Thanks so much to both KD and huh for the great and prompt replies. I know I'm going to be one of these guys that's going to need to hear the same message time and time again, from my therapist, my coach, my parents and my 1 or 2 close friends who really believe in this.
It's just so discouraging at times when you sit there solo, dealing with all the BS that has to be dealt with during a separation just to keep the whole circus afloat financially and practically. And, you say to yourself: "WAS, you're soooo unhappy that you'd choose this disaster over ending this crutch of a relationship with whomever and making our marriage what it could be?" Even though I know many of the ways in which we drifted apart and allowed it to happen, I ask myself how could she think that there is a better alternative through divorce (this is by the way her second marriage, shouldn't she know how un-fun that is (and that was without kids involved))? And of course, the worst of all is when I see the family photos around my new place and think: "was it all a lie? Was I crazy to think we were happy? I mean, we spent a MONTH on vacation as a family this summer in Italy. Yes we had the kids but we had a sitter many times too. It was romantic (I thought), relaxing (I thought), fun (I thought) and connected (I thought).
The hardest part for me is just to let go of the outcome. I know (and I mean I really know) what needs to be done on my end to make myself a better person. I really know that this is necessary to become the person I can be and should have been for a long time. So I get it intellectually that this is for me, regardless of the outcome. But what makes it so tough is to let go out my desire for the outcome I want and to release the fear that if this doesn't work, that it will somehow reflect that I failed.
Sorry for babbling on but this is so new and so distracting I can hardly think of anything else at this moment. Thanks again for listening and for the advice.
