This is week 2 of the separation. I feel fairly lonely. I’ve been trying to get a life. I had buddies over on Saturday night to play poker. It was fun, but after they left the loneliness came back to visit. Luckily it was after midnight when they left and I fell asleep very quickly. I’ve been trying to meditate this week and have been trying to focus on loving kindness, and focusing positive energy towards my wife.
I have been thinking about writing her a letter entitled, “What I’ll do in my next marriage.” The purpose of that letter will be to identify all the things I did wrong, and what I won’t do the next time around. The letter will not be an attempt to reason or plead or beg. It will simply be an acknowledgment of the fact that we are done and what I’ve learned from this experience. I’m afraid that violates one of the DB rules, but I think she really values notes written to her. So I feel like instinctually it’s the right thing to do. What do you think?
The meeting with the attorney was really nothing to worry about. Like a typical lawyer he did all the talking, and I just sat across the table from her and smiled and looked tranquil. At one point when he stood up and left the room I was smiling at her and she she said “What.” With a little smile on her face. I said, “Nothing, and looked away.” I should have said, “Nothing, you look nice, that’s all.”
It was strange when the attorney started talking about child support. The calculation the state uses is totally antiquarian. I felt like I was in a Monty Python scene—comedy of the absurd. I think my wife was a little shocked at the intricacies of it too.
When we were walking out, there was another couple in the waiting room to see the attorney, they looked like they were there to finalize a divorce. They both looked sad and frightened. I smiled at them on the way out. I hope it showed them that this isn’t the end of the world.
I’m trying to focus on being more positive and upbeat, but I’m still crying once to twice a week. I guess that’s OK, if I’m releasing negative energy, but perhaps I need more laughter in my life right now to help keep my spirits up. Perhaps I can find some funny books to read, or motivational material to read.
This is a different game now that she’s moved out; the stakes are higher. I read some things online saying that a separation can be the best thing for a marriage, but I’m still afraid that she really no longer wants to be married to me. I guess I have to be ready for that.
I have noticed some positive things, although they seem so small I almost feel like we’ll never get to reconciliation—despite that I am not going to do anything to throw away all the hard work and progress I’ve made on this. Positives:
1. She offered me some food when I was last over at her house picking up our daughter. This was shortly after I commented on how nice her hair looked. I did take her up on the offer. 2. While sitting in the attorney’s waiting room last week, she started the conversation in a positive way. I was just sitting there with a smile on my face—just being positive. Of course we didn’t talk much, but it was good for her to start the conversation in a positive way.
I’m not ready to do the LRT, or go dark (that’s not easy to do when you have a child in the picture) yet. My plan is to wait until June of this year, that will mark seven months of me being the new me—the me who doesn’t let his fear, anger, and guilt rule his actions. If she’s still angling to divorce, at that point, I will take of my wedding band and tell her I’m going to start pursuing other women.
I read some of the happy endings on the other part of the forum, but:
If anyone has anyone has gone through the darkness of a separation and made it out the other side to reconcile and start back on the road to repair, I’d love to read your story. Thanks a bunch.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
