CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE!

[angel61]

25,

I know what you mean! I didn't even mean to imply confronting the OW, more of the problem (and maybe her H). That is why I gave the example of my sitch (I did not confront OW initially, the first time I talked to OW was when I thought that they had already broke up their EA, and that did not work well, I think it was part of what made them continue contact clandestinely) - I used to agonize whether I did the right thing or not, but in the end I think I did....I would not have learned my lessons had I not faced the problem head on.

One of the things about problem solving, you have to know what the problem is. So in Abbey's case, at this point there is no evidence, the problem is still in her mind, right? Can she even prove that he is lying? What if he really had work to do in San Marcos? What if she is just a paranoid person? Even if she cuaght her H lying, how does she really know that he has an A? What will she do about it? Can she DB at this point, when he has not even dropped a bomb yet?

Maybe gather evidence first? At least then Abbey will know for sure. Then she will know what to do - whether it be to confront her H on whats happening (without even mentioning OW), or just plan to be better than OW and spice up her M. Maybe she can say (or write) something like:

"H, I know we have been married for XX amount of years, and I have been really happy and content but I do notice that you are changing. We no longer have sex, etc. etc...Is there anything wrong (this is just in essence, but there are many ways to write it).

If I remember the DR book, it does say that you can try writing about your problem to your spouse, request changes, explanations, honesty, etc. The example there was the drinking? I don't have the book with me right now but I will check tonite and post tomorrow.