Wife wants to separate - my story (long post)

[canguy]

in the last 60 days how many conversations have you and W had about your marriage? who has initiated them usually? is there a pattern to the course and outcome of these conversations?

Before Dec 11th (she announced she wanted to separate) we did not talk about the marriage. We had a great summer where everything was back, but then in the fall I fell back into emotional eating, she pulled away and we did not communicate about what was happening. My stbxw did not want to have our long conversations about problems, so she did not bring it up. I did not either, since I was afraid she would say she wanted to leave, as she'd done this twice before. Clearly, communication is an issue. I am the better communicator, while my stbxw tends to hold things in and they fester (what I describe as retention issues). The only pattern has been my stbxw wanted to leave, and this time, that I was scared to say anything that would lead to her saying she wanted to separate.

That's been the most frustrating thing, to know we have so many things going for us that many married couples would kill for, yet she doesn't 1) feel in love, 2) want to have sex (with me or anyone), 3) she doesn’t want to "fail" again by giving this another try (but isn’t marriage a team effort?), 4) feels she needs time and space to figure things out and address her personal issues, 5) figure out if the problem is me, her or as she puts it “her with me or me with her” and 6) decide if her career is more important that the marriage or me. She has told me we may end up back together but there are no guarantees, but we are about to face some major disruptions to our lives with her moving to an apartment next week and our putting the house up for sale. I have sent her many messages and asked her to reconsider, that I felt it was a mistake, that I knew we could make it through this together… but this is the third time she has said she is no longer in love with me and the second time she has wanted to leave the marriage.

none of us has a divining rod to read other people's minds or know the future course of events. and in the day to day trenches of this intense relationship uncertainty, things can get even more confusing and uncertain. people don't always mean what they say or say what they mean.

She does seem uncertain. When I show I am willing to move on, she panics. I feel she is uncertain and confused, yet determined this is something she needs to do. I am open to seeing a good marriage counselor, I have been reading self-help books, working on my weight and health, more than willing to work with her on our marriage, but she is not interested.

yet, if there are 100 DBers on this site, i would guess that a fairly good percentage of them are in situations where the withdrawing spouse truly is uncertain. and that's why i think the first rule of divorce busting triage is to stop directly pursuing your partner to save your marriage. this just gets people to both internally (with themselves) and externally (with you) go into justifying, defending and solidifying their actions.

You’re right, and this past weekend I did follow that guideline. I messages her three times about giving us another chance, then I realized I was smothering her and not doing me any favors. So, enough of that. She thanked me for the messages, but said she needed time to know if we’ve simply grown apart, fallen out of love or got lost in the fog (a term we use to describe issues we never have dealt with).

My last reply to her was the following: “The evidence was clear... when we communicated and reconnected we were in a much better place, but did not keep the communication going or seek better tools from a counselor when we had the chance. Then the fog rolled back in and we became each other's cause and effect. This is not because we are not good for each other. Rather, and based on a lot of material I have been reading, it was due to poor communication, not dealing with past hurt and not acquiring better skills. This is how the success story couples got out of their rut - some patience, time, tools and commitment. What a shame we are not taking advantage of that same opportunity. I put too much pressure on you emotionally by not having outside interests and because too much of my focus was on you/us for my fulfillment. I get that. I did not make you feel emotionally secure or assured in some ways. I get that. The reverse was true. Complex? Yes. Workable? Yes.”

one thing your W did that does get my attention more than words or intentional actions - its her spontaneous emotional reaction when you look like you're the one getting ready to throw in the towel. that definitely says something to me.

What does that say to you? From what I can figure out, it means two things: she is confused about her feelings and needs reassurance or some sort, and that she seems me as some type of security. A friend suggested she simply wants to see what is out there on her own, and if things don’t work out she feels she has me to fall back on – a security of some sort. That make sense? What were you thinking?

have you tried going dark for a couple days to see what happens?

Yes I have. Last week I went dark for a couple of days. She texted me twice (just to say the was at the house then was leaving), sent me a Facebook message the next morning, then emailed me to see if I’d received her texts (said it was from her new phone, so she wanted to make sure I’d got them). I replied to her email saying that I did, but that was it. I had to message her this morning about a family matter, then I am “going dark” for my emotional well-being.

While I have been living alone since the beginning of January, she has been living with her parents until her apartment I ready. When she moves in, it will be the fist time she lives alone. She loves to loves to organize and craves attention (it is all about her). So, for the first month she will love getting her new place ready then showing it off to friends and family. This will mask possible feelings of loneliness, but after those highs are gone, I wonder how she will feel?

Her decision to separate is so devastating. We are best friends, love spending time with each other, supportive of each other, make each other laugh, love to travel together, have many common interests… but on the flipside, there has been little intimacy since our great summer, I feel resented, she does not want me to accompany her to events she attends (does not want to have to babysit me – no reason why, as I am not clingy, thing is she doesn’t want to “babysit” anyone else either) – it’s as if she needs all of the attention on HER.

Add to this that I am living with stage I cancer (multiple myeloma) which has been dormant for three years and I am healthy. I feel she is bailing on me, and I feel abandoned. I always took comfort in knowing she’d be there with me when I got sick, and not I am facing my life as a single man. This adds an additional burden to the separation. What a life.