I totally understand how my H got to an "empty tank." I like you, had a lot of anger. I have made a lot of progress on that front thanks to MY efforts and work at anger management - for ALL my relationships.
In my R with H, we both suffered from the "being right" bad arguing dynamics. What you said about it totally resonates for me. I now try to validate and show him RESPECT. How? By not arguing and taking into account his opinions. I show that I am thinking of them and try to say frequently "you are right" or "that makes sense." If I don't agree, I usually drop it or say something like "that's interesting, I'll have to think about it."
A frequent backslide for me is trying to defend myself. I see this as another form of proving myself right. I believe this comes from a lack of true detachment. I care what H thinks, therefore, I try to defend to convince him and again, be right. So more work to do on that.
My dilemma is really on the 180s - I neglected and abused him with my anger for a loooong time. Going dark would not be very different from what he had received from me. His main LL is physical affection, but how to show affection and regain intimacy? The most he lets me is a hug (on occasion) when he leaves. He is always so careful not to get near me - physically or emotionally for fear that I might misinterpret his intentions and because he doesn't want to betray OW.
So what would the 180s look like in this situation?
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
