I'm not sure how to navigate through replying with conversations in dialogue boxes, and different posters in different colors. I labeled this the best I could. Hope it isn't too hard to follow. I really need/want support right now and I would love any feedback.
Thanks 25yearsmlc for your feedback and support - keep it coming please. I feel like I am drowning!!
Me: OMG, I REALLY need help!! My H came home from out of town last night and the girls were so happy to see him. They visited and caught up, then went to bed. He asked if I wanted to come "see" him. He said he had been gone for 3 days and I didn’t even offer to come to him. I told him that I didn’t want to push and wasn’t sure he wanted me to. I did go in there and we talked a little, and then ended up making love. It was great. Afterwards, I went into the den to watch TV for a while and he came in there before going to bed and said “good night” and gave me a kiss on the head. I told him I was glad he was home and he said “I’m glad I’m home too”.
This morning, I had a glimmer of hope that he was in a different place. I even felt a little happy/hopeful. Well, I went to work and he texted me this:
H: I think us being together sexually is sending you mixed messages. It may not be a good idea to keep doing that. I don’t want to cause you anymore hurt than it is already. Me: Please don’t say that. What happened? H: Nothing happened; I just don’t want you thinking anything is going to change. We are selling the house this summer and I’m moving on with my life. You need to start doing the same and if we are still having sex, you are still looking at it like we are still together and we are not. I’m filing for a divorce. Me: I would rather us stay together and work things out, and I understand what you have said. I love you and am committed to making things better. I don’t want you to settle, I am changing myself for the better. When I hit rock bottom I realized nothing more than that I love you. I have made so many mistakes and for that I am truly sorry. I love you and am committed to making things better. I don’t want you to settle. I let the important things get buried and I treated you badly, I am so sorry. If I could erase that, I would. If nothing else, but for our girls, let’s try. Don’t we owe them that? I know you said they will be fine. But don’t we want them to be better than fine? Shouldn’t we want them to have it all? H: Stop! End of text conversation I felt like I was being swallowed by the walls in my office, I had to leave and am now at home.
Me previous post: Well this has been a rough week. And things aren't looking any better.
25yearsmlc: We still need SPECIFIC examples of HIS complaints. What do you mean about jealousy and being "mean" to him? Were you affectionate before the bomb?
Me: His complaints are that "I never really loved him", "I wanted to be married and have children and he was the way to that", "I don't love him, just the idea of being married and having a family", "I have made him choose between his family/friends and me", "I control him and don't want him to have his own life". We were okay, not great before the bomb. We argued a lot over little things. I had become so stuck in being “angry” and “miserable” that I took it all out on him. I wasn’t his friend, much less wife, by any means. That is what I meant about cruel. I would rake him over the coals often, unfairly. Looking in retrospect, I can imagine how that must have felt. I’m not sure how that even happened, but he became my “stomping grounds” and I let that become the norm. I often rejected being intimate because I was angry, tired, etc. Again, looking back I never knew how much that hurt him and how much he needed me. He has a very odd work schedule and began sleeping in the spare room so he could rest and not disturb us when he got up in the wee hours to go to work. Also, I allowed our girls to come sleep in our bed (much to his dislike) and he felt there wasn’t enough room for him. I let this happen, what kind of fool am I????
25yearsmlc: What did HE SAY to you when he dropped the bomb? Also what kind of father is he?
Me: We were in a heated argument because he had left his email account open on the computer and I had looked at it. Like I said before, I am super jealous and have little self-confidence. He never gave me any reason to distrust him, I just did. He saw that I had looked an was irate – he took his wedding ring off and said he was done. He was so matter-of-fact and cold. He said that he had enough and that he was tired of living in a loveless marriage and he was too young to feel like he does (38 yo) and that he wants more from his life. Of course, I begged and pleaded – apologized that I looked. Told him I would change, etc. etc. etc. He heard none of it and we have been on this path since. That was Christmas night. He said he would stay here until the summer so that our 9yo could finish her school year, then he would sell the house and we would go our separate ways. He had it all mapped out in his head. Very cold, distant, emotionless. HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is a terrific daddy. He loves those girls and they love him. He works A LOT and often is not home, available to go do things, etc. Also, when he's off he is burnt out from so much working and wants to relax.
25yearsmlc: These^^^ questions MUST be answered more fully before we can give our best advice to you.
The more we know about the behaviors YOU want to change in YOURSELF, (b/c you are the only variable here that YOU control)
Me: Since reading the books and reading here on the post, I have attempted the 180, I have tried not to push, tried to “act as if” and GAL. He sees it all as being “fake nice” and that it is an act, which will not last. He said “the only time you ever want me, is when you think your losing me.”
25yearsmlc: then the better 180s we can suggest, etc.
You do NOT want to fuel his negatives, and if jealousy or coldness were two complaints, don't be jealous or cold...overtly at least.
Me previous post: My H ----- He packed his things and just left. I didn't show any emotion, and this is not like me at all. Typically I would have thrown a fit, cried, asked tons of questions, etc.
25yearsmlc: well that's^^ new behavior. Not sure if it's what your goal was, but being less predictable is a good thing, generally. Curious...why would it be "typical" of you to throw a fit, cry or ask questions?
Me: Out of fear, I suppose. I wouldn’t have wanted him to go without me. I would have been scared.
25yearsmlc: Do you have medical insurance? it's a GREAT idea to see a counselor or shrink at this time, to help identify your own personal issues, and to work on them AND if need be, get on some meds. Being able to sleep at night and NOT obsess or lose control of your emotions is mandatory.
Me: I do have medical insurance; have seen a counselor 2x through EAP at work. He is the one that referred me to the DR and DB books. I see him this Thursday. He is a LPC, no med talk. I don’t think he can prescribe.
25yearsmlc: "Losing it", helps NO ONE and undermines your efforts...there's no shame in getting help when you need to. I've been there and done it and I thank God it was available to me.
Me previous post: He said he needs to be away for a few days to visit family/friends and to have a quiet and relaxing weekend. I am a basket case. My D9 cried like a baby when he left. She has never done that and it broke my heart. He looked affected by that and still left.
25yearsmlc: My h drove off with all 3 of his kids and me in the driveway watching. He smiled and waved...like he was in a different "movie" altogether. The fact that your h was affected by d9 is good BUT try not to manipulate things so that she is more involved than she already will be....it's hard, but necessary to remember this.
Me previous post: Before he left he hugged and kissed the girls and surprisingly me too. He said that he would call and that we could call him. He forwarded me an email of his hotel confirmation.
25yearsmlc: All good^^^...nothing horrible in this, given the givens.
Me previous post: He will be gone until Monday night and I don't know how I am going to make it.
25yearsmlc: Here's how. You will start by turning your pain and anger and FEAR, over to God. Say it in the shower and I mean, at least 50 times. Thinking it, saying it and hearing it WILL help it sink in.
Sounds gimmicky but it helped me not lose it when my h called. Plus, frankly, my anger was consuming ME and hurting my life and my kids...so I had to let it go.
You will exercise in some form and get outdoors EVERYDAY (I lived in Alaska and did this in the winter, at least for 30 minutes and it truly does help.
You will find overcoming your inertia is the hardest part with it but you won't regret it.
You will post here and you will GAL.
Yes I did stand up comedy and auditioned for community theater roles and met cool people and yes, I got cast. (Later I did some commercials and got roles in some films, so there you go).
I went sky diving for my birthday.
I took a pottery class, a French class and an Italian cooking class.
Joined the Officer's Wives club, which I wish I had done years before. So helpful.
Learned how to cross country ski, shoot/hunt and fish for serious fish.
Went snowmobiling, hiking, etc even in the winter whenever there was some light.
Got IN SHAPE!!! working out-major ego boost and helped my endorphins.
Used a tanning booth (hey, skin cancer is bad but so is depression in the dark)
saw a shrink and got on some anti-depressants and they helped...
Took flying lessons and got a pilot's license.
Volunteered at woman's shelter and got on the board of director's (resume value).
Made friends with parents of my kids' friends...meet at sports events or the kids' hobbies. Combines well with playdates and you will have more in common with them than you know.
Went back to church
Joined a writer's group.
There's more but you get the point. Most of these were free for me. ALL helped me.
And I had a newborn at the time.
Your pain is deep and real But it is not eternal and it is not fatal.
You will survive. And you WILL learn to thrive, with or without your h....
Me previous post: His cousin that I talked about in my first post (that I think is influencing him) is one of the people he is going to visit. I am scared to death he will come back home with a passion to leave. The thing that terrifies me is that I don't know any of the family/friends he is going to visit - all "new found" relatives through face book.
25yearsmlc: B/C you have no control over ANY of this, you have to let it go...your life will be permanently better when you learn how to do this.
Me previous post: I am so scared and it's getting the best of me that he will be surrounded by folks that don't know me or the whole situation, but will encourage him and hype it up that he should leave, that he's doing the right thing, that I deserve to be left, etc. I feel like I have nobody and no "advocates" in my corner.
25yearsmlc: hey what are we, chopped liver? Seriously, again, let go of what you cannot control....
Me: No offense meant. The delay in my post getting actually posted and then read and feedback seems excruciatingly long. I really need/want support right now. I wish there was a way to instant message or private message on person.
25yearsmlc: When I realized my anger was hurting ME and my kids, I realized what you must now realize.
Your d's need you...NOW. If they lose their dad to divorce they'll need you more, not less.
Be there for them...now. We'll help you and so will your GAL and 180s...but only you can be their mother.
Make no mistake. Your daughters are watching you and they will reflect what they see you project.
Show them you are a strong dignifed woman who is not too proud to admit her flaws or work on them.
When they face their own setbacks (and they will b/c life does that) they will know what it looks like to be a woman of grace. YOU will have taught them.
Me previous post: I really am feeling so alone, scared and desperate. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about any of this. I am trying to practice DBing and it is so hard. I only want to cry all the time.
My D's are what keep me going.
25yearsmlc: Understood...call about seeing a counselor...get some help. You need and deserve it and your daughter's need an available mother.
Plus you want your h to see you stronger, not weaker.
What were you like when you met?
Me: strong, confident, full of energy and fun. Now I feel nothing but pain.
Me previous post: How in the world am I going to get through this weekend? I secretly want the drive time (about 5 hours) to be a time where he can think and realize the mistake he is making.
He still hasn't been willing to say much about our R. I haven't brought it up and neither has he.
25yearsmlc: Good...don't. And when you make the changes, make them real. The times you started to change but then reverted, shows that the "changes" were really just tactics to get him back.
Do you get that? So what are YOU going to change, for real?
Me: The changes I have made, to not argue, not nag, not control and be obsessed with his every move. Not be threatened by his friends/family/hobbies, to be more sexual and attentive to his needs (If he decides to have sex with me again) are permanent. I will continue doing these things. By no means do I think I have mastered them or that they are set in stone. I will continue making them a priority and doing them.
My biggest fear is with such a steadfast stance, closed mind and heart and the fact that he has everything all mapped out on a course, makes me feel like he will NEVER see the changes or care about them. I know change will help me too, regardless of outcome. But, of course my mindset right now is to reconcile or at least be on that path. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I am drowning. I have rarely, if ever, not know what to do in my life situations. I don’t like this feeling of not being in control and not knowing what he is thinking, feeling, etc. Other than the cold hard facts he throws in my face. Me previous post: This is killing me. I have lost everything and it seems so futile to do the little things I am doing. He doesn't seem to notice or care.
25yearsmlc: Stop mindreading and stop projecting negative things. Put a STOP SIGN in your mind when the negatives start festering in you.
Change topics or get busy or whatever. But stop "looping around the freeway, take the exit ramp to a scenic overlook" and THINK....
Me previous post: PLEASE help me get through this weekend. I need some support in a BAD way!!!!!
