waiting for the tides to change

[BFloat]

I came home and D2 was so happy to see me! Gave her big hugs and kisses. H asked how work was and I just said.. Ok.

He wanted to talk finances and I said I needed time to gather my thoughts. He said something about how if I wanted to stay here he would pay half. I said I needed time to think. I did tell H that I wanted to keep the kids every second weekend to which he said sure! Went on to apologize for what he said before and realized that he was being selfish and that the kid's needs came first. He understood what I meant by wanting to create a stable home where the kids weren't being shuffled around.. And that he just wanted to be included in more of the day to day stuff like maybe being able to pick up S5 from school sometime during the week.

I got teary at that point and stood up and left to go upstairs. I came back down when it was time to go pick up S from school and H was in the same spot on the floor and I could tell he had been teary. D wanted to come with me and kept crying while H changed her diaper because she was afraid I would leave without her. I had to stand there and keep saying.. I'm not going anywhere without you.. I'm right here.

As it stands.. I have not uttered 2 words to H since our conversation about custody. We are just avoiding each other at this point. I don't want to engage in a conversation where I will probably end up crying again.

This is really really hard

[BFloat]

Updating so that I don't go crazy!!!

H is still here. Upstairs sleeping. I thought he was going to leave earlier in the afternoon as I heard his alarm go off. He came down, had something to eat.. And then went back to sleep. He came down while kids were having dinner because S went up to get him. S is very clingy because I'm sure
he knows H is leaving today. Actually surprised that H hasn't hightailed
it out of here to enjoy the quiet solitude of "single" life. Gosh! I'm not bitter at all!

I am paralyzed. Stuck. Someone please shake me out of this! I literally want to pack my bags and run away with the kids. I just want this feeling to go away!!

[BFloat]

I also remember reading on someone else's sitch where their H would sleep onto of the covers. That is my H. Chooses instead to use a little blanket
we normally keep on the couch. He must really be done with this M. Makes me sad.

[purgatory]

You checked on me.... so I'm checking on you.

It suxx that we get to deal with all the confusion of the WAS unpredictable actions. They seem to change their mind with the wind, while we are left to try and stay grounded so we don't get carried away.... it's exhausting!

I'm glad you came here to 'scream'. You know that running away isn't the right thing to do- but I COMPLETELY relate to that feeling.

Breathe in, breathe out. Take a shower (I do all my screaming and crying in the shower), take a walk, find something to distract you- even if only for 5 minutes.

We WILL get through this.... someday.

[BklynMom]

It is so hard to be around them. It will be better when he leaves the house instead of acting all tortured by us and having to sleep on top of the covers.

"Its so hard being a WAH" Boo hoo hoo

Give your kids a kiss as they sleep

[BFloat]

My H finally left. I decided to take a nap before my night shift so I wouldn't have to talk to him. In the past, he would always wake me to let me know he was leaving but not today. It's hard to imagine that he use to be the ideal husband that all my friends were jealous of.

Before I went in to work, I read message from a gf of mine saying how strong i was.. How kids are lucky to have me etc. I broke down in my car and just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. Another gf who I had txted showed up w/in 5 mins to give me a hug and walk me inside. Major breathing.

I have been reading a ton of posts to get ideas on what to do and a major thing is not attaching myself to what H says. It's really hard because all I hear is how determined he is not to be with me anymore.

It's so hard to be home because of all the memories attached. My babies.. They really deserve more than this.

[BFloat]

I miss H and the relationship we use to have. It's making me blue (not as though I wasn't already blue enough). The constant rain outside isn't helping much to improve my mood. Sigh.

I have to get to that point where things start to get better and yet I can't seem to find that place.

I'm just sad. I need to vent.

[RoRoinMD]

Barelyfloating, I'm right there with you. Some days its all I can do to pull myself out of bed (like today).

I know I need to pull myself together, but I can't seem to find a way to do that. Lucky for me the sun is out here today at least. Here's to hoping you get a ray of sunshine too.

[BFloat]

Thanks for dropping by my post roro. Yes, somedays it is really hard to get myself out of bed.

H sent me an email about our finances. I know he's worried and has been for a long time. In the past, he's always been uninvolved choosing to leave me to deal with everything. This time, he actually went to the bank to discuss options!

I did respond to his email titled "us not speaking". In his email he said he didn't want to push me but that dealing with this would at least take some strain away.

I thanked him for looking into the finances and said it seems like a great idea to consolidate some bills. Then said there were a few other issues that we could discuss at a later time. I wanted to be fair and do what's in the best interest of the kids. Then I said I was hoping we could slow down some of the other things so that i could catch my breath and get to the same place he is.

Mentioned how if he wanted to keep updated on S's school events than he could check joint email and all other things not mentioned in newsletters I would email him.

Then I said thank you for still agreeing to attend retrouvaille. The dates are ---.

I hope I did ok. After i sent the email I had another cry.

Really.. When does this get better??

[purgatory]

It sounds like you handled it as best as expected. I think you acknowledged his need to discuss money, but you also gave yourself time to collect your thoughts/emotions before discussing details.....

I'm proud of you (for what it's worth.)

I HATE when they bring up a 'we need to talk about [some kind of reminder about their desire to D]. I always feel nauseas and my heart starts racing when I read the emails or hear the words from his mouth. My H has said (since the bomb) that he's in no rush to do this.... Yet, since new years, he's been on my case about talking to L and expressing frustrations about how long this process takes. I wish I could find a way to slow things down

Don't beat yourself up about having another cry, your han and you are I pain- nothing to feel bad about. Have you found any cues that help you get out of the funk fast? 25 recommended creating special playlists on your iPod that coordinate to the mood you are (or want to be) in. When you need to have a good cry, play the 'cry' list and make a promise to yourself that you will put those emotions on a shelf after you're done crying. It's not easy to learn how to do that- but I'm getting better.

((((BF)))). I really feel for you and I'm sending you hugs and comfort, I hope they find you.