hi everyone! newbie here....could this be a MLC?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi! I discovered this site a few days ago and have been reading & learning so much. I'm so grateful to everyone who has shared their stories, as it's so reassuring to know that i am not alone.

as some background, my husband and i have been married for 3 years/ together for 8. he just turned 30, and i'm about to turn 30 in a few months. i'd always felt as though i married my best friend and although we always had our share of petty fights and disagreements, i always thought that these were minor and not symptoms of a larger problem. in addition, in the past, i'd always thought we were in agreement wrt to having kids and starting a family.

fairly recently, my husband started displaying many of the characteristics of an MLC, but given his relatively young age (30), i was hoping to get your feedback on if i'm on the right track:

- we've been fighting a lot lately for various reasons, such as he is no longer sure that he ever wanted kids

This is HUGE

and YOU have choices to make regardless of whether he wants in the marriage or out...if he is NOT POSITIVE he wants kids...you have a lot think about. BTW, I had my last child when I was 39 and my sil just had her first, at 51...though she used in vitro...so give yourself 10 years on that.

If your h feels trapped by baby talk, STOP IT...


- he's rewritten our history and has said that he is not sure if he ever loved me or has ever been completely honest with me


this is typical of WAS and MLC...I really think spending energy on whether this is MLC is a waste of time.

Your course of action is identical in both cases. Plus I don't believe MLCs are actually more likely to reconcile anyhow. And wondering what is going on with HIM takes the focus off of what you can control...which is YOU...

- says that he's felt burdened his entire childhood (had to take care of his family financially when he was younger) and does not want to be furthered burdened by a family (wife & kids)
- not sure if he wants to be married
- says that he wants to be alone


Needs lots of space...enough so that memories of good times can resurface. The more you challenge his choices, the more he'll defend them. Don't argue. I'll post the 37 rules Assembled by Sandi at some point...


- currently acts as though he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. we'd always been a loving, close couple and now he flinches when i get close physically. rolls eyes & acts annoyed when I try to engage him in conversation.
- says that he is angry all the time lately (but this seems to be directed just at me)
- says that i am too needy & clingy (sees this as an added burden to him)


do 180s on this and physical touch...back off...seriously. You were always solely responsible for your happiness.

Don't make him think your life or happiness is HIS responsibility...it's not and never was.

Learn to be happy on your own. IT's attractive and healthy...


- even though I have said that i will work on my issues, this does not seem to make a difference to him.


You "SAID" you "WILL" --what have you actually done that is different?

And you've barely been here 2 weeks?? Um, look at my signature block for a real timeline. Your h has not had nearly enough time to digest whether you CAN change, let alone whether you will or if it's just a tactic to get him back...or a real change in you...

- says he is not sure what will make him happy and thinks that being alone will be the solution to this

i guess my question is: how can i tell if this is truly a MLC or if this is just the normal breakdown of a marriage for reasons that have nothing to do with MLC/psychological reasons?

does Not matter which...don't take your eye off the ball. You think by labeling his behavior it means...what?

YOU control only YOU so work on being a strong independent woman who knows she's a good catch.

Be a woman only a fool would leave.

reasons why i think this may not be an MLC situation:

-he does not seem like he is depressed (he is functioning pretty well at work and socially & is friendly and normal to other people). the only person he is lashing out at is me.
- his age is a lot younger than most MLC situations
- there does not seem to be anyone else


to be honest, i'm kind of hoping that this IS an mlc situation, because I still love my husband so much, and this way, i have hope that he can get over this, and we can still have a future together.

I won't comment further on the issue of whether it's MLC-no I don't think it is. But I also don't believe it matters a whit...

most days, i feel like this is such a small thing and that with some adjustments on both our parts, we can still be happy.

the "small thing" is his NOT wanting children and you feeling ready for it? That's NOT small...that's grounds for annulment in most states...its a BIG deal...why minimize it?


but he seems to think this is a BIG thing, and can not be solved so easily. he has been spending a lot of time alone trying to figure out this "problem," which he has not been able to articulate to me.

thanks in advance for any insights you may have!!!

what are your 180s? Have you read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books yet?

If not, do so asap...and here are the 37 rules assembled by Sandi for newbies...


FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.



I would add to this another way of saying what you've heard. But the fastest way to kill a relationship is by constantly taking its' temperature. Don't ask "how we're doing NOW??" And Don't highlight your changes.

Two weeks is nothing. At a minimum, give your h a month of real changes in you for each year of your relationship...that's 8 months of consistent change in YOU.

consistent change + sufficient time = change HE can believe in.

If you become the best YOU that you can, then leave the results up to God.

If your h still leaves, you'll survive...and thrive. But for now, do your work on you and take the focus off of him.