Had a good discussion with my W this morning. She was talking about how her lifeling traumas and patterns of behavior led to her breakdown.
When she spoke about our M she said that this has not been an issue of questioning her love for me before or after the bomb, but more of her trying to break the bonds of the trauma and trying to find a way to live an authentic life, free of the fear and defensiveness.
She said she is not sure that she has ever truly lived fully in our relationship because of this. Not that she doesn't love me but her fears and defensiveness caused her to only be able to let go in limited areas. She said her issues caused her to live in only certain ways that she thought she could have control over and that this was not healthy for her, me or the kids. She spoke about being constantly controlled by her lifelong trauma and it warped so much of how she lived with us, but does recognize the core of love at the base of this.
She is now trying on ways of living without the fears, without the demons and there's a lot of ground to cover. She's wondering if she is capable of being in a relationship fully, the way that she sees I can with her.
We spoke about what is the best environment to accomplish this for her. Was/is it necessary for her to leave everything so as to find a place to work on this with no pressure. She felt (and I agree) that the Eat,Pray, Love answer is in effect running away and maybe the strong thing to do is face it all, all the while still being part of the M as much as she can, and still be here as a Mom. This does seem to be working for her but gets tough at times because she sees that is difficult for me in the meantime and she feels I deserve better.
We ended up agreeing that there is still a core of love beneath this issue and it makes sense to keep plugging away.
I honestly don't know if she will get to the same place as me. That is to be fully open to love and all it entails - trust, risk, openness, a degree of fearlessness, the daily obligations for practical stuff.
What do you guys think? I value your input so much. Thanks.
