I am a 36 year old male who has been married for 15 years to my HS Sweetheart (dating for 19 years!!). In our first couple years of marriage we had some difficulties due to a couple of one night stands I was involved in. I immediately fessed up and we tried to work through things the best we could. Things seemed to be just fine for the next 10 years.
After our daughter was born in 2004, W started experiencing symptoms of depression. I asked if it was due to my earlier infidelity which she denied for the next 7 years. We would have infrequent arguments in which I admitedly was not the nicest and was on rare occassion considered by her to be verbally abusive.
Early last year after struggling with multiple medications and still not admitting to me that she felt emotionally abused and still holding my infidelity against me, she began a long term affair of her own. She carried this on in secret but I knew something was wrong and immediately began making positive changes to try to win her back.
I thought we would succeed after she finally admitted the affair and committed to end it and give 100% to saving our marriage. We continued individual counseling and began marriage counseling. This began in September and seemed to be going well. We ended up having another "fight" just before the holidays.
We had a session with the old marriage counselor before we left on vacation. We had renewed our intimacey prior to this and continued through the vacation. We had a very good vacation and a great New Year trip. All through these trips she indicated that she was happy and loved me and was committed to the relationship. She said that she was the happiest she had been in a long time on New Years. When the clock struck Midnight she kissed me and looked in my eyes and told me she loved me. The one thing she got depressed about on vacation was about her parents and her Father's verbal and emotional abuse of her mom. She said she was ready to go home a couple days early. We also celebrated our 15th anniversary and I gave her a diamond necklace and a card that spoke about soul-mates.
When we returned home, her first day back to work included a trip to her individual counselor. She came home somewhat down and was talking about being tired of our marriage being tentative.
The next day was much better and we were intimate that night and she again expressed her love for me. The next day however, she returned home from a bad day at work and later that night told me that she wanted to leave me again.
I am fairly certain that there is not OM at this time. I believe that she is clinically depressed or has a hormone imbalance. She finally visited a psychopharmacologist last night who confirmed that she is suffering from severe depressive disorder. He also told her that her primary nurse practicioner had been mismanaging her meds previously. She had been on a child's dose of Celxa to treat anxiety. W told me last night that she hopes the new meds will help. I exclaimed that I hoped so too. She then knifed me with the words that just being happy won't change how she feels about us!
I have assured her the I will not revert to what she considers verbal abuse in our fights. I drew a line in the sand and told her that I would leave at her request if I did. I have done almost all of the work to save the marriage to date and to no avail.
She has very little concern for how this disaster will effect our S (11) and D (7) and believes that her true happiness lies in leaving me. She has told different versions of the truth to her individual counselor, our former marriage counselor (she fired her), and to me. She has me on a yo-yo. I feel that she has an alterior motive that no one, including her individual counselor knows about.
I am about to the point where the last resort technique is in order. I am crushed and know that the marriage can prevail and be happy...problem is that she doesn't. The only thing holding her back by a thread is the kids. She told me yesterday that her goals in marriage counseling (new counselor)had changed and that her goal was to negotiate an amicable divorce! I think her individual counselor is prodding her in that direction...
I am totally confused because she says that she still loves me and that we are best friends! She says she just doesn't believe that the changes I have made and promised will last.
There are moments when she seems to be considering giving it a go and I see a hint of indecision in her eyes. When she is up, she is up. But when she is down, she is really down...
I told her recently that I am scared of her. She asked "why? because I am volatile, because of my anger, because of the roller coaster I am on?...I said all of the above.
HELP! I am so confused...I don't know what to do!!! I am so down but I am doing everything I can to fight for our marriage and stay optimistic but my resolve is getting crushed by her daily...I am about to give up. _________________________
H 36, W 35, M 15 S 11 D 7 Bomb 08/03/2011 2nd Bomb 01/04/2012 3rd Bomb 04/26/2012 Divorced 07/23/2012
You are getting great support in the newcomers forum. This is a duplicate post and while you may feel having support in multiple areas will help get better support, it actually detracts from the support as not everyone (including yourself) is able to stay on the same page.
I'll post the link to your active thread in newcomers and I have also posted some things to consider on that thread.
