should keep going or not or trying the other stuff(showing more aprpeciation, etc). from your reply, i think i'll keep trying this for a bit longer (a few more months) and see if there is any progress...
