Almost Separated, but far from Giving up.

[Elmo]

One other question, should I tell people that we are separated? I've been avoiding church because I don't want to tell our friends there. One of my co-workers also lives on the street that my wife moved to. I'm just waiting for him to ask me something--I don't know what to do.

[~ kd ~]

Don't hide it is the best advice I can give. Withholding is a form of lying and people can see through it.

If someone is brave enough to broach the subject or simply ask about you and your W, a good way to approach it is head on, with as few words as possible:

Them: "So how are things with you and your W?"

You: "We've hit a rough patch. I would rather not talk about it, due to the personal nature."

Leave it at that. If they press, hold your ground and physically leave their company if they will not respect your boundaries.

Anything you might say could be interpreted differently than you intended and shared without your consent which can have negative consequences.

That's not to say that you might want to share. Know who you can trust and share only positive as much as possible. Conduct yourself with solutions based mentality. If any chosen friend you share with cannot support your pro-M discussion, then stop sharing with them.

[Elmo]

That's a great insight Kaffe. I'll take that advice.

[Elmo]

So W called me this am at 9:15. I was already at work and busy, and let it go to vm. She didn’t leave a message but texted me to tell me that the separation agreement is ready, and she wants to coordinate me looking at it. She then emailed me from work asking me if I got her text. I’m going to let this one cook, and try a 180 for a while.

The atty was full of blarney—he said it would be done last week Friday, and he said he would email it to me. I should have known by the disheveled, disorganized nature of his office that deadlines, and things he said could be taken for good.

I’m going to try this 180 for the time being. I’m not going to answer the phone when she calls, but will check vm immediately if she leaves one. If the content of her communication has nothing to do with our d, then I’m not going to get back to her right away.

As for this separation agreement, I’ll let that one sit for 24 hours. I’m afraid that doing that is going to anger her…which isn’t the result we want. As I understand the 180, we are trying to do the opposite of what our s thinks we would normally do. So if they have a certain stereotype that we always get mad when talking about x…and she starts talking about x, and I don’t get mad, but smile and laugh…that’s a 180. My 180 in this situation is, I’m always responding when she calls, by answering the phone right away…I’m always there at her beck and call. Now I’m not going to do that anymore, because we’re separated, and I have other things going on. So the goal here is to pique her interest as to what I’m doing because I’m not responding right away. So I’m not even sure if what I’m doing is a 180. I guess it is, but I’m afraid it will back-fire…whatever, I’ll try it anyway.

I definitely will not respond negatively if she calls me tonight/tomorrow and is rip-roaring mad. I’ll just smile and tell her I was really busy. Thoughts?

[Elmo]

So I caved. She called my cell again during lunch time, then my office phone. I answered when she called the office phone. She sounded upbeat and positive, she asked me if I got the text, I told her sorry I hadn’t responded back, I was busy.

She asked if she could drop by the separation agreement at work, but then offered to let me pick it up tonight at her place. I took the second option, that would give me the opportunity to see my d, and hang out for a while. So much for getting a life, but it will be an opportunity to have more positive interaction.

[~ kd ~]

A rule of thumb is wait 48 hours before responding. It gives you time to process and also ensures you aren't reacting which can either be harmful or it can otherwise be hurtful to your interests.

I don't remember, are you using the same atty? If so, then if the office said it would be sent to you, never mind your W's request to get to it. Due process my friend, let it cook on the atty's desk and in the mail. No need to rush.

Any time my W has something she wants to tell me, I have instructed her to let me know by email. It keeps a physical record of communications. Also, if she asks to meet or to get stuff to me, I choose a location that IS NOT my apartment nor my office. I have not yet given her permission to enter my personal space. I still need my privacy for emotional protection, but the border is shrinking these days...

SA is of course not D. It still doesn't mean you have to rush anything. Everything should have a deadline for you to get things processed. Take what ever time you need to check for dotted Ts and crossed Is.

In the mean time, when she's persistently attempting to contact her, nonchalantly let her know that personal communication at work is frowned upon and you also have a whole lot of "get a life" happening and will make sure to schedule her in... next Tuesday... But MAKE SURE you are GALing if you say you are.

[Elmo]

I signed the separation agreement, and she picked it up at the house yesterday while I was out skiing with a friend. I called her when I got home last night and offered to swing by and watch our d for a little while. She said she didn't need to go out and do anything that she was ok.

But I called her this afternoon and she offered to drop our d by the house so she could go out and do a little shopping. when she came back, she told me that she wanted to stop wearing her wedding band and asked me if I wanted it back.

I told her that was fine and took mine off as well. I didn't backslide that badly, I told her I guess this means we start seeing other people. Was that her plan? She said she didn't know, but said that we were separated.

I said, yes we're separated but we are still married. I said, I took my vows seriously. I didn't go into greater detail, but basically implied that I wasn't going to sleep with someone else.

I stayed calm though and didn't fly off the handle in anyway. But she forgot something of my d's and came back to the door. At that point I asked her for her keys to the house, again in a calm manner, then without missing a beat, after she gave them to me, and asked for the spare key to her car, which I gave to her.

Then she said good-bye and left.

I just got off the phone with my D--just needed someone to talk to. Thank goodness he was there.

So what do I do? Did I do wrong? Should I have asked her to continue wearing the ring, or should I have told her to hang on to them?

Should I continue to wear my wedding band? My dad said I should, I think I should too. I also think I should give the keys back to her, in case of emergencies.

[~ kd ~]

What you need to decide is what YOU want...

Rings are an often discussed subject. Many WAS take the rings off, even before anything is signed. The want to be single and it is likely some sign of independence for them. But that ring could come off, then go back on, then off again... you would do best not to read anything into that. She'll have her reasons that may have nothing to do with you and guesses are likely to be wrong.

Your choice to wear the ring or not, is up to you. The question is, why wear the ring or why take it off? If you are doing it because of your W, then don't... there is no right thing but if you want to wear it because there is no legal D, yet... then so be it. Just don't do it as a statement TO your W, or a statement ABOUT your W to anyone else...

I hope that makes sense...

You pursued her in the conversation. Something that isn't recommended in DBing. The reaction and words you got from your W are standard, given the givens...

Also, your W may have interpreted what you said differently, but there is something in how you describe the interaction with your W as angry and punitive... might want to look at that and work on it if it's true...

Also, after pursuing her with the first convo, now you are considering pursuing her by giving her the keys back and possibly putting the ring back on...

Your sitch is fresh and you are reacting a lot and you are pursuing a lot...

If you hope to save your M, which certainly is still possible... you need to detach and really get to work on yourself...

What are some other 180s or GAL that you might do?

[Elmo]

Thanks Kaffe.

I've thought a little deeper, and I'm not giving the key back (at least not until she decides to come home, if she ever does), I will continue to wear my wedding band, because I am still married, and I took those vows seriously. Although I have to say it's been nearly four months since I last had relations (trying to keep this g-rated) with my wife, and the thought of at least going out with other women is tempting--I know this is flirting with adultery, but I don't use drugs or alcohol anymore, so I know I wouldn't put myself in the sort of situation where I could slip up. The truth is, I don't want to cheat on my wife--so I guess I should just man-up and work on myself. Besides, going out with other women right now is just going to serve to puff up my ego, and distract me from my goal which is to create positive change in my life, and if my wife comes back to me, that will be icing on the cake.

Also, I'm not going to call her for at least a week. If she calls me, she'll get my voicemail. I won't reply to her unless it has something to do with our d.

As for GAL and 180....

I guess I really need to get back on the GAL train. I would like to find better work, so I've been looking, but I must say that looking for work is no fun when your marraige is going great, let alone in a separation.

Earlier, I had been doing more exercise and had been staying more active. I guess I could start focusing on that again. It may sound nerdy, but I started going to a chess club at my local library.

I have been reading a lot. I don't like television, so I don't watch that. But I could probably try to rent some uplifting, funny movies.

I need to keep doing things with my friends--I may try to go skiing during the week--just to get out of the house. There's a lot I can do.

Kaffe, again, thanks for being there. It's good to know that i can reach out and get feedback so quickly.

Tonight I was fighting back the negative thoughts after my wife left, and I thought, "I feel like I wasted a lot of time and money on the DB thing." But then I realized that so much of what I've learned here, will help me in the second half of my current marriage, or will help me have a great second marriage. I've learned skills of how to more successfully be a better person, and ergo, a better husband. I'm still a good person.

I forgive my wife, I forgive everyone, and most importantly I forgive myself. We are forgiven.

I need to keep in touch with my family, and other friends too I guess, and perhaps find some more clubs to join. I used to do toastmasters a lot, which I really enjoyed. I'll have to look into that.

[Elmo]

I think it was Lucinda Basset's course, the Anxiety and Depression course, that said, just because a day doesn't start out that well, doesn't mean it has to end badly.

This morning around 10-11AM I had a little bit of a feeling that my heart was breaking a little. I felt trapped in my work, and my wife, someone with whom I invested everything, is now gone. I dreaded the thought of going home to an empty house, and sitting there with nothing to do other then read and clean.

So I decided instead of going straight home, I went to a yoga class and felt much better after that. I think I needed some exercise that would re-center myself. So that helped a great deal, and now I'm at home, in an empty house, but I have a different perspective on things.

Buddhism talks about Samsara (hell basically), and Nirvana (Heaven) being the exact same thing, it's just how you look at it. So I know a lot of us are seemingly going through tough times. But they don't have to be that tough if we take care of ourselves, and get a life.

I still haven't put my wedding ring back on, I felt somewhat odd today going about business without it. I guess I'll have to go put it back on tonight.